Life. It's how it goes...

This morning I woke up late. It was too cold to kick the covers off. So I thought.
I fell asleep in the middle of a project last night that had a deadline. I had to clean up the laundry room so the maintenance man could look at the boiler. I had to throw some make up on to cover my mass of blemishes and find my sports bra so I could go to the gym and burn off some calories. I had to help my husband find a movie online for his class so he could write his paper this morning. I had to get the kids to school and as usual, we were running behind. I had to walk the kids a mile to the classroom, one running away, one lagging too far behind and neither paying an ounce of attention to me.
I had to get them each to their respective schools and classrooms and bargain with one to let me leave. I had to act like a silly fool outside the pre-school so that Cody would start his day off laughing, and 5 other kids too apparently. I had to skip the gym and run home to make sure that Mike was able to find what he needed. To make sure I had things squared away for maintenance.
I had all these things to do but I was dying to do something for me. I just wanted to run out and snap a few pics of the amazing frost that was stuck to everything this morning. Frost and sunshine are far too much for a camera girl to resist. I also have not taken the dog for a free run in months. I'm awful I know. I just found this great spot a couple weeks ago and it's perfect for us. A bit too close to the road for my liking, but just due to the noise. I can always do with out noise.
Ugly camera hung around my neck, 2 pair of socks and arctic ready boots, too thin pants for this temperature and some ski gloves that are useless against the cold and one anxious dog I set off on my way. Only a couple miles down the road, anger the 20 people behind me for seemingly stopping in the middle of the road for no reason to turn into a spot most likely miss the whole time they live here.
As soon as I put the car in park, Oz knew just where we were and was going nuts for me to let her out. WHY am I so cruel and make her wait for me to put on gloves and scarves and hats etc...?
As soon as I opened the hatch, she was off like a rocket. I so love taking her out where she can run free. She's terrible on a leash and something about being loose in the woods brings out her inner puppy. It's like watching your kids have the time of their life. You can't help but smile.
It took all of 5 minutes for me to realize how terrible the gloves were and about 10 to be steadily belittling myself for not grabbing some of those hand warmer packs.
The forest floor is covered in frost, all the thick grasses laid over from the weight. The most beautiful thing today is the spiderwebs all covered in this very heavy frost. The sun shines through the trees and bounces light off the frost covering every tiny needle on the evergreens, the webs hanging from every branch and leaf every way you turn. Walking through the deeper woods, the floor literally sounds like hollow flooring. I am always scared I'm going to fall through. Oscar and I crunched our way through the woods and out to a small clearing which surprisingly still had snow all over it. It's a tough spot for much sun to get in and while the snow has melted everywhere else, this is one spot I'm sure I will be able to find it for several days yet.
I forget how huge the trees are here sometimes until you get to the random clearing and have them standing against the back drop of bright blue sky.
I love this. I love all the nature, the stillness aside from the random bounding of a black streak racing by. No people or horns blowing, no alarms blaring, no tv show yelling or phones ringing. No checking to see who's updated facebook or what my horoscope is for the day. Just...nature. Just what God put there for us to see. Just what I fear losing, what I pray we, as humans, can protect and keep for generations to see. What a shame for anyone to miss this.
Here I am, while others are rushing to work, yelling at their kids, trying to find something to eat or get warm for just a few minutes. While others in the world are in a hospital waiting for the last breath, off in a desert dodging bullets and wondering what on earth they are doing there. While others are walking the street doing things they never dreamed they would, to buy things they never dreamed they'd touch, wondering who on earth they are. While others take a right hook square on the cheek for talking back or not cooking dinner fast enough. While others pray for forgiveness, food or fortune. Health or time or love or peace.
Here I am. Here I am, cold but able to seek warmth when I wish. Fed, housed, not beaten or shot at. Here I am, taking a simple stroll with my camera in the woods with my dog. Here I am, soaking up the beauty that is laid out before me like a gift. How blessed I am to witness it. How blessed I am to see it, to take the time to look at it, soak it up and know how blessed I am.
What good is a blessing if you are too dense to even know you got it?
I walked a bit more, getting colder and colder and wondering how long it takes a normal person to get frostbite as it seems half an hour is all it would take for me. I walked more thinking about the people that come here and do nothing more than complain and they drive right by this daily.
They drive by these towering trees that are spread out far enough to have open space under the canopy. Where the light streams through the branches and warms you but for a single second. Where you feel that...maybe something higher is patting you on the head. "Job well done. Thank you for looking at the picture I painted for you. I'm glad you like it"
I saw plants I've never seen before, colors you can't put in a box, animal tracks and little evergreens fighting for their place against the giants, but standing strong nonetheless.
As we neared another clearing, this one very large, my breath caught. Oh my...am I really standing here? I walked up on a small hill and looked all around. There is so much open space here that everything is wide open and draped over it all, a thick white layer of frost. The sun bearing over the tops of the monstrous tree behind me, the rays pour over onto this opening. From this hill, I can see nothing more than this simple white clearing, lumpy with the heavy grasses covered in winter. Surrounding that, a glowing multitude of trees. The land rolls with them as far as I can see, the tops tickled with the sun light and a blue haze all around the edges from the cold of the day.
I am in awe.
I am standing on a knoll, in a field in England on a frozen December morning admiring the gift laid before me. I am frozen and my feet and hands are literally aching, but who could care? I could literally sit here for hours and just stare. I wish I had my book with me so I could write about it as I look at it. I try to take a panorama but guess what?
The damn camera battery just died.

Fundraising Frenzy Pt. 1 Winner!!!!

Thank you all SO much!!!!!

Fundraising Frenzy!!! Help Emma!

I'm running the first of a series of fundraisers for Emma, please refer to my biz blog Get Real , for full details and...PLEASE PASS IT ON!!! :)
Cheers!

Friday. Faves. HOPE.

Friday. Faves. HOPE.

For Emma.

hope.

It is what I have. Sometimes it is all that we can have. When things seem their bleakest, when it seems the light at the end of the tunnel has surely burnt out ages ago, what else can we do but hope? Hope someone finds a new damn bulb right?
I am hoping for a bulb. I am praying for a bulb. I am BEGGING for a bulb.
What on earth am I yammering on about? Emma of course. I don't know if it is because I am so far away that I feel so consumed by it sometimes. I don't really know. I surely can't imagine being in their shoes, day in and day out. Appointment after appointment, therapy after therapy. One kid to dr's and therapists and treatments, one to school and dance class and another on the hip always. Life? How is there time for anything beyond that? Every momentary flicker of light that you glimpse. Every caught breath, every raised eyebrow that is about to deliver news be it good, bad or inconclusive. How can one live with this? Have you ever been sitting in a waiting room while a loved one is in surgery or something and you hold your breath each time a lab coat or pair of scrubs comes nearby? Imagine that nearly DAILY. I cannot. Unfortunately, there are many people that know it all too well. That exist around this very thing. Over and over and over.
I only get updates via Facebook, sometimes the blog and once in awhile I get Jayne on email or chat. Each time I get an update, I feel queasy. Sometimes, I am seriously physically ill. My heart seems to freeze mid-beat, my stomach does a roll and then a good hard twist..."no, it's supposed to go the OTHER way. It's supposed to stop now. It's supposed to be 'that thing that she had when she was little', not getting worse! Why???." Isn't that the age old question? Why does she get to have those months where she's playing soccer and dancing and laughing with her sister and cuddling her baby brother and we all collectively seem to breathe a sigh of relief, there is but a tiny pinch in the back of our minds. However, we have so much HOPE that sometimes it even seems safe to think that maybe, just maybe...

Then. Then there's the way it is going.
I will admit that after her first surgery, I was skeptical but certainly hopeful and even relaxed too much at the idea that it was truly just a 'thing' and they were so lucky and blessed and that was it. You can never fully expect it to just go away though, but you can kind of almost hope it's totally true. After her second surgery though, my gosh how could we doubt it? Complete strangers got tears in their eyes when I told the story. When I told of how difficult it was for her coming back out of the first surgery and how the second one she nearly jumped off the operating table singing and dancing when they were done. She's a miracle. She is a miracle, there is no doubt of that.
After this last bit of surgery, we'll go ahead and call it two more because hey she was operated on twice so let's give her the credit she deserves here. After this last one, you can see...I have seen something in photos that is just not quite right. She's not been well at all since she left this time. She's been back in the hospital and back for loads more testing. They don't know what is causing her odd symptoms and frankly, she is exhausted and just not herself. I don't even have to get that from anyone, you can see it in a photo from five thousand miles away.
Well, to update you all, there's more. They've now found a new tumor in a new place. General vicinity of the others, but all together a new tumor. Now...oh really it's still so hard to process, but now they say that it is also in her spinal fluid. This is untreatable. They will not do more surgery. It is chemo-resistant and they cannot radiate her anymore. This is just in her head, not even including what they are seeing in her spine.
I saw the words, "the prognosis is not good".
Making this assumption as it were, to see them, straight from the source, typed out for all eternity. What the hell can I say? The only thing I can say is pray more, pray harder, hope like hell, hope like there is no tomorrow that something, ANYTHING comes up and cures her. Something. Now the dr's are set that what they saw on the scan was cancer in her spine and wanted to cancel her spinal tap today, but someone else said that it could be an infection (which WOULD make sense with the symptoms she's had since leaving the hospital). The dr's disagree but thankfully my darling friends insisted she have it anyway. So at the moment the greatest hope is that the Dr's are wrong and said person is correct. That would be something to dance around in the street over. We can be pissed later that it was not caught sooner, whatever, but if that is the case, then dear God please let it be and let it go away so we can focus on the original issue at hand.
That smile, those sparkly eyes. Those are enough to kick the shit out of this cancer. I just know it. Let alone the love and strength that are all holding this little girl up. There is so much behind her, I can feel it, I envision Emma standing there seemingly alone. David and Goliath as it were, she against this cancer and the cancer coughs out an evil laugh thinking it has won, but in the last minute, the shadows clear and it is horrified to see hundreds of people linked arm in arm, chests bowed out, so strong and unmoving that cancer sees it has no chance at all. This love and strength behind this little girl is no force to be reckoned with and this cancer wheels around squealing, tail between legs. That is that.
That is what has to happen.

My little boy. He has been so concerned about Emma all this time. I know he can hardly remember her, but he does a bit. He's definitely heard about her a lot, he's always asked about her. It's odd to me sometimes what all he really absorbs and the times and ways that he recollects things. It was odd because just YESTERDAY, we got on the subject of diseases. He's asked a few times before, and I have tried to explain what Emma has to a degree but certainly don't want to freak him out too much either. He does understand that it is very serious and he worries about her.
So as it is, a boy was out from Cody's school for chicken pox. The boys were really interested in this and telling me they had it too. (ha! nice try). So I went in to explaining that they've had vaccinations for it, but in the UK they do not have vaccinations. After a fairly lame job at explaining what vaccinations were, with a random jab at some of the silly vaccinations there are that could have been better used for other things, we got on the subject of diseases in general.
Kade, bless his heart, then says that "Emma went out for a walk, and she came upon a bush and she ate some wild blueberries but they were poisonous and that is how she got the cancer. So if she just doesn't go to the bush and eat the berries she won't have the cancer anymore. So we just have to tell her not to eat wild blueberries."
How precious is that? So I tried to explain that it was not from blueberries, that some diseases were simple and we could just get over it. Some diseases have medicines that you can take to make them go away or keep them from bothering us, but some diseases just can't be 'taken away' just yet and it's very sad."
I always find it interesting because, while we DO talk about Emma, we don't do it all the time to be honest. Not with them anyway. So this conversation coming out of the blue was touching in an odd way.
When prior to that he told me to go buy something at the store for Emma and mail it to her b/c it would take her cancer away. Just out of the blue. So as he's getting older he's grasping it a bit more, but of course not like we do. How nice it would be, to look at things from a 5 year old's perspective in the face of something so damn bad. Sorry, but there's just not good enough vocabulary in my head tonight.
So tonight I did get a moment to visit with Jayne via web-chat (sadly it's far better reception than the phone) and the boys were all up in my rear and basically took over the laptop. Jayne showed us Emma sleeping on the couch at the hospital and Kade asked if she was all better and Cody asked if they lived there. Well, it probably does seem that way.
At bedtime, Kade mentioned something about drawing (he draws at bedtime EVERY night) and then he asked if we could pray for Emma. Now, as you  may or may not know, we're not really all that religious and honestly the only time (yes I ought to be ashamed) I've taught my children to get on their knees and clasp their hands was for Emma during her second surgery a year ago. So Kade asked if we could and I told him he NEVER had to ask to say a prayer, just do it! He wanted to just do it with me and him and his 2 animals.
So he says:
"Dear God, please come and take all of Emma's cancer away from her. Please let her get to run and play and hang out to do all the things that she has to do. Our Men."

So then when my face dried up and I could compose myself, he told me a story about God and a King and then Daddy and Cody came in so we all held hands and he said another prayer for Emma all on his own. This time it was to bring her to Texas (haha) and let her get all better. 

I feel so useless over here. I just wish I could get clocked upside the head with the answer. Or if I have, I wish I'd see it. I'm a doer, I'm not a watcher, a waiter, a whatever. This is not my forte so not having the fix it answer or at least swooping in to DO something physically...what do we do?

I ask again, what else can we do but hope? 

So I hope, I pray, I beg, I plead...please help us find the answer. Please make her better. Please...please let the world get involved. Help us find the way to make September as gold as October is pink. Please bring awareness to this disease and how little resources there are, how little funding and research actually goes into childhood cancer. The ONLY treatments are just smaller doses of adult treatments. It just does not work. 

hope.  

Anxious and Antsy

That should be my name today. It is going to be a long day. I can't stand not being there. I just can't. I can't stand not being THE person. When did I become that person? I don't know, but I've just come to the realization that is the exact reason why days like today drive me out of my freaking head.
I'm SUPPOSED to be there. Not for ME, for them. To do things, to be a shoulder, a bitch, a gopher, a pillow, a punching bag...gosh whatever. SOMETHING.
Not just an anxious freaky mess 5 thousand miles away. I actually wish I had a tail today because at least I could give myself some purpose. I'd be better off running in circles chasing my tail. I'm not a sitter by'er and watcher. I'm a doer, a there'er, a something. Not a waiting nail biter.
All senses on high alert, wound up tighter than an eight day clock. I wait. I watch. I refresh my facebook page 9874 times. I was not able to do the one thing I felt strongly compelled to do today, but hopefully I can make that happen on Friday. I DID buy a gift today. I should go to the post office then and mail it... that would be doing something. Yes, jittering my way through the line at the post office with my package, well...let's see just how fast I get tossed in jail for appearing suspicious?
I did not do the gym today b/c Cody was NOT up to school so I didn't want to get in there and not get his call if he was having a cow to come home. I wish I were better at running, it'd be a damn good day to run till I puke. Oscar sure wouldn't mind either, she looks like she's been contemplating chewing my foot off in my sleep for not taking her for walks or to the field since we took her away from her giant backyard. She just whines and gives me the evil eye.
Well, all that said, yammering on my blog about not much of anything isn't really working either. Today would be a good day to visit another nearby country....oh yeah, it sure would.

Alas, please keep your prayer lines open and keep them coming, I sincerely believe in them. Love to all and if you don't have the Emma Updates, well...I'll update anyway because I have nothing else of any importance to do right now beyond waiting..... if patience is a virtue well, I never claimed to be very virtuous anyway did I?

uuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Beautiful in, Beautiful out, Beautiful everywhere.

My boy. He is, indeed, beautiful. Every way there is to be beautiful. I have had a smidge of difficulty with Kade lately. Then we got a report from his teacher and I was pretty shocked to say the least at how he has been behaving at school. Granted, they are only going on their 2nd FULL week of school just now and it's a much larger school than his last, I was still seriously shocked by his behavior.
So, yes that leaves me doing my usual. Fretting like crazy, worrying, worrying, worrying. Wondering what all I should have done, need to do or am doing different, wrong, better, worse. My big thing is, and has been for ages is that as much as I offer up and condone a VERY open door, open mouth, whatever you want to call it policy in our home. I have a tight-lipped son. How does that happen really? I mean, okay if he were 16 and in that parent hating phase or something, sure... but FIVE???
It goes a little something like this;
"Hey dude, how was school today?"
"Fine." 
"well, what did you do?"
"I don't know, stuff..."
"Well, like what? Did you draw? Did you read? Play outside?"
"I don't remember."
"Really? We're still walking off the school ground, you seriously don't recall anything beyond the past 40 seconds?"
"Mom? Can we not talk right now? I'm busy walking."

Yeah.... it really goes like that. How the HELL am I going to communicate with THIS kid when he's perfected that line of crap for 10 more years? I'm doomed! He loves to tell some long, drawn out, insanely detailed stories though. As far as my attention span will allow, I definitely listen in intently. However, sometimes it's hard. It's very difficult to know where the middle is, or the end, or even if this is a 10 minute story or if I should get comfortable and just forget making dinner.
Well, as I mentioned, we got some not so awesome feedback from his teacher. Unfortunately they did not offer up the information until questioned about something we thought nothing of really, just wanted to KNOW about and are then handed this gem. How he was extremely naughty. I'm still so shocked by his behavior that I literally cannot picture it in my mind with Kade. If it were ME telling him not to do this, sure. A teacher though? No way! However this all took place on Friday and we did not get the story until Monday. Rather than him being grounded all weekend for acting like an (yes I will word nicely) undisciplined neanderthal child he got to jump on the bouncy castle in our backyard ALL weekend. Partake in games and playing and even a trip to the driving range. Yeah. Had we known, well...he'd have been enjoying all of this through his bedroom window or in his imagination.
As it stands though, there is much work to be done. Many changes to be made. Whatever it takes, to make my beautiful boy see, that he just has to do things a little bit different. To make sure, that he loves himself just as he is NO MATTER WHAT. He's a beautiful, intelligent, insanely creative child...who lives in another world 99.8% of the time.

Tonight, in an attempt to prolong his bedtime, he calls me up to his room. There are certain criteria that have to be met to get me back in for any sort of visit once the initial lights out. There had been silence for quite some time, me thinking they were both toast. Apparently only Co was out and Kade had simply been visiting his other planet. He calls me up and says he's scared. Of everything as it turns out. Who the hell gets off easy with a monster in the closet? Just consider yourself lucky if that is all you have to contend with! It was just a ploy to avoid sleep, which he was in desperate need of. Then he wants to talk. My boy, the night owl. Wants nothing to do with anyone but in his own time. I can't fathom someone like that. ;) (me, me, me!). So we talk about school, but he doesn't want to talk about school, he wants to talk about jets. After a detail description of every jet he's ever seen, and then a crrrrrazy detailed description of his birthday party and every toy he wants...he moves on to "let's talk about you Mom".
Is he going to be the ladies man of the century or what?
Well sure, that's good but wait... he's better than that.
"Okay buddy, what would you like to talk about about Mommy?"
"Oh...about how beautiful you are. You know, you have cool rock n' roll hair and you wear rock n' roll clothes. That's beautiful. I like rock n' roll clothes because I wear rock n' roll clothes too. I wish I could wear rock n' roll clothes all day long."
I love the moment that I can revel in the naivete of childhood admiration. I can be at my nastiest, no make up, holey yucky clothes, frizzy hair in a bun and they look at me and say, "you are beautiful Mommy". At my worst, they still think I'm the best. What on earth can be better than my kids?

Nothing I say.
My beautiful boys with their beautiful minds inside their beautiful heads above their beautiful faces  above their beautiful hearts.... however can I share enough gratitude without sounding downright cocky? How did I get so lucky? What did I do? Whatever it is, whatever I did to strike it rich to deserve them, I'd do it again 100 times. For all the headaches, the gray hairs and wrinkles I've had and that are yet to come...Thank you. Thank God for my boys.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
I can't say enough how much I'm so lucky to get to feel their short arms squish me around my neck, their sticky hands grabbing onto mine for support or comfort, their still somewhat slobbery kisses on soft puckery little kid lips... what a blessing.
I don't know how else to show my gratitude than to wake up each day, thankful that I get yet another day with them. I get to get frustrated with them for making us late, for spilling something, for ignoring me...for whatever.
They are mine and I am so glad of that and I hate that sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to remind me that there is no greater thing I can do in my life than appreciate them for who they are. Appreciate their childishness, for however fleeting of a moment it is here.
So, from this moment I vow to.... CHILL THE F**K OUT. (there I kept it sort of pg-13).

As it is, if you are the praying type...tomorrow Emma is back in for surgery #3. Being that it is the 3rd time in the same place and previous things have not worked and it's apparently growing much more rapidly (since it was clear in June and now already the same size as it was last year) there are some new treatments they are looking at doing. This is all very delicate, OBVIOUSLY, due to the location and nature of this cancer. So as she goes in, let us all pray for the third time to truly be her charm. At the same time, my friend Deb who's fought one helluva fight with cancer since '07 seems to be nearing the end. She's a personality that just wins you over the first time you shake her hand, a beautiful smile, twinkly eyes and an aura that just grabs you. Pray that her pain is relieved and that somehow her last wish is granted and her son Riley is taken care of. Pray that they can still have a few lucid moments and that no matter what, she is at peace.

On that note...
Count your blessings and be thankful for them. Hug someone today...

What's your problem?

Ya know, as usual I have so much I need to spit out that I think I"m on overload and nothing can find it's way out. I am compelled to go on about this or that. I get inspired, I get annoyed, I get aggravated, overjoyed...I get all sorts of "too much" something. I always feel I need to get it out. I need to write about it or something... but then I start thinking of all the other things I wanted to write, or say and then the other things I ought to, or forgot to and then...what's more pressing? I mean really, what's the most important crap to come out of my brain? Who can really be the judge of that? If only I had a transcriptionist in my head...perhaps with a side degree in editing. If only.
That said, I'm compelled to write right NOW. As I'm reading things online. I'm overcome with sadness and gratefulness all at once. What am I reading you might ask? Well, it's actually a list of charities wanting money from Pepsi. See, I (shockingly) won an iTouch from pepsi a couple months ago and they told me about their charitable donations this year. It's pretty cool actually but a bunch of charities, already in place or to be formed from this, are in the running for a boat load of money from Pepsi. Um, more to the point, Pepsi did not take out any ads at all for Superbowl Sunday this year and instead have used that money for charities chosen by none other than...the people. :) So, even though I think Pepsi tastes like crap and the only thing I do like about it is the smell always makes me think of my Granny, it's a pretty damn cool thing and maybe other companies should get on the train too.
Anyway, I'm obviously immediately taken by the childhood cancer charities (HEY IT'S CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IF YOU DID NOT KNOW!!!!), there are also many others that touch me. Firstly the equine therapy ones snag me right off the bat. I wish people could REALLY grasp what horses can do for sooooo many things, What they did for me on many occasions in many ways. Animals in general really help kids out. Then there was one collecting suitcases for kids going into foster care. Ouch. Feeding hungry children who don't have anything to eat on the weekends, i.e. school lunches keep them alive (BTDT). Just all of these things slamming me in the face, or heart more so at once. Obviously these are things we are all aware of, perhaps not everyone is aware of all of them and there are certainly far worse things out there still. I get so passionate about some things that I really do just get overwhelmed. How can I help? I've spent the last month trying to figure out some creative way to do some fundraisers for childhood cancer research, and you now know why if you didn't before (read above in bold if you could possibly have missed it). ;)
Now I'm even MORE compelled as we just got word of more bad news for Em. Cancer is back and she's headed in for surgery #3 on Wednesday. I am five THOUSAND miles away and this is literally the 3rd time since I've been so far away. What the HELL can I do? A thoughtful phone call or card in the mail hardly ever seem even remotely adequate. It will come to me, I hope...I'd just like for it to come to me sooner than later. Big. Something...big. I'm sure it's there, it's at the tip of my consciousness it just won't pop on out.

Ya know, the point is. I read these things. Some of them take me back. Some of them remind me to be thankful. Some of them just make me sad. Regardless, they ALL push my guilt forward again. My guilt. I am by NO means a rich person, at ALL. Hello....we're military. That said, we are nowhere near poor. Anyone that says so has never been poor and that's as far as that argument will go. Seriously, don't get me started.
Why do I always feel like I can't give back though? I so admire these people that can uproot themselves and just go wherever the world needs help. Kids? Hell they go too! I mean, I so admire that. I think of all the things that they likely subject their kids to, and while it's got to be hard to see that reaction on your child's face, does it take away their innocence or does it give them this endless depth of empathy? I don't want my kids bitching about a new Nintendo, I want them to donate their toys on their own accord. I want them to step back and be so thankful they have a roof, food, clothes...I get so easily caught between that person and the "have stuff" person. I can't stand the "have stuff" person to be honest, but...I LIKE having stuff. It's not in a "oh look at me everyone, i have STUFF!" way. It's just b/c *I* like having some stuff. I never did, now I can. However, my fault, my fault that I can't stand, that goes hand in hand with "have stuff" person is...now i have stuff, i want more. the stuff i have is nice but i like this one even better.
if i were but a stronger person, and my family would agree to it. I'd sell it all off and buy a teepee and some sheep and a backpack or something. okay and a laptop and Internet access and camera to record all this lunacy. but i mean... see? i can't. even when i really want to.
I'm already in some preFreakin 32, damn you. I see that 30 doesn't get you, it takes it's time then sneaks up out of nowhere. Piss off 32. Really... now what do I find at 32? I find wrinkles. Lots of them. Wrinkles that are not the cute kind, but the, "holy hell I kind of look like a grown up with those things" kind. MORE gray hair. Drooping, oh dear the drooping. Seriously my boobs must've gotten really depressed or tired one day because I swear they fell about 4" in one day. That was the last straw. I had decided against a lift b/c of the scarring, really what good would it do? Victoria's Secret can do the same for me and I'd be just as horrified at my drooping as I would the scars I think. Now...maybe this might need something more intense after all.
All of that at once, and then realizing all the things I seem to have to give up now? What the hell? I am going to have to spend each spare moment doing cardio, eating cardboard and applying cream to this and that? YUCK. So to give up anything and everything else? Hello, apparently I DO age and grow older along with getting fat, cuz ya know that used to never happen either. ;) In other words, apparently I am not invincible. Shit.

That said, I complain about this or I complain about that. I want to buy this, no maybe not perhaps this instead. If you only knew how much I obsess over stuff but making sure I find the best deal on the best thing...oh it's sick. I concern myself with some of the most idiotic things. If I could tell that part of my head to shut up, surely I'd have enough mental capacity to focus on others.
I wish...I wish, I could figure out how to filter it so only the important stuff remained. I have absolutely nothing on earth to complain about. As my husband snores on the sofa next to me, my happy healthy rambunctious children sleep soundly in their beds our bellies full, our heads dry, our bodies warm...what is my problem? What is anyone's problem? What if we all spent as much time helping others as we did complaining about what we don't have, what we want, what we 'need'?? What if? Doesn't it make us feel so fulfilled as humans to do good for others? Does it not fill the gap? Could we all vow to do at least one deed? One big deed, one thing we were really involved in all year? A day a month to volunteer somewhere? A weekend to do something? A night a week? All things we don't need/want rather than selling them, donating them to either raise money for charity or to donate to those who really DO need it?
What if.........

Four Years of Bliss

Four years ago I fell madly in love with chubby cheeks and black hair. A warm bundle snuggled on my chest. The look of pride in my boy's face as he announced he was a big brother. The precious sweet smile he held only for this baby. Four years ago the whirlwind, otherwise known as Cody, blew into our lives and it's been nonstop ever since.
He is sparkly eyes, belly laughs, dimples, big giant cuddles with a pouty lip. He is pure energy until the second he runs out, and when he runs out...he's OUT. He is "w" instead of "r" and the most independent child I know. He's impatient, pushy, loud and determined. He is also shy to start with, a little over-sensitive and definitely a Mama's boy. He adores his big brother and will stand up for him in an instant.
He is obsessed with trains of every shape, size, sound and color. He asks every single night at bedtime if we can go to the train station the next day. Sometimes he asks a few more times through out the day. He loves the color blue, the sky is blue, therefore the sky is his.
He is wise beyond his few years and afraid of nothing but the dark and scary movies and some of the strange noises his brother makes. He is an avid lover of dogs. Any dogs at all, but preferrably big dogs. Oscar is his best friend and thankfully she is child-patient and tolerates his over-attention to her.
He wants to be an Air Force man when he grows up and "wok on eh-plane engines" just like Daddy does. He has kid sized ABU's that he wears ALL the time. His "wok clothes, because he is going to wok". :)
Sometimes he wants to be a cowboy, but usually, just an air force man. He's going to be the first man in the air force to work on the planes AND fly them. No need to do all the work and miss all the fun I suppose.

I've found that he creates deep friendships already. He's a fierce friend, who dearly loves others, but is not the least bit shy to let you know if he doesn't like you. He loves to have his picture taken, so long as he can see it immediately. I find he's quite fond of admiring himself in photos. :) He's quite the ladies man as well, but he seems completely oblivious to it, I can see him always being that way.
He is such a force and truly has no idea of his super powers yet, hopefully he won't figure it out for quite awhile yet. Once he does, there will certainly be no stopping him.

While my Mommy instincts still kick into overdrive if I ever see anyone look at him cross-eyed, I am comfortable in the knowledge that Cody will always be okay. He's been independent and alarmingly self-sufficient from much too early of an age, no matter how much we've tried to keep him from it. Just wishing for him to just be a KID, doesn't seem to flow with HIS idea of how life is. I just try to back off and let him be, he does ask for help on occasion but even then, he rarely actually wants it.
I've come to learn that even though he seems to not need us in the way most four year olds might need their parents, he does need us in his own way. He needs to know we're here, we have his back and of course, that we'll feed him and keep him well stocked on orange yogurt. ;)
He is individual and unique. Far different than any other four year old I've ever met. I have to remind myself, OFTEN, that he is ONLY four and barely at that. I often find myself trying to toss "baby" toys that are quite age appropriate even beyond Kade's age, and then remind myself that Co is only four. Sure he still doesn't play with it, but I can't help but keep it JUST in case he wants it. I don't try to hold them back, but I do fear them growing up too fast.
Aren't four year olds supposed to still love Sesame Street and blocks and toys that sing baby songs? Not know the steps move for move to Footloose, explain the entire basis of Ben 10 and built a full scale model of NASA out of blocks. Well...kids like any other would bore me to tears anyway wouldn't they? ;)
My Cody. He got me over the anger of how Kade was born. He made me realize that life, and giving life, is something far greater than ME. It is so much bigger and so much more important than any ideals I had of what life should be like. He has made me question my abilities as a mother on many occasions, but he has also reminded me what it is all about. He's pushed me to the edge and then been right there to show me exactly why I would never go over.
I used to think being a parent was about what "we" as adults wanted. If we wanted a baby to cuddle and nurture into adulthood. If we wanted to spend our days watching the same mind-numbing kid shows over and over and over and over and suffer through yet another playdate. That has nothing to do with it at all. I truly see now, that being a parent, really is about shaping the future. We are here for them, not them for US. We grew up to adults to make them, to provide for them, to mold them. I look at my children and I always feel that their destiny is written. It is simply my job to make sure they know how loved they are, keep them safe and be their rock when they need it. Whatever they have been put on this earth for, I must make sure they fulfill it no matter how big or small it may seem, it is my job. It is my purpose in life. Whatever I thought life was for previously was but a laugh.
I wonder if they know what they are here for. Did I know back then? Did I know but forget?
Whatever it is, I have no doubt, this boy will make it happen one way or another.

this is stupid

So they changed the way you can fancy up your blogs. It said something like, "try it!". For me, the operative word here was "try" but they meant, put it on there and then never find a logical way to EVER get it off and everything you do to try and make it go away is going to make your blog look even more stupid. hahahahahahaha sucker.".
That's what I taking from it anyway.
So ya know, I have sort of gone off and ignored my blog here. MOSTLY because the folks I was mostly posting for finally got with it and got on facebook. However, I just like to spout off meaningless shit at random times so I should probably not stop blogging. I know there's that whole loyal fan-base of readers out there in internet land probably near death now from waiting for me to post again. I just know it....
At any rate, I'm sure the useless spouting will help keep me from exploding. Little boys could really care less what I think of commercialism of holidays or price gouging or ways that government or military or whatever could make everything easier if they'd just let me show them how. I can't waste precious husband actually listening to my words time on pointless crap like that, therefore...the blog is sort of like, well...the toilet for my excess brain function. Special eh? I thought so...

Lately my days consist of...like well I don't really know they are blurring right now. Kids out of school means certain NEAR dementia for me, no matter HOW hard I try. I'm trying though. Trying to toughen up, er learn of legal ways to drug, no I mean toughen up myself and take the boys out to do some more things alone. I mean really, it's just damn crowded here and between their ages and personality types in general, it's simply been PURE LIVING HELL to ever take them anywhere alone. ONCE in a blue blue moon I'd take them somewhere and they'd make me feel like the worst Mom on earth b/c they were just angels, but...then it only took that NEXT foolish attempt of mine to realize they were just screwing with me and I WAS right in the first place! ;) However, now they are getting older and Kade is REALLY acting so much more mature and Cody is just Cody kiss up. So at least I'm not spending 150% of my time with them in public screaming and threatening, only about 48% of it and the rest of that time one of them is acting like a shit while the other one is securing their safety in making sure that everyone is looking by doing the, "but i'm being a good boy mommy! see?? see how good i'm being???" i mean it's like a PSA for wire hangers. "LOOK at her people!!!! Make sure you see this and acknowledge we are being good!!!".
This is  apparently what they are talking about for that hour after bedtime when I'm about to pull my hair out for them to JUST go to sleeeeeeeeeeeep already! Yeah, giggling about farting and arguing over who is the better fastest runner etc... is only a disguise for the mastermind planning they are doing when I'm out of earshot.
At any rate, I am not about to take up drinking and don't care to pop any more pills than are necessary and certainly have no plans to start beating or belittling my kids, so we have to settle for what I can realistically handle that they can realistically handle and go from there. :)  I just wish they hadn't figured out how to push those couple of buttons yet before I figured out how to manipulate it. Damn smart kids!!!

So we were trying to pop back home for a few weeks via Space A travel, but as you may  notice -- especially since I'm not blogging about the 900 degree heat index -- that I am not in Texas in August, but England. It's a nice balmy 55 degrees and raining, so I'm actually all layered and covered up, cozy in my bed right now. :)

On that note, I have been trying to get back into some work again. It's been too long of a break, see what overkill burn out will do for you? Ugh! However, I've got 2 years worth of creative shots to get out of my head. A log of locations and random spots and things. If only I had a live in model who was at my beck and call so when the light was just right, I could whisk them off to help me make it happen. ;) Ah well...I've worked out a few on a quick call list, they just don't know it yet. Although I did send off just such a text y'day, but she was too far away! Ah well, try, try again. I'm not much of a quitter!
Next week I'm heavy on the school stuff, so we'll see if I am not a student again soon. ON PURPOSE! I don't know what's crawled up my butt but I really do want a REAL degree if for not other reason than to have it. That may sound stupid but...hey I won't be TOO stupid with all my college knowledge now will I? :)

Well, I am going to close now, this was a start and I shouldn't drone on and on about a start to starting again of something I started awhile ago, but sort of quit because then I'll be off on some random tangent again. Oh did I happen to mention who forgot their ADHD drugs today? Yeah...so its best I cut it short (for me obviously).
I want a snack.
Later peeps!

vain for vanity

I know some pretty awesome people. That is no secret. I know some people that have been through hell and back and they forever inspire me and humble me. I know people that make sacrifices that astound me.
I have, unfortunately, been touched far, far too many times by people that have to fight something that in all honesty is one of the scariest damn things I can imagine. Cancer.
Yeah... that.
I've written about a couple of them, and that hardly covers them all.
I suppose that some people are too often touched by one thing in particular, cancer seems to be mine. It is that thing that hits me in the gut. Every. Single. Time.
I've had friends fight it, some won...some did not. I've had family fight it, some won...some did not. I still, this very moment, have loved ones fighting it. Cancer terrifies me. Truth be told. It affects so many, it's like a huge shadow that falls over everyone that is in any way involved with the person diagnosed. I am exactly 6 months, 2 weeks and 2 days free of smoking. Not one. Not one single solitary puff. I've not lit one, not held one and I nearly beat my husband the other day for even handing me his pack.
It has not been easy, but it is certainly not the toughest thing I've ever done. Getting this "I quit smoking" spare tire off of me, that's proving more difficult. ;o) So, if you've been curious, yes I'm still smoke free and I have not caved once. However...it's been more difficult as of late instead of when I first quit. It comes and goes, but...you basically trade one addiction for another in general. So, now I'm trying to quit the other things I wanted to quit and turn that into an addiction to fitness. 8o)
The times I've been mere inches, seconds away from caving...I would picture those who lost their battles, the ones who have beat it but still fear it every moment and the ones that are still fighting it. Can I seriously be so vain about my weight that I will risk my kids having to go through hell when they are my age now? Can I really be so vain about my WEIGHT when I have friends this very moment just trying everything you can likely NOT imagine to just stay ALIVE?!?! Am I really THAT vain? Almost apparently, but I'm working more on listening to that voice that has so often been ignored. You know, the reasonable one...
I am all about cancer research and fundraising and just support. Whatever I can do, just let me know.
So as it goes, I found out that a dear friend here was doing something seriously beautiful. We've been waiting a little while, but the day finally arrived this past weekend. I cannot imagine the emotions she had, I really can't. I'm so vain, I never try to hide that. I simply AM, that's just a part of ME and what makes me, well...ME. Am I necessarily PROUD of it? Not so much, but it is what it is and I just own it.
My darling Gilly (jilly) was touched by cancer a LOT in a very short time at work. Three of her co-workers and friends were diagnosed within a few weeks of each other. That's really hard to take. She was so taken by this news that she felt compelled to do something drastic to show her support and love. Wow did she ever!

Just yesterday many folks gathered at the awesome pub in our old village, The Waggon and Horses which happens to belong to my good friend Suz. We all gathered there to support and watch this darling gal sell off locks of her hair. When I arrived she was already all banded up and prepping herself. Several just simply donated money while others (like me hehe) bought a lock and were able to cut it off.
Gill was sponsored by many to do this and still is able to accept donations (so let me know if you want to help out here I will totally get you hooked up!). She now has donated funds AND her hair for cancer research.
Her hair went to something similar to Locks of Love, but its in the UK (obviously) and is for children's wigs, called Little Princess Trust.
Pretty cool eh? Yes...BUT we did not just cut Gill's hair and give her a new short "do"...no people, she went all the way. She was SHAVED bald! What an amazing gift, what a beautiful thing to do. What's even better? She's totally hot when she's bald too. ;o)
It was such a moving thing for her to do. It was very emotional and difficult for her on many levels, but...not one of vanity. Just the people she cares so much about, her sacrifice, her gift....
I know all too well how it is to feel completely helpless when someone you love is hurting like that and there is simply nothing you want more than to just make it go away. Unfortunately we can't do that, so we must show our love, appreciation, admiration, support and comfort by doing whatever on earth we can. I think Gill did a fabulous job of it. Something that helped out with research, something that helped out with making sure a little girl or boy has a wig to wear when all their hair is gone and something that made the rest of us just stop and think for a minute.


At any rate, Gill darling, I think what you did was top notch! (like my Brit speak there?). haha
It was a beautiful gesture. It was truly inspiring. It was something I was thankful to get to document for you. It was touching in more ways than anyone person can say. You are simply beautiful inside and out. Thank you sweetheart. Thank you....
P.S. Please, for your own sake, don't let Suz talk you into any club nights w/out taking a vote from EVERYONE first! ;o) haha

xoxoxox sweetie..you did awesome! :)

-isms

As in, kid-isms.

I need to make sure I do this stuff more regularly, randomly. I do remember a few, but I"m sure I forget some of the classics as well.

Cody-ism.
In the car, driving him to school. The sun was actually out for once.
Cody: "MOM!!! LOOK! Look at the SUN! It's following us!!!"
Me: *smile* "Well, buddy you are right it sure is! That means we have good luck if we're followed by sunshine!"
Cody: "Well, I like good luck."
That afternoon in the car going away from school.
Cody: "Mommy LOOK! We have good luck AGAIN!!!"
Me: "Huh??"
Cody: "The sun is following us again! We have good luck again Mommy!!!"
8o)
Now doesn't that just make you smile?

Just this morning, Cody is watching Scooby Doo, his new obsession, while eating his breakfast. Wow, how awesome has it turned out to be to have a laptop and cartoon episodes @ $1.99 a pop on iTunes? So awesome, let me tell you!
So he's pretty hooked on Scooby, hey it's a break from Thomas and not TOO bad I suppose.
While we were not watching this episode in particular, he starts telling me he had a bad dream about "The Creeper". It sounds way cuter out of his mouth though b/c he says, "Cweep-oh".
Cody: "Mom how old is the Cweep-oh?"
Me: "Well, let me see...he's probably 2."
Cody: "Oh! He's 2 like Oscar?"
Me: "Well I suppose he is..."
Co: "Mom? Then when is the Cweep-oh's birthday?"
Me: "Oh, I think all Cweep-oh's have the same birthday. I think they all have a birthday party on Halloween. Don't you think??"
Co: "Yeah. That's his birthday. Mom. I don't want to go to his paw-ty though okay?"

Not a problem dude.

compelling...

Well, I doubt I have anything compelling to say. I'm just compelled to blog today. So blog I shall.
We've got a lot of little "things" going on currently I guess. Just your day to day stuff, but changes of course.

Currently, I'm laying on my hind-quarters with my leg propped up in need of ice. Yep, never fails, get gung ho on getting in shape and there goes that damn knee again. It's not stubborn that keeps me from the dr. it is fear. Not fear of the dr. but my fear of doing something will make it worse. Make sense? I generally attribute that line of thinking to ignorance, and not the mean kind, but just a lack of knowing better. However, I am well aware that what would need to be done here is totally 50-50. It would either make it better or it will make it worse. The idea of worse terrifies me. It's painful, it slows me down, it keeps me from stuff, but I can live with it as a painful inconvenience as it is.
At any rate, this time, it seems that there might be a need for medical intervention. So, I have decided I will request a partial fix if anything happens. Maybe that will work for now. ;o)

So, beyond my seriously un-whiney whine we're moving. Just to a more convenient location. It's not IDEAL necessarily but it will give Mike more time at home. It will give us less worries overall beyond too many  noisy neighbors. (Oh how I loathe noisey neighbors! So I'm sure all of OUR  neighbors think too I'm sure! haha). It's so peaceful and quiet out here, except for when the effin' jets are flying over, the training area is in the midst of a major exercise (Brit troops, not ours) and there are tanks and machine guns etc... going nuts and then the stupid sheep. Remind me when we move back to Texas and I get sheep, b/c I fully intend on getting some, to make sure and keep them FAR from the house. If they are too close to me, I might be too tempted to then purchase a pet wolf. Seriously. How ANNOYING can they possibly BE???
Anyway, we have few neighbors here and they are all so nice, so quiet and just over all extremely friendly and helpful. I'm such a snob sometimes I know, but I guess I've just had my share of neighbors from hell that I'm terrified of moving in some closed in quarters.
I'm giving up my AMAZING backyard and I have almost come to tears a few times. Especially this time of year it's really really hard to give that up. Gone will be the days where I get hours of mostly uninterrupted time while the boys play themselves to exhaustion in the backyard. Doors and windows wide open, kids playing happily, dog running herself ragged keeping me from ever having to walk her...birds, butterflies, quiet. Gone.
Oh what on EARTH am I thinking???
It will be alright though. Daddy will be around more and that is MOST important. There are playgrounds everywhere you turn, which actually gives me anxiety attacks in itself. We'll be able to bike right from our house anywhere where as here we have to drive our bikes somewhere to ride safely. Lots and lots and lots of kids to play with. Just a lot of good things.
Much less house, virtually no backyard at all, and my neighbor phobia. However, there will also be no hour + commutes for Daddy, a MUCH less frequent visit to the gas pumps, more money in our pockets and NO worries about running out of OIL all the damn time!!!!
It will be nice and I am sure I will like it. On one hand, I relax at the idea, but the other I just feel sad. Just in time that we've really met a lot of people and settled in well, we move. Figures. However, we can't make it out to be an ordeal to come visit since we make the drive daily as it is right?? 8o)

So with that, I'm going nuts trying to figure out what on earth to do with the boys and school. I'm so upset that Co has to wait until 2011 to start. If we were in Texas he WOULD start this year, but Brit schools will keep him out b/c of ONE day and the way the DoDDs school is set up, it will also keep him out and Kade will ONLY just be starting Kindergarten now if he goes on base! So I just have a lot of work to do to find the proper solution for them and school that will fit. I'm just not up to settling when it comes to this.
Why can't it just be simple? We shall see though, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised and find some perfect fit. :)
The boys are really excited though. They just see playgrounds and lots of other kids and know that Daddy is near. That's all that matters to them. So, I will have to keep reminding myself to keep it in check and think like the boys and RELAX. We'll make it work. We always do. ;)

On top of that, after we're all moved and settled...well, I've decided to go back to school as well. It's not really for a change in a career path or anything of the sort. It's a dream unrecognized. It's something that will further my career in the long run and add to it as well. It is something that I want to always say I did. I do not, under ANY circumstances, think that a bona fide degree makes me any smarter, better or more able to do anything to be honest. I much prefer to say I do this and that with very little education and still kick the shit out of people with degrees. While I do savor that more than most people can really imagine, I also want to be able to say to my boys, how important it is. Not to have the degree so they can "be somebody" b/c they already ARE somebody. I just want to have it so I can back it up. I want them to go to college for the experience if nothing else. I want them to make use of the opportunities they will have afforded to them. Opportunities that many of us did NOT have, I want them to find culture and learn and absorb the whole world, not just a little part of it.
Most of all I want it, just because I want it. People ask and I say that, but I think it's taken as me just wanting something just because. It is not that, but as much as I HATED going to school, my brain thirsts. I crave knowledge and while I do know most everything...  haha! There are a few gaps I should fill in. ;)
The idea of it really excites me and Mike is really thrilled about it as well.
Cody said he'd make my lunch for me like I make his and Kade will help me get my uniform together. I surely didn't have the heart to tell them that most of it will take place right at home. I will most definitely let them pack me a sandwich and lay out some comfy clothes for me. ;o)
I was aiming to start the summer sessions, but we're going to aim for the fall since we will be all settled in by then and winter will be coming on, so I won't have any desire to be outside much by then. :o)


I've even got a couple of sessions lined up. I'm so beyond ready to dust off my damn camera it's just wrong really. I have sooooo many ideas all piled up in my brain, it's getting a bit full in here.

So, there are quite a few changes coming. Changes I think I, personally, am in need of. So while I'm sad at the prospect of some of it, overall it's a good thing. ;o)
Who knows, maybe Mike will get to sit down and actually eat dinner with us sometimes!

growing up

As a rite of passage in this house, if you are male anyway I guess, you go play golf. Kade, at only 5 years old got to go out ON the course with Daddy. They were going to play 9 holes, but after a lunch break, Kade wanted more! So they did 9 more and he wanted MORE still, but I think Dad was tired out. It was a really special day for them though, Mike was just as excited as Kade was.

He even got to drive the cart. :)

i ADORE this one. :) Reminds me of his Daddy right here... :)

In case you were unaware, it's called "puttling" not "putting". Don't get it wrong again....

So while Kade and Daddy had their special golfing day, I definitely had to take Co to do something fun. So we went on a steam train ride. It was a good time, but he was bored with it on the ride back, and tired...but due to his insistence on us sitting right behind the engine, there was no rest on the way back. We had a great time too, it was a lot of fun. I love getting to do something special with them one on one. I will have photos along shortly from our train expedition! :)

rough and tough bikers

it might look bad...but it's simply a roadside rest. good thing this is a road that is not used by cars eh? ha! we had a little bike trouble, so we pulled off on the side of the road to wait while Daddy rode off for a tool to get us fixed and back on the road. :)

Just chillin... :)

poor tired doggie

kade's big shiner. courtesy of cody. with a frying pan.
yeah...brotherly love. ain't nothin' like it in the world!

tired pooch

Oscar got a bit winded when we went for a bike ride. She's apparently a bit out of shape, but she had to stop for a rest, she just took the first seat she came to. haha

what is....UP??? or down?? or......SHINY!!!!!

Well, the planes are again. Thankfully. What a mess!!!
Well, it is official. I'm in "GET RID OF EVERYTHING" mode. Where the hell does this accumulation of "STUFF" come from? Kids sure, but...they certainly don't drive themselves to the store to BUY "stuff" so...I suppose I can't fully blame it on them. It's just annoying. I got rid of SO much before coming over here.
I just had this epiphany talking to my dr. one day. It was so simple it was a total forehead smack moment. Seriously.
I just simply cannot function with clutter. No distractions. I need one of those houses you see on tv that has like NOTHING in it. The 100% ikea home. There are things, but they are hidden and you can't see them unless you are getting them. Except I am kinda of veering away from Ikea furniture now. Yeah, it's alright...but hey I'm 32, I'm probably supposed to be like a grown up now. Real grown ups have dove-tail jointed drawers. Not fiber board (yes I tried to type fibre instead) drawers that are stapled and nailed back together 30 times b/c all those odd-matched socks that never get worn weigh too much for it.
Anyway, see? totally off track again.
Learning how to be...what IS the right word here? I don't want to say or even seek out to be remotely "normal" and well, I've always been human, just distracted. ;) I'll say domesticated, so we can picture Mowgli trying to organize kitchen cabinets and keep a playroom tidy for the 90 mph boy blurs that rush through it like a hurricane. Right. Surely growing up with wolves would leave one at a loss sometimes right?
Yeah he'd totally whip around me like there was nothing to it, go figure...
OMG. Meds, can you PLEASE kick in here?!?!?!?! Geez.
I'm never going to get through this short thought process.
For an example though, there's been a mess and I go to take care of it, I can't say how many times I've literally stood there. I stood there and stared at it, completely and totally unsure of what to do. Obviously, clean it up. However, the actual brain cell needed to cause the physical action that is necessary to begin is over there looking out the window at a butterfly or something. I've never been able to really explain it right, but the more I try to fix it, the more the explanation seems to come to me. The right analogy comes to mind.
So you see those movies that have robots or parasitic aliens with human hosts, when the batteries run out, or there is a glitch in the wiring or the parasite slithered away...that empty shell that looks like a breathing person standing there motionless, well that is me.
No really, its like there is a huge traffic jam ahead, HUGE one and you might sit at the on ramp and try to decide, "should I go on? surely it will clear off soon. Should I just go 15 miles out of the way to avoid it all together? what if i get to the other side of town and hit it at that spot too?" now you are blocking up the people that DO know where they want to go, passed you to the traffic jam on the freeway or around you through town to attempt to miss it all.
So now you are left with trying to muddle through the packed lanes slowly, you can try to take a quick and "easy" way around it all which will likely backfire b/c that's just the way karma works when you try to short-cut stuff. Well, now in the time you've tried to figure out what way to go, what to do, you're now trapped in between. You can't get on the interstate now and you can't go through town b/c all the other cars have since packed in around you and there's no way to even see out. No way to find the escape, if you could even get back home! Nothing. Stuck. So...you just sit there. Hell, maybe you take this opportunity to have a little nap and somewhere, out of the blue, you realize that two hours have passed and there's no telling where they really went. (Remember, that was only a "nap" inside my head, not for real).
So that is really what happens.
However, unknown to the common visitor's eye, I actually have a bit of an OCD streak. I can walk in and look at my pantry and find things out of order, facing the wrong way etc... and I swear it gives me anxiety. I feel so out of whack. I have to take EVERYTHING out, and put it back neatly. All veggies grouped appropriately by group, then color and size and absolutely EVERY one of them facing the exact same way...EXACTLY. Things are placed due to frequency of use, size so on so forth.
When I am done, I stand back and admire the organization. My mind, body and soul (no seriously I'm such a freak) just reeeeeeeee-lax. My brain feels clearer. I SMILE, I'm such a total serious freak, yes i SMILE.
Then I will walk away and find myself drawn to the pantry numerous times through out the day, not for food, but just to admire the organization and flow. I think it could be sort of like a OCD freakazoid valium or something. Having a rough day? Feeling stressed? Go look in the organized pantry.
So then, it sort of dominoes from there. It takes forever to realize the simplest things. It's so unfair, but then I guess that would make life far too easy and unbearably boring right?

I was really dumb founded by this...it was something I had to think on. I then thought of how I cannot seem to get any work done at my computer, but if I clean my desk off where there is basically nothing on it and what is there is situated just so, I can bust out some work like nobody's business.
So, now I  know this, and it makes this struggle that much more urgent. It is that much more necessary to purge anything that we do not NEED. We have far too much excess.
However, I know that it is there. I know it's in there somewhere....
I will find my way. I will figure out how to function properly, not forget, not lose time, not be late, know where everything is.
I. WILL.
It is coming, it is near and while it's FAR too slow going for my taste, it is going. Just way slooooooow.

It is really interesting to me, now in hindsight, what things the medication helps and what is really due to environment and discipline. A lot of this stuff is like dieting, or going to the gym regularly. I just have to train myself. I need to train myself all the way to the damn gym too while I'm at it, but that's another subject and I am now finishing this in a different day, a day that pills are working more properly you see. ;)

However, I'm more on time than I have been in a long time. I USED to be early all the time. Then, not so much. Then pretty much  never. Now I'm so so. Truth be told though, I actually can't STAND being early. It's so BORING! However, that is how I often end up late for anything anyway. I have to allot myself the perfect amount of time and not let anything muck it up. Too much time makes me stop keeping track of it, or get involved in something that I haven't got enough time for. Oh and the sitting and waiting? UGH!!! BORrrrrrrr-ING!
If only I were an interruptable person....yeah spell check, I just made that up. Deal with it.
My favorite and most noted difference though, is when I speak. I had gotten so bad that I couldn't finish words. Not sentences, but WORDS. I would get stuck in the middle of a WORD and completely forget what  I was trying to say. I love words, vocabulary is seriously important. I live in the thesaurus but I'd be trying to say a simple word and it and any other possible replacement word, would all escape me.
Then, I'd look like an idiot. Then it all went down hill from there.
What a mess. So if there were nothing else in the world that ADHD meds could do for me, they enable me to speak again. There are numerous other things of course, but seriously remembering to TAKE a pill daily is so monumental I could never explain (pills everyday? Not so much, and let me introduce you to my son Cody..... yeah. haha). So just TAKING the pills daily is enormous, then being able to SAY that, crazy awesome, anything else is just icing. :)
So there you have it. Frankly, I'm almost certain this began with a different subject in mind for topic, but hey this is where it ended up so there you go..............

At that, my son was an exhausting beast today, which is really bad considering he was at school for 6 hours of the day. He's not acted so bad in so long my brain just freaked out and I think it's worn out now. I need to finish my CSI. I bought a season on iTunes and oh, how fabulous it is! I miss TV!!! Not that I watch much, but the ability to I guess...but, this is actually kind of better to be honest. :)

exciting

this is really exciting. like i can't even say.

what on earth is even slightly exciting here???
well, let me share. it is b/c i was able to convert, adjust and save THIS photo....right on my LAPTOP!!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! through a couple hours of perseverance i have everything functioning on the laptop. oh exciting, exciting, exciting!!!!
i've only been able to edit pics on my ooooooold poor worn out work pc. the one i've blown up twice now. yeah that poor old thing. but, now i've got this one figured out, i can also fix it so i can use everything on my other much nicer newer desktop too. now that i know how. ;)
so i'm excited! this means, i'm pretty sure anyway....lots more pics on the ol' blog-a-roo now.

and...AWAY he goooooes!!!!

so, we are from west texas. meaning...we're not really used to the effects of super wet, salty water in the air. meaning...brand new bikes from the fall that were not properly stored are large lumps of rust with wheels. er...not THAT bad, but too bad to be seen on in public. ;)
not to mention oscar's ONLY bad dog evidence, which is from her first few days here, are the chewed off seats. ;)
anyway, i was NOT going to go spend all that money on new bikes again, much less new bikes that broke as much as the rust lumps did. kade is ALMOST, but just not quite, at the next size up. that means that so is cody. hence...we're not spending much on bikes for the next several months.
so i went in search of my favorite thing...a bargain!
so i went all over looking for used kid bikes. i took poor kade back and forth looking at bikes. of course he was mad that i chose the fitted size bike for co that happened to be co's fave color, BUT it had flames on it and is totally fast b/c of that flame job ;)
we finally found kade a bike. he said it was a bob the builder bike due to the color, it looks like Scoop.
Well, he'd had training wheels on his green bike all this time, I had decided he was old enough to learn to ride w/out them though so I had no intention of putting any on his bike this time.
When I took him to see this yellow bike, the man asked if he could ride and I said not w/out any trainers on it. So he's pushing Kade on the bike to see if it fits him well or not, and he then lets go of Kade, who I'm waiting to fall over and go kiss his knee. Apparently t hough, he'd been out taking bike lessons in the middle of the night or something because he did not fall over, he took off riding that bike like he'd been doing it for a year.
Seriously, it reminded me of Forest Gump when his braces fell off and he could " RUN! FOREST RUN!!!!".
He hasn't stopped riding ever since. I was absolutely amazed.
So...without further ado, here is Kade...his SECOND time riding a bike for real. :o)

Kamikaze Kade


Poor Co, has to still have the training wheels on his and he has more hell than anything I've ever seen. I know he's awfully young for it, but I think we're going to try him w/out them soon as well. If he can figure out balance, he can do it no doubt. Kade won't even try to use his hand brakes and Co uses his fine. Just seems that regular old training wheels are not tough enough for my big boy. We've gone through a few pair now...he's not used to not being able to keep up, so it's frustrating for everyone!
He kicks butt training wheels or not though...when he's not falling over that is. ;o)
After this video we took them out to the woods and rode all our new bikes and it was awesome. Kade did not fall once...Co on the other hand, well...he WOULDN'T have if his trainers could've kept up with him. :o) So much fun though, so we're in the market for a bike rack.
Also, just FYI, I guess you really DON'T forget how, b/c I didn't even fall ONCE! yeah I was probably more sure that I would fall, not the kids! ha!

Anyway, here's Kade, knowing how to do something all along, but not bothering to tell anyone.
xoxo

What I do NOT miss...

I feel it's only fair.... ;o)

Well, I certainly have things that I do not miss about West Texas. I mean...come on. If not for family and friends, West Texas would've just been something of the past a long time ago. I never keep it any secret how much I did not like the area. It's not BAD BAD, but it's so not my favorite either. However, my favorite PEOPLE are there...so that makes a big difference. ;O)

Anyway, West Texas does not get off Scott Free here...

~ hummingbird sized mosquitoes (AT ALL) i get swarmed. always.
~ wind. not that there is not wind here, no there is plenty. however, we don't have to breathe in half of New Mexico when it does blow here. It's just damn cold.
~ 107 degrees in the shade. Yeah I loathe baking when I step out the front door for 5 whole seconds.
~ Swarms. You know how every couple of years we have a swarm of something? The crickets are the worst IMO. *shudder* but the grasshoppers, the beetles, the crickets...
~ june bugs. potato bugs. whatever you call them. i hate, hate, hate them. thanks to my Uncle Tommy and cousin Philip. I'm still scarred by them chasing me and throwing them in my hair.
~ fences. that's the WAY cool thing here. there are thousands and thousands of acres here that have no fences. meaning...if i had a HORSE here i could ride for days and not make a circle. you can go exploring anywhere on foot, on bike, on horse...it's awesome. there are hardly any fences here. i dig.
~ brown grass
~ this one is a given...fire ants
~ having to watch for poisonous snakes
~ having to watch for poisonous spiders
~ having to watch out for poisonous everything.
~ um, just having to worry about everything possibly being killer bugs or reptiles or animals or...whatever it may be.
~ wasp nests.
~ the barren landscape
~ water rationing
~ the feeling like the world drops off at the edge of town. ;0) haha

I was reading some nature books with the boys the other day, I've bought a load of old books at thrift stores about nature, animals etc...  SO we got to rattlesnakes and that, of course, led to the conversation how they are poisonous and all over the place in Texas. Then we got into all the snakes and spiders and scorpions etc... Well, as much as Kade always tells me that we HAVE to go back to Texas tomorrow, he suddenly changed his tune. He seriously had fear in his eyes and said, "Mom, we can't ever go back to Texas. It's DANGEROUS!"
Whoops! ha! Well, I suppose it will seem that way. Where as I grew up knowing to watch for snakes, not play with spiders and always check the covers before getting in bed, never slipping my feet in a shoe w/out shaking it out first so on and so forth. They are missing out on that schooling living here, so I guess when it's not just the way things are, it's freaky. Just as I did NOT believe or trust our neighbors when we first got here and I asked them what would kill me, after their "OMG that American is mad" expression, they said nothing. Well, I thought it had to be some sort of conspiracy. I mean, not having rabies here was trippy enough, but seriously?!?!?! No killer insects? Not even one teeny tiny innocent looking ladybug turned fire-breathing beast? Unheard of! So I did hear later there is one snake to watch out for here, but it's very rare. Regardless, I jog through the woods with wild abandon.
Needless to say, when we move back to Texas I will surely get bit by a rattler within a month. I should start taking bets now.
While it's not killer, the stinkin nettle is nearly as bad though. OUCH!!!! It might LOOK like the making of strawberries growing wild...it's surely not. Don't find out the hardway like I did. More of that ignorant American I guess. In my flip flops and shorts walking up to a huuuuge patch, "Hey Mike! Look! Wild strawberries EVERYWHEeeeee......OUCH SHIT! OWowowowowowow!!!! *&(*&^^&%^&@@$!&#*J".
Yeah, good thing no one else was around to see that one...

P.S.

i also miss milk by the GALLON and garbage pick up twice a week, gosh...even ONCE a week would be killer.

*sigh*

okay but that's all. i remembered those too. haha

here i am...

as if anyone reads this anymore? i know, i know... everybody gave up on me. well, i do have a sort of reason for not having posted on here in awhile. i've tried to explain but man oh man...can you just imagine how LONG winded i might have gotten? far too much.
so the short of it is, i am going to go on and do my "thang" and i'll finish up my rant about nothing really probably someday maybe. i dunno. at any rate, i'm not going to withhold randomness b/c i haven't had my say yet.
blah...

anyhoo, i am going to try to catch up on all the pointless crap that i've felt compelled to share but have not for the last month or so. somehow, someway.
at the moment, since i'm sooooooo seriously annoyed i feel like sharing a list of....i miss.
so PEOPLE aside, for that is a given, a list of things i miss from home. the things we take for granted in the states and i mean honestly it's not like i'm in some 3rd world country  here so it's really petty stuff. actually, seeing as it's earth day i should really just shut the hell up and not complain about anything. be glad i have food, water, a roof, clothing so on so forth.
um, alas, the petty list.

i miss:

~ drive thru's on the right side of the car
~ WAL-MART  (ooooh the convenience of having it all in one place!!!)
~ target just b/c target was SO fun to just peruse through for hours on end and sadly we only  had an old school convenience store sized target in abilene.
~ lowe's. man...how can i even explain how much i miss lowe's.
~ beds, mattresses, bedding that all fit each other. (hence my current foul mood. SO SICK OF IT!!!!)
~ walking into my fave stores and trying on my clothes first.
~ shopping in a friendly shopping environment. think ppl are rude in the states in stores??? oooooohh no way friends. not at ALL. i think ppl might not even think they are being rude here, but...when you grow up shopping in a country where you don't walk in front of ppl, you say "excuse me" etc... it's beyond effing rude here. i want to pummel ppl within about half an hour. i do NOT go shopping at ALL on the weekend. it's like black friday on crack. yeah...
~ properly sized clothing.
~ shoes. don't get me started on SHOES. if you gals with giganto feet like me think it's bad back home??? yeah, move to europe. piss. off. i thought it was exciting at first to realize that my shoe "size" would be like two sizes smaller...until hey guess what, NO ONE has that size either.
~ walking into a restaurant and KNOWING i WILL like something there, much less know what everything is on the menu.
~ margaritas
~ tanning (it's sickeningly expensive here)
~ going for pedi's with my girls
~ rosa's (okay i could not leave my girl rosa out... ;) ).
~ mrs. bairds
~ borden's milk
~ ice. ice in my drinks, ice at the stores. ice in the freezer. ice is a hot commodity here.
~ adult sized ovens.

and....LAST BUT NOT LEAST.
i miss INTERSTATES!!!! how, how awesome to get on I-20 or I-35 and go in a nearly straight line, fast. straight, solid, fast. getting somewhere in a reasonable time rather than getting stuck behind tractors and trucks and risking your life to pass them to only get caught by a train. 20 miles takes an hour, if you are lucky.


well, i could go on and on about the FOOD i miss and the THINGS i miss doing with the PEOPLE i miss. that would go on forever i'm sure though. it's spring and well, when the sun is out and it's sort of warm out, i tend to forget about a lot of the inconveniences and fall in love with england all over again. there are daffodils all over the roadsides growing wild in abundance. no more of that hoping for a good year and driving around for hours looking for the one good bluebonnet patch that is publicly accessible. cherry trees are covered in flowers, the green is absolutely unbelievable. sure it's green year round pretty much, it's overwhelming in the early summer. breathtaking really...

but for tonight. tonight i'm just PISSED about beds and bedding and the lies they feed you on the internet about things being the same size that are not.
don't ask, just know that i've spent 2 days working really hard and just realized it was for nothing and well, if i've not mentioned. i'm REALLY pissed about it.

so on that note, i'm taking my pissy self to get warm b/c i'm f-f-f-f-f-freeeeeeezing!