Ya know, as usual I have so much I need to spit out that I think I"m on overload and nothing can find it's way out. I am compelled to go on about this or that. I get inspired, I get annoyed, I get aggravated, overjoyed...I get all sorts of "too much" something. I always feel I need to get it out. I need to write about it or something... but then I start thinking of all the other things I wanted to write, or say and then the other things I ought to, or forgot to and then...what's more pressing? I mean really, what's the most important crap to come out of my brain? Who can really be the judge of that? If only I had a transcriptionist in my head...perhaps with a side degree in editing. If only.
That said, I'm compelled to write right NOW. As I'm reading things online. I'm overcome with sadness and gratefulness all at once. What am I reading you might ask? Well, it's actually a list of charities wanting money from Pepsi. See, I (shockingly) won an iTouch from pepsi a couple months ago and they told me about their charitable donations this year. It's pretty cool actually but a bunch of charities, already in place or to be formed from this, are in the running for a boat load of money from Pepsi. Um, more to the point, Pepsi did not take out any ads at all for Superbowl Sunday this year and instead have used that money for charities chosen by none other than...the people. :) So, even though I think Pepsi tastes like crap and the only thing I do like about it is the smell always makes me think of my Granny, it's a pretty damn cool thing and maybe other companies should get on the train too.
Anyway, I'm obviously immediately taken by the childhood cancer charities (HEY IT'S CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IF YOU DID NOT KNOW!!!!), there are also many others that touch me. Firstly the equine therapy ones snag me right off the bat. I wish people could REALLY grasp what horses can do for sooooo many things, What they did for me on many occasions in many ways. Animals in general really help kids out. Then there was one collecting suitcases for kids going into foster care. Ouch. Feeding hungry children who don't have anything to eat on the weekends, i.e. school lunches keep them alive (BTDT). Just all of these things slamming me in the face, or heart more so at once. Obviously these are things we are all aware of, perhaps not everyone is aware of all of them and there are certainly far worse things out there still. I get so passionate about some things that I really do just get overwhelmed. How can I help? I've spent the last month trying to figure out some creative way to do some fundraisers for childhood cancer research, and you now know why if you didn't before (read above in bold if you could possibly have missed it). ;)
Now I'm even MORE compelled as we just got word of more bad news for Em. Cancer is back and she's headed in for surgery #3 on Wednesday. I am five THOUSAND miles away and this is literally the 3rd time since I've been so far away. What the HELL can I do? A thoughtful phone call or card in the mail hardly ever seem even remotely adequate. It will come to me, I hope...I'd just like for it to come to me sooner than later. Big. Something...big. I'm sure it's there, it's at the tip of my consciousness it just won't pop on out.
Ya know, the point is. I read these things. Some of them take me back. Some of them remind me to be thankful. Some of them just make me sad. Regardless, they ALL push my guilt forward again. My guilt. I am by NO means a rich person, at ALL. Hello....we're military. That said, we are nowhere near poor. Anyone that says so has never been poor and that's as far as that argument will go. Seriously, don't get me started.
Why do I always feel like I can't give back though? I so admire these people that can uproot themselves and just go wherever the world needs help. Kids? Hell they go too! I mean, I so admire that. I think of all the things that they likely subject their kids to, and while it's got to be hard to see that reaction on your child's face, does it take away their innocence or does it give them this endless depth of empathy? I don't want my kids bitching about a new Nintendo, I want them to donate their toys on their own accord. I want them to step back and be so thankful they have a roof, food, clothes...I get so easily caught between that person and the "have stuff" person. I can't stand the "have stuff" person to be honest, but...I LIKE having stuff. It's not in a "oh look at me everyone, i have STUFF!" way. It's just b/c *I* like having some stuff. I never did, now I can. However, my fault, my fault that I can't stand, that goes hand in hand with "have stuff" person is...now i have stuff, i want more. the stuff i have is nice but i like this one even better.
if i were but a stronger person, and my family would agree to it. I'd sell it all off and buy a teepee and some sheep and a backpack or something. okay and a laptop and Internet access and camera to record all this lunacy. but i mean... see? i can't. even when i really want to.
I'm already in some preFreakin 32, damn you. I see that 30 doesn't get you, it takes it's time then sneaks up out of nowhere. Piss off 32. Really... now what do I find at 32? I find wrinkles. Lots of them. Wrinkles that are not the cute kind, but the, "holy hell I kind of look like a grown up with those things" kind. MORE gray hair. Drooping, oh dear the drooping. Seriously my boobs must've gotten really depressed or tired one day because I swear they fell about 4" in one day. That was the last straw. I had decided against a lift b/c of the scarring, really what good would it do? Victoria's Secret can do the same for me and I'd be just as horrified at my drooping as I would the scars I think. Now...maybe this might need something more intense after all.
All of that at once, and then realizing all the things I seem to have to give up now? What the hell? I am going to have to spend each spare moment doing cardio, eating cardboard and applying cream to this and that? YUCK. So to give up anything and everything else? Hello, apparently I DO age and grow older along with getting fat, cuz ya know that used to never happen either. ;) In other words, apparently I am not invincible. Shit.
That said, I complain about this or I complain about that. I want to buy this, no maybe not perhaps this instead. If you only knew how much I obsess over stuff but making sure I find the best deal on the best thing...oh it's sick. I concern myself with some of the most idiotic things. If I could tell that part of my head to shut up, surely I'd have enough mental capacity to focus on others.
I wish...I wish, I could figure out how to filter it so only the important stuff remained. I have absolutely nothing on earth to complain about. As my husband snores on the sofa next to me, my happy healthy rambunctious children sleep soundly in their beds our bellies full, our heads dry, our bodies warm...what is my problem? What is anyone's problem? What if we all spent as much time helping others as we did complaining about what we don't have, what we want, what we 'need'?? What if? Doesn't it make us feel so fulfilled as humans to do good for others? Does it not fill the gap? Could we all vow to do at least one deed? One big deed, one thing we were really involved in all year? A day a month to volunteer somewhere? A weekend to do something? A night a week? All things we don't need/want rather than selling them, donating them to either raise money for charity or to donate to those who really DO need it?
What if.........
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