A post for boot lovers the world over!!!

First and foremost....
WAIT!!! Don't toss that wrapping paper just yet! Here's a little recycling, DIY post from me. Shock!

Now, as many MAY know, and if you didn't...you will now. I have a problem. It's a love of all things boots. I'm not a shoe whore at all, but man I love me some boots. I must say, however, before I post the photo of my closet that there are no Frye boots in my closet. Most of them are off brand clearance boots. Not all, but most. A couple are gifts <3 and well... whatever, I don't believe in $500 shoes so this is my guilty little pleasure.

Anyway - I hate for my boots to be all laid over. They just look so sad like that. Also, cheap or not, it's just not good for them. If you have shopped around for boot savers, oh my gosh! They are $10 in the states, and I've only found them for 10 GBP here. Do the math, that can add up quick! Have I mentioned I'm cheap? Why yes I am. Therefore, I'm not about to pay that to save all of my boots and make them look happier in the closet.

I had an idea awhile back and my initial idea was using plastic grocery bags. However, you've got to really save a LOT of bags and that sucks. It also gives some Oregonians a heart attack knowing those bags may or may not be made of some kind of oil or some tree-hugger something. Although it is being re-used, it still causes further manufacture of more plastic bags that are bad for the environment. (OMG what has England DONE to me?? haha).

So.....here we go:
How to inexpensively keep your boots in shape AND re-use a few things you've got around the house. :)

***disclaimer. these are just some shots of my boots in my closet that has ugly lighting. i cannot be held responsible for the ugliness of these photos. give me a break. hahaha ***



Do your boots look sad like this?

Hold on to your used wrapping paper. What else are you going to do with it? Burn it? Recycle it? Just toss it in the bin? 

Now you'll need an old tall sock. Being a military spouse, old long socks are plentiful here. How long till Mike is running around looking for a pair of socks I wonder? haha!

By now, I should hope you've figured out where I'm going with this. Stuff sock with ripped up wrapping paper. Ooooooh yeah. I know. I'm freakin smart. ;)

Fit stuffed sock into boot. 

These boots were a good example as they are knee high or over the knee (well for folks with shorter legs than me anyway). So you can see this is great for all lengths. 

And....here you have it. Once I'm all done I will have a closet full of happy boots. Staying in shape, recycling old paper and holey old socks. :0)

Obviously you don't have to wait till Christmas to do that. You can use old newspapers or even inexpensive plain white tissue paper you might find at a craft/dollar store. Obviously there are lots of different things you can use, but softer papers would be better as they will fill it up fuller. :)
There you have it!

Hope everyone is having a great holiday!

xoxox

Pyjama Day

I can never read that word and not pronounce it "PIE-Jawma" in my head. No matter how hard I try. ;)

Today was PJ dat at school. Quite a contrast from their regular threads eh? :0) They got to take a favorite animal as a guest as well. Cody chose his stuffed chocolate lab "Sue" and Kade took his new croc appropriately named "Crocker". Something tells me there were probably a TON of mario jammie bottoms at school today. Just a guess....

In other news.... 

This, my friends, excites me to NO end. I've been dying for the day that I could start reading chapter books with the boys. We have tried a few times, but the attention span just wasn't quite there. FINALLY, Kade and I have started reading our first Harry Potter book. I read a page and he reads a page and MUCH to my delight...I hardly have to help him at all. He really only needs help with the names, understandably so. It will take awhile I'm sure but we're going to go through the whole series. I am shamed to admit I have only read the first two, but I seriously wanted to wait and read it WITH them. Cody listens as he's just now begun his own reading journey but he is doing FABULOUSLY well at it. Love having readers all in the house! 

Can't decide, though I need not worry about it TOO much yet, which set to go to next. It will likely be the Black Stallion series, but who knows... :0)

Lastly...I made a snack. Pinterest inspired. Sort of. It went a little wrong in the end. Taste-wise it was a huge hit. Health-wise... well.....it's actually not QUITE as bad as it looks. Apples covered with melted peanut butter, a few marshmallows piled on, a random chocolate chip (which the did not eat) and a little chocolate syrup drizzle. Should've just stopped at the marshmallows I think. hahaha.

Either way, they've asked for it every day since and I've had to come up with some excuse as to why I can't make another yet. Ooops! I'll have to revert their attention away with something else less.....marshmallowy. 

That is all. Time to grab PJ'd kids from school, drop off friends at home and then...home to snuggle up for movie night. Tonight's menu is pigs in a blanket. Easy enough. I accept. ;)
I think this is going to be movie-marathon weekend. Gotta get a little bit o' Werewolf action in there somewhere!
Then a date at the "PICTURE SHOW" (hahahahaha man that's too damn funny Mike) to see some Poop Pie in action. ;o) YES we're horribly behind on movies here. Bite me. lol

Have a great one all! 

Facebook Ghost

So I kind of failed to ever come on here and explain why I decided to take a little time off of facebook.
More than anything it's just because of the same thing you hear most people say, "I spend too much time on here! Gosh I could've gotten this and that done but I got sucked into such and such on facebook."
Such is the life of the Work at Home crowd, the Stay at Home crowd, the bored at home so and on and so forth. Whatever you are, maybe you are not even at home and always on facebook!

More than anything, I am someone that is a tiny bit of a control freak....ya know, that's laid back all at the same time anyway. However, I've mentioned a time or two that I used to smoke, but now I do not. I also used to drink Dr. Pepper all day. Every single day. Milk or Dr. Pepper. Otherwise it was somewhat random to have some water, tea or booze. Now I do not. I also used to have a SEVERE addiction to reese's peanut butter cups. I won't even lie. Prior to kids...my  metabolism could handle it. Hell my metabolism used to smack itself on the chest and dare the calories... "bring it on bitches!!!" and it won everytime.
Apparently, it worked too damn hard though and with no notice whatsoever, it got a little sick half way through my first pregnancy and has remained fairly crippled ever since.

Therefore, 150 calories per can 12x a day (okay not quite that much but still) and 400 calories per pack more than we want to even mention for the reese's cups...then all the tar and cancer inducing chemicals....
Well, seems I was a bit of a slave to all things unhealthy. I had no control over them. I could have, but I just did not ever put forth the effort nor did I really care to. Until I actually tried to not eat, drink or inhale it. Then I found it was somewhat difficult to just stop.

I would try, not really care to put the effort into it and then fail. Then I'd feel bad for failing so I'd fail a little worse just to make up for it.

However, that's not really like me. I am NEVER happy being half way at anything. I don't dig failing. I do it quite often, we all do believe it or not. I'm fine with admitting such, REGARDLESS of what SOME people say, I openly admit my failures and the 2 or 3 times I've possibly been sort of wrong about something. However in my defense I did make it right or learn how to not do it again and hopefully did not fail again and there went a real quick side-track off into ADHD land.

ANYWAY. The controlling person that I can be is not too cool with that ASSHOLE voice that lives up in my head that muffles the one that speaks reason. The one that says, "don't do that, you will regret it." or whatever it says. That same voice that somehow took control of my hand as it would reach for a reese's cups, all the while that reasonable one who was just trying to stick with the damn program is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO don't do it!!!!" yet...the next thing Miss Reason knows is I'm now sitting in the car outside the store revelling in that sweet mixture of chocolate and peanut butter, swigging down the sickeningly sweet caffeine-laced liquid and just pushing my body one cell at a time closer to diabetes, obesity and overall unhappiness. Not due to being overweight...due to not doing what I set out to do.

I have done this many times. If I am good at anything, I think I've now decided I'm good at quitting.
I've quit a lot of things in my day. A lot of them were good things for me to quit, in fact most of them were. All of them, were NOT good for me to quit though. I'm a quitter. I admit it freely.

However, I'm good at trying again. Again and again and again and again until I get it right. I can get a little bit obsessive. Now that I have successfully quit a decent amount of things that a lot of people never seem to be able to quit...I think I have raised the bar a bit too much in my own head.
So I tend to be pretty strict with myself. It's needed though. I can be a bit of a lame ass and seriously do need the discipline. If only I could stick a Drill Sgt voice in my  head that was louder than the lazy one I'd be one disciplined MoFo.
As it is....I quit those things. I can do it. I have no issue of that at all. I don't really understand why EVERY ONE can't just quit stuff if it makes them unhappy. I really don't. I mean really, really...... (everyone should REALLY stop smoking. Y'all smell bad and your coughing grosses the rest of us out).

I found myself spending too much time on facebook. Duh. Though I know a LOT of folks well think I spent TONS more time on there than most...you are quite mistaken. Seriously. I had NOTHING on a lot of people I know. I did, however, spend too much time and energy there.
I found myself feeling creatively stifled for a number of reasons. I don't find it funny when I see tags of pictures where people joke about "not now honey Mommy's facebooking."
Obviously, I hope, that joke is meant in moderation. However I will shamefully admit that there were MANY times I said, "in just a minute. hold on...." and then it was 30 minutes later. NOT cool.
Obviously I'm a realist and NOT one of those mushy mashy parents that coddles her children to death and can't make the time to go pee b/c I might miss a moment of staring at my beautiful children. Yeah...NOT so much.
However, I also did not like it when my son's every reference began with "on your facebook?'. Granted EVERYONE talks about it nowdays. it is everywhere, however I don't want that to be what my kids remember of me.
I wanted to take out more time to do some fun stuff with them. Not around them. Not in between checking facebook.

When we were gone on holiday, I did not pay the excessive fees to have my phone online. Therefore I wasn't getting all these notifications all through out the day every time someone posted something. Remember some of my friends are facebook gurus so it honestly was near constant that my phone was pinging at me. I liked that I didn't get notified every time someone bought some shoes or were sitting at starbucks behind someone lacking deodorant or wondering why pickles were green etc....
I liked it so much, that upon our return....I turned the notifications off to my phone. I could seek them OUT if  I chose, but it wasn't stalking me at all hours.

Still...I found myself wanting to take a photo of stupid shit at the most idiotic times so I could share something random and stupid on facebook. I found myself doing things specifically based toward facebook. I think I was living part of my life FOR facebook. I mean, if you think about it that way...a lot of us are.
It bothers me.

Then we got some movie, the adverts for digital copy REALLY bothered me. The kid is going on how he can watch movies ANYWHERE! On vacation, at the beach, at the park, when friends are over.... REALLY? Like, what happened to actually enjoying being where you are? Why the hell even bother going to the damn beach if you are going to watch movies on your tiny screen anyway? I mean...just stay your ass at home and save the money/time. It hardly counts as quality time if you have your face stuffed in some screen now does it?

Things like that have been eating at me. I don't like it. Not one bit. Knowing that I am not one of those people that can truly cut down on something and STAY cut back on it...I just chose to do what I did. So far....it doesn't bug me much at all. I get kind of bored, sure. That's the moment I should get up and go DO something else though. I feel disconnected, that's for damn sure. I don't even know what all I've missed out on with my friends due to not being on FB. It's okay though. A couple have contacted me via other avenues a few times and I love them for that. :0)
I wasn't trying to get time away from the world. Nor from my friends etc... JUST facebook itself. Period.

I find that more than anything, upon my return to facebook I will drop all but a couple of my groups. Those seem to be the biggest time suck of all and often harbour a lot of drama, which I simply don't give a damn about. I had enough drama in my life before I could even walk, the hell if I'm going to go out of my way to be in the middle of it. Especially when I can't even show my facial expressions. When there is drama, my expressions can take care of any words that need not be spoken. ;)

Anyway, I honestly just did it for no reason beyond needing the separation. Feeling too anxious when I didn't have it, feeling too geared toward it in everyday moments when I already wish I could drop my camera more and be involved in moments rather than having to record them.
I felt I did not have reasonable control over something, therefore...I removed it. THAT'S some control now. ;)
It is what I would do with any aspect of my life that I felt I could not get down to reasonable, so that's what I did.

It's a little too quiet here. I'm a little bored socially. However, it's okay. I've found myself with a slightly cleaner house (though still not spotless b/c that's just never gonna happen till my free maid shows up). I've felt a little freer. I've been trying to cook more often for my family, which is big. haha! I've been doing up some crafts with the kids. I've been trying to sit down and watch a movie.
I've tried to do some reading, but that just tends to come in waves and as much as I try apparently it's just not reading time just yet.

I've definitely made loads of progress on photo stuff. Imagine the hoarders episode from HELL in computer files. Yeah....... that's likely the biggest thing that has taken place since facebook and I have started seeing other people. I've got a LONG LONG LONG way to go as well.
Next week...I aim to get out of the house a bit more. I've been chained to the house since I started my break feeling like I had too much to do here. I do have a great deal to do still but I'm getting way too pale for England even. I need to get out and do some more exploring and I need to reconnect with some old friends.

Time is running out and I need to do with it what I can. Facebook will be there when it's too dark and cold outside or when I'm bored to tears somewhere else. ;0)

Until then....... don't forget about me! ;)

Sew School

I know several of my friends have expressed interest in dusting off the sewing machine. So I thought I'd share this. Pretty good deal it looks like. :)
There are also some good tuts on there. :)

Sew School

Here we go again

JUST great.... now the monkeys are joining the profession. 

What next????

Sunshine on my shoulder wherever i go.... :oP

Sunshine on my shoulder wherever i go.... :oP, originally uploaded by off the*deep*end.

Sunshine on my shoulder wherever i go.... :oP

Hello there Sun

Hello there Sun, originally uploaded by off the*deep*end.

Hello there Sun

Hi. My Name is Dull

Pretty sure I should just have it legally changed. *YAWN* at my own self.
I just skimmed through here. Though I did stop blogging for awhile, though for a reason, still..... can I be a little more *borrrrrrriiiiingggg????*.
I should probably get some stuff caught up on here before I go judging myself. Although...I'm feeling like I should go bungee jump off Big Ben or something to push it a little more.

I have been off of facebook for 9 days now and my randomness is really starting to have a panic attack. Can you tell? hahaha. I was technically allowed to log in on Sunday but I did not. Mostly b/c I was too lazy to get off my ass and find the password I'd hidden. I wasn't having withdrawal at all either though...so ya know. LOL.
I did log in for a few minutes last night, so that I could fix the errors with my blog feeds. ONLY to find out that they apparently found out what *I* was doing and now they will no longer allow blog feeds to post through facebook automatically starting on the 22nd. Bastards.
Seriously. See what seems to happen EVERY time I try to make a big change? Oh well....if anyone wants to keep up with me and my wicked awesome exciting life....you better follow me all by yourself then.
At any rate. I didn't go into groups, I didn't do messages or anything else. I fixed my issue and logged back out. Only to find Chrome saved my freakin pw. So yet another catch 22 here. For the last couple of weeks my blogs WILL feed through during my hiatus....if I change my PW so I don't know what it is, my browser automatically puts it in b/c on average I'm too lazy to keep up with PW's. If I change it again and hide it....yep, blogs won't feed through. I may have gotten it off of there, but most likely it's still there.
So now it's left up to my stellar will power. Which is pretty stellar sometimes.

I'm just finding myself getting a little socially bored. Whilst trying to force myself to have x number of things DONE prior to making any plans with friends etc.... I'm probably shooting myself in the foot now b/c I'm getting bored. Therefore, finding other avenues to waste valuable time.
So, of course I will be staying off FB as planned. It's really not that hard either, kind of like quitting smoking, reese's cups and dr. pepper. It's a lot worse in your mind than in reality. LOL
I just need to once again, reassess further.

Until then, I should probably take my kids to school.
Expect some photos later. ;)

Autumn Colours. Getcha Some!

(Yes I did spell that right actually. ;)  )

For anyone that is awed by the amazing colours around this fall, I came across this AWESOME site.
It names the best places for fall foliage and actually updates what stage the leaves are in! How freakin cool is THAT???

Autumn Updates

So if you're itching to get out and get your Autumn on....here's a killer resource. :)
It always seems to me that the leaves begin to turn and then in some cartoon move, the trees shake and they're bare the next morning. hahaha.
I was pretty excited to come across this. I think it's a stellar time to do a little Sunday driving! :) I'm a dork like that though.

Enjoy!

perfectionist

"If you don’t have time to do it right, 
when will you have time to do it over?" 
- John Wooden 

8 years ago today....

I married my best friend. I stepped onto an aisle and into a new life. 
A life like I never imagined I'd have.
I can't believe it's already been 8 years. I cannot believe where our lives have gone and what all we've done together in so little time. How much more we have to see and do together.

:0)


The weather today is exactly like it was on our wedding day too. :o) 

"Alone we can do so little;

together we can do so much." 

- Helen Keller

Food. The Bane of my Existence.

Seriously. It is.
Not for the reasons you  may think though.
This is a whiny blog. **I am frustrated. This is a vent. Carry on....** LOL
Perhaps it will come off that way, but more so, it's being written out of SHEER frustration. I am nearly in tears at the moment, for some reason. It gets to me EVERY great once in awhile but it seems it is coming more often lately. I'm sure it is due to my persistent vow to get healthy. However, very few people in this world can TRULY understand how incredibly DIFFICULT it is for someone like me to be able to maintain a healthy diet.
I swear if one person rolls their eyes and snarks anything about junk food I'll slap them here and now. I do NOT have a junk food problem actually. Thank you. I don't eat fast food at all. Less a pizza once in awhile, though I much prefer the restaurant or home made kind instead. I do fight with chocolate sometimes, but I can honestly drop it just as easily as I can pick it back up. I think the main reason I even have to fight with myself about it sometimes is just due to the complete and utter BOREDOM of my taste buds.

I have what you call "Oral Allergy Syndrome" which easily translates into, I can't eat any freaking thing that is very good for me, much less easy. It translates into IT FREAKING SUCKS ASS to be healthy. It means that more than anything, to calorie count...I basically have to "starve" and not eat much at all.
I have had this my entire life. I appreciate it when people attempt at helping by offering up suggestions, but in all honesty...over the past 33 years, out of hunger...I've probably already thought of it and tried it. So thanks very much but your 5 minutes of thinking on it, is not likely to help, but most likely will irritate me when I'm venting, or anywhere NEAR as frustrated as I currently am.

I'm attempting allergy shots, but the allergy clinic on base is just about useless. So with my current level of frustration I'm beyond irritated with them as well. The chances of this helping at all is about 5% out of none. So I doubt my record of always being the 1 in 5 billion person in the world of statistics will ever actually fall in my favor. I think that only works against me. So I'm not really all that optimistic about it, even IF we ever get this shit underway. Which I'm now not holding my breath for either.

So to top it off, with ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the stuff I already cannot eat. We'll add in my reflux/ulcer issues. Yeah. Those don't help either. I know a lot of people come up with some stupid ass excuses, but quite frankly...it is yet another reason I want to slap people when they look at me all stupid when they offer up a helpful suggestion and I give a reason why it will not work.
Case in point....I have a glass of milk every morning. I do not drink water first thing in the morning. Never ever have water on an empty stomach. WHY?? Well...it actually feels like I've had a big glass of battery acid about 45 seconds after I chug a big sip. That is why. WHAT? That's insane. So says you. Please, step into my body for 30 minutes, then you will see. Trust me. Even milk, if not very quickly followed by food, will cause nausea. Juice? Oh please don't even go there. PLEASE. That is battery acid with a side of gasoline and rubbing alcohol at least.
That's just trying to get me through breakfast. I've only been up for half an hour. Now let's make it through the rest of the day..... every. single. day.

Basically, I could probably stick to a diet of water and bread and still go over my calories, have some sort of stupid reaction to it and then die of taste bud boredom anyway. I get SO angry when I see so many people "trying to get fit", so they say, and they just pass by all the stuff I'd love to get to eat. Hardly any calories, LOADS of vitamins and minerals and whatever other bits of natural goodness I don't even know about, and they don't have anything to eat. Though, I don't know, it just comes from my judgement as I look at them and read the info on these foods and how much I could eat every day if only I could have an apple. Though, I am not them...so far be it from me to say for sure. I am still envious and irritated.

You know I always want to throw out a big old "eff you' some days. Today would be a prime time for that.
I can cut out EVERYTHING nearly, still have to eat next to nothing and cap out on my daily caloric intake and then half the population could go off and eat a freaking apple and just don't? OMG do you have any idea how GOOD those are? I've tasted one a few times, paid for it dearly but wow how YUMMY are they? Healthy! OMG!

I started worrying a great deal about what all I don't get health-wise by not being able to eat these things over the past few years. Of course I can take vitamins to try to make up for it, but..... yes, you guessed it. My stomach bites back. Seems where I don't have an allergy to it, then my stomach hates it and then just beyond that.... I just damn well don't like the other stuff. I try to force it down but it will come back.

So...I started drinking a v8 daily. It was nearly impossible at first to have one daily. I'd have too strong of a reaction to it, but I've worked up to it. Some days I react to it anyway, so I  know I've not actually accomplished much, I think there are just other factors at work that either do or do not contribute. Either way... it kills my stomach and some days causes my face, lips, eyes to swell and some hives. Today.... I've got all of the above. Puffy swollen face, huge lips (damn if some ppl don't pay big money for that), red splotches on my face and a few hives down my neck. All for the sake of trying to gain just a bit of healthy stuff.
I have just been getting more frustrated than EVER really, the last few days. I am so SICK of it all. It is so completely and totally unfair. Yes I said it. I will slap myself later. God forbid I be unable to eat the food I am actually lucky enough to have. What a load of crap eh? I am blessed enough to HAVE the food, but cannot eat it. Ironic now isn't it? I WANT the simple, cheap and natural vs. the sugared, chemically laced, hormone injected, fat harboring God only knows what other crap is in it stuff.
I want an apple. I would relish in getting to eat a banana. Sliced up cucumber.

If you wonder...imagine it like this:
I cannot eat raw nuts, raw vegetables, raw fruits, eggs, fish, or olives. I cannot stomach the after taste of yogurt, no matter how hard I've tried to deal with it. When I say raw, I mean if it is to be tolerated by me, it has to be thoroughly cooked, and that is only for some things. I often still react to foods even if they are cooked. I cannot go to person's home and just eat away at everything. I often either have to pass completely, pick through things, have a piece of bread or ask incessantly "what's in this? what's in that?' which I just don't really do anymore b/c I find it rude and it usually leads to the most annoying of conversations with random tips I've likely never thought of.
Oh but anyway...the raw thing. I can eat things if they are cooked? Yes.....and then sometimes no. As mentioned thoroughly cooked, a lot of foods can be tolerated. Though a large portion of those things, I gag on the texture. I've even asked to be hypnotized to see if that would work, to get me passed my issue with textures. No one will do it apparently, but yes I'm actually THAT desperate. Which says a LOT coming from a control freak such as myself.
So.....basically food is, indeed, the bane of my freaking existence.
I can't imagine others having to think SO much about their freaking FOOD. How easy it must be to go through life and just eat whatever. Willy Nilly....with out a care in the world.

So. In closing of my frustrated, whiny, random post today.... food sucks. It sucks, to me, to even complain about it b/c as I said I'm lucky to have that problem rather than nothing to eat. It's just another one of life's ironies I guess. I've been damn hungry before, and now I can put food on the table I just can't eat half of it.
Why can't I be allergic to cookies and chocolate and stuff like that?

Now...I leave you with this:
If you can't eat fruits, nuts, vegetables, eggs, fish and olivey products. No fast fried foods. No cakes and cookies, chips or candy. No spicy foods. Water in moderation. No juices. Milk in the proper conditions.
What does that leave you with?

Roll your eyes. Then try it for a week or two....

I *KNOW* I'm weird....

...but I LOVE this kind of forecast! LOL.

For some reason, weather like this morning (which was low 50's and heavy mist) I can't stand to stay indoors! It is my FAVORITE weather to go out and work out in.
Hey it's like a free a/c with mister chasing me around. So I don't have to continue my search for minions to spritz and fan me while I work out, as I have searched for these past few years.


Trying to soak up all I can...b/c we KNOW there's no forecast like THIS in Texas! ;)

Strolling through Cambridge

I'd call it a series if I felt like pressuring myself into HAVING to do it. However, that generally makes me NOT do something. Therefore, something you may or may not see a bit more often from me..... "From the Hip" shots. Quite literally, shots taken from the hip. Generally, shot while walking, but overall just a snap or two or twenty of the way the world looks as I walk through it.
Random places, random things that catch my eye. Sometimes, I might focus it in, but not always...
I've got a lot of them really. Random things I've photographed while living here in England, shots I took 'for' someone else. With someone else in mind, something someone else, somewhere else may have taken interest in, or found funny....or purely because I just felt compelled to shoot it that day.
I do try to take a day here and there to have nothing in particular to do but take my camera along and shoot at will.
Today...I'm sharing Cambridge on a rainy fall morning. :o) Shot last week in the city centre.

Enjoy...


I wonder stupid things when I walk around. Like...I wonder how many times someone was walking down this very path over the past few centuries and thought up something amazing? Maybe a historically famous play was thought up right on this path? Perhaps a vaccine that is normal and everyday to us now? Who knows....but I'm goofy enough to wonder stuff like that when I'm walking around. ;) I guess one of the smartest cities in the world doesn't really seep into the pores of everyone. ;) Hey I try though. ;)

 It is always amazing to me, the amazing artwork on buildings here, that no one likely really ever notices due to the regularity of it. Like this...I wish there was a story on a plaque next to it so I could know what it was about. :)

 So I can't go one post w/out at least ONE black and white....

 Tiny little wall graffiti :)

 I just wonder if Gap would sell me those. What I wouldn't give..... hehehehehehe

 I just wouldn't be able to get past the name

 I might need to go buy that. *LOVE* it. Dig the refection as well :)

 In all that dreary. In all that white...there is still a rainbow ;)

Nasty? I think not!

Some may think it's insane to have photos of mud-crusted fingers and bugs. Me, I think it's pretty much the norm around here. The boys were playing in the dirt, as they should, and were ecstatic to find a "calla-petter". That is, they were ecstatic once I confirmed it was not, in fact, poisonous.
No, I can't bring myself to correct one of the last few mispronunciations of theirs. Go figure, I spoke to my babies like babies and not 30 year olds and they still drop all their kid-speak way too soon if you ask me.
What a terrible Mommy I am for letting them go around saying things like "callapetter" and "fisk-it" and "bonina".
*sigh*
Callapetter is about all I have left, the last remnant beyond some loose teeth and awkward growth spurts.

(Says the Mom who threw out bottles at 10 months old and had a party about it! hehe)

I was definitely meant to have little boys. There is never any question about that. :) I can't wait to have our OWN dirt to dig up to their hearts content. Gardens to plant, trees to grow, tree-houses to build. Our very own dirt track for hot wheels that can stay there for years.
*sigh*
We are all ready for that.

That said...it is official. Mike's retirement has been approved and we are done. Done with the military. Done with living overseas (most likely, at least for now anyway). Done. We will be heading back to the states early in the spring. To Texas? Can't really say for sure. No matter where it is, we'll be a lot closer so we can't complain about that now can we? So long as we can get there in a car or take advantage of some of those cheap state to state flights....I think we have nothing to complain about. ;)
Am I happy? Yes and no. I won't even sugar coat it.  ;)
I am happy to be nearer our family. I am happy to get some completely self-indulgent conveniences back. I'm happy about the opportunity to take my boys to do some things we always talked about. I'm happy at the idea of getting to buy our own home, to make it OURS. I am definitely happy to get OUT of this limbo HELL we are currently in. Hi, I am Miss All or Nothing, remember?
I am, however, VERY sad to leave England. I am the freak that LOVES the weather here. I love the area, the people, the history, the beauty. I'm still in awe of this weird early dark stuff even, still fascinated by it when I think I'm supposed to HATE it already? I am sad that we were just not in the position to get to visit all the grand places we'd imagined upon arriving here. I am sad that the likelihood of those trips are again further away than closer. I am sad to leave the great friends we've made here. Mostly, it is all the things I did not get to see yet, there are just too many things to see and do here. It is somewhat overwhelming really, sometimes we end up doing stuff we've done previously just because we could not decide what new to do.
I might mention one more time...I'm SAD to leave this climate.
I found it humorous that when we walked out of the airport in Abilene, I had do some short breaths just to get used to the dust in the air. I could smell it everywhere, which was unexpected. It felt so heavy and dirty! Mike kept giving me goofy looks the whole time we were there and I mentioned it repeatedly. I was just shocked by it, I guess.
So when we landed back here at Heathrow, walked out of the airport in the middle of London. Where there are buses, taxis, airplanes and cars out the wazoo.... we all collectively, w/out thinking, sucked in a HUGE breath and sighed really big.
Even in the midst of smog and city filth...we still involuntarily took a huge breath as though we had not had one in a month. Funny indeed. :)

*tap*tap*tap...is this thing on??

enough!!!

This may come off as unprofessional, perhaps rude...frankly I don't care because I find the reason behind me posting this exceptionally unprofessional and RUDE. To any other photographers who e-mail me requesting my prices under the guise of a potential client...if you want to know, just man up and ask. Someday, if you ever make it far enough in business that is, you will realize what a HUGE time suck that is, and how incredibly rude and unprofessional it is. As a professional courtesy, I personally, always identify myself for what I am and what I am seeking...actual PORTRAITS. Not trying to sneak by and steal info from people who have put in the time to actually do the WORK.
So here's a big tip for ALL of you who have inevitably wasted my time and the time of MANY of my friends:
You'd be surprised what people will share with you, be willing to do for you, help you with etc... if you just come out and ask. However, this practice of childish behaviour seems to be getting out of hand. We're (other professionals who have put the TIME into their business and education) all REALLY sick of it. Sorry we're busy trying to cater to REAL clients. Learn THAT.

I OB-ject!!!

Yep! Look at me go! Three whole days!!! Today was a tough one too. I will not deny it.
Today's theme is "Me in an Object" which probably could have been easy had I not already sort of done that on day one.
It's alright though. Gotta beat the rust off the wheels here and get the brain crankin' right?

So obviously...the easiest answer possible here would have undeniably been my camera. Of course! However, that's an easy answer, not very deep b/c that is me deep within and right out on the outside. It's all over me. Who couldn't peg that one? I can't stop being the camera for heaven's sakes!!! I try to imagine it, and cannot. It's kind of sick truthfully!

Anyway...on with the program here. I actually do have work to do and with my limited time lately...I should take advantage!

Me in an Object...

 

Pencils. 

Ooooh how many people said "WHA???". Yep. I think this challenge is even a bit MORE difficult being overseas and so far away from things that I could pick up from my past etc... It's good though.  

When looking beyond my camera, I had to think about what really would be left for me, if...I don't know my eyes fell out of my head or something strange like that. Pencils. I have, indeed, always always always taken photographs. Yeah, yeah lots of people SAY that in their "About Me" section on their websites, but I really DID annoy people and pets for years on end. So the thought of me without that is a bit foreign. The other thing I always did was draw, write, sketch, scribble and doodle. I still do. I own so many sketch books it's sort of sick. They are not full really and there is nothing spectacular in any of them. It's simply so I always have one readily available and so that they feel fresh. Nothing worse than an old stale sketchbook! ;) 

Getting to the deep part though, writing or drawing was, for many years, my ONLY escape. I could not stand up and leave. I could not say what I felt. I could do do what I wanted, or what felt right to me. I was a prisoner in my own life. Though on many occasions my drawings and writing came back to bite me in the ass, it was always still worth it. It was my ONLY way to free my mind. I can't imagine how crazy I might have otherwise gone without at LEAST having this one outlet. Going through abuse is tough enough, being unable to use your voice, whatever it may be, to let out some of your frustration and pain is the cruelest of all. 

It was my way of trying to work things out. I still have my diary that I started when I was 9 years old. I wrote in it as if I were writing a letter to a friend. Though that privacy was invaded and used against me on numerous occasions, I still kept at it. It was that important to me. It was all I had. Still to this day, doodling calms me. I write things, I doodle things, I get insanely frustrated when I cannot put something out on the paper as I see it in my head. All of that, still very much the same. Though these days, I do tend to do the majority of my actual writing on a keyboard. ;) I am never able to convey my truest feelings to people in person but when I am so overwhelmed and unable to truly get things out, my first stop is my pencils or my keyboard. I must write, draw, scribble and sketch.

Under the Influence

So today is, of course, Day two of the challenge. Today's theme is "I an influenced by..."

Well, you know the obvious and most immediate choice most will make is...their kids. Of course. While they are OBVIOUSLY a huge influence on my life... DUH. This is supposed to be about ME. They are them and well frankly they are HERE because of me right? So toughening up and walking past the Mommy Guilt that is tapping its foot at me for not tripping over it... here I go.
Now this one really did take a lot more thought than  yesterdays. This is forever a hard question and is kind of the same to me as when people ask what/who inspires me. I always get this stupid look like, "Um...can we not be more original here? Seriously?". It's like, "Why do you like the color blue? Because............. the sky is blue and the sky is kinda...cool."
Well, that is likely how this particular answer, dig etc.. will seem I am sure.

It took a lot of thinking because, I did what I say not to do. I tried to go beyond my immediate first thought. I try to stick with that, because...our brain logically goes to the right answer to start with, we just try to let emotions or society or WHATEVER, direct it beyond that. But...I really don't like being so mainstream.

So... that said. This is perhaps a bit of a cheat? I don't know. I'd call it one, as for a challenge, I think it should be complete and I should have to go out and shoot the subject then write about it. However...I just can't get out there to do this particular sort of shot today. That being said, it did take me a little while to dig through my hoards of files to find an appropriate one. Hopefully that counts for something?

So...here it is.
I am influenced by...

 

People.

No really. It's really NOT that generic of an answer. This shot is a testament to that. One of my FAVORITE past times is people watching. I LOVE to go sit in the city centre and just watch people. Not in a creepy way. I honestly cannot really explain it. I sincerely enjoy studying people. Their expressions, interactions, mannerisms, reactions etc...

I wish it were not totally weird for me to take masses of photos of complete and total strangers. This sort of ties in with yesterdays post/challenge for me as well. I watch people and I always wonder where they came from. What is it like at home? Are they  happy or are they broken on the inside? Do they want to just hide in a corner somewhere? Would it make their day if someone just smiled at them for no reason? Are they on their way to tell someone they love them for the first time? Are they daydreaming about what might have been? 

I say people in general are what influence me the most because, it is people that make up the world. What more could we gain influence from? How better to learn about yourself than to watch others and wonder about them. Who knows how spot on I am or how completely and utterly wrong I am when I imagine what kind of person I am looking at. It makes me wonder...what are they thinking about when they glance at me?

Eek!!! I'm EXPOSED!!!

Well. Yeah. Hi, it's me. Sucky blogger extraordinaire. Well...I'm trying right? It's around a month since my last confession...er post.
I'm here for a reason though. See, things can sometimes get pretty mundane. Mundane is a tough place for a gal like me to be. So I try to do a challenge here and there. IF I can even remember to start it when it begins, then...I still have to do it daily. DAILY?!?! I'm lucky to successfully feed myself daily. If it were possible to procrastinate on that whole nourishing the body thing, I'd be starved already. I've even tried to do stuff once a week. Fail.

What is it with me? I think it's just got to be the rebel in my bones. It is expected of me, so therefore, I simply cannot comply. Even when I am the one that expects it. Right. Yes, I even rebel against the sensible voice in my head. (There's only one though. It's okay. I'm really not insane. I asked a doctor. That look of fear was only due to my overwhelming awesomeness, NOT their overwhelming need for me to LEAVE and never come back! Hell I scared that guy all the way off to another country on the other side of the world! Go me!). ;)

Shit. There went that ADHD again... so yeah anyway, to the point.
I said I'd do a challenge. My friend, Sasha, showed it to me awhile back. I said, "Oh!!! That's so cool! Hell yeah!!!" and then I forgot about it. Totally. Until she posted about it on facebook last night, thus reminding me again.

Then she also posted HERS and well it inspired me. This is what I'm all about. It's what I always mean to do on this here blog. It's what I mean for my life to BE about. Not only for myself, but to help show others that it's GOOD to just let your 'you-ness' hang out. Let it go! Leave that fly down and...wait, yeah don't listen to that one. Just the first one.
Thing is, we've all been through some shit. Some worse than others, and most of us regardless of what we think? Not nearly as much as a lot of folks. What is it though, that tends to make you feel the most normal. I mean really and truly. Dig deeeeeeeep down inside there, and think of some of the times that you've let out a deep breath and said, "oh thank God! I thought I was the only one!"

Quite often right? Well, obviously you said that, because someone else was brave enough to say they did, felt, thought, saw, etc... etc... something first. So...if we were to all lay down all the, well to put it bluntly as I so love to do, bullshit wouldn't we all feel pretty good? Would we all let out a sigh of relief and just freaking relax for once? Would we then begin to fill ourselves with more compassion for others than with all of our self-involved inner turmoil that no one really gives a damn about anyway? Think of all that emotional free space we'd have. It's like...a big ass garage sale! Let the hoarders team come in and clear out ALL that bullshit. Wow huh? Yeah. I thought so. As much as I love it when people are real, even when they are a bit TOO real, it is still difficult sometimes. Even for me.

Most think that I don't think before I speak but I really really do a lot. Which is frightening to some I'm sure, but ya know...the fact is, whatever I said...it was real. ;) I don't like holding stuff in. I actually LOVE letting myself go, saying what I feel, because I know what it's done for me. I know how amazing it feels to be able to FINALLY let it out. FINALLY. I know what it is like, to see that flicker of some one's eye when they decide they trust themselves enough to tell me something they were scared to say to anyone else and find it wasn't a big deal at all.
I LOVE THAT!!!!

Yet, sometimes...I find myself STILL holding back. I think sometimes, the retribution for just being myself has come at such a cost, I'm afraid to do it. That makes me angry to be honest. I held in quite enough for a lifetime and I find it unfair to still do so.
So...at the behest of this very challenge. I won't. ;) I have made mention of this very subject several times on this very blog and well... this time I damn well mean it!!! ;)

This may be a bit difficult for me, but you know what? The point of a challenge is to be challenged. They are not supposed to be easy now are they?
So...here goes nothing! ;)

This challenge is called The Expose Yourself Project and before you puke in your mouth, I PROMISE, it's not exposing any body parts. Probably... ;)

The first day (today) is "My Best Trait"
Now as vain as I am by nature, sometimes I feel quite awkward tooting my own horn. I mean for REAL. However, it cannot be helped sometimes when you're as freaking awesome as me. ;)

So for today I had to think on it actually a short time. It did not take me long at all because I like to go with my very first thought. The first visual that pops in my head. The only thing that took any time was figuring out where the hell I was going to find my subject. It's not quite what I had in mind size-wise but it is what it is and I'm just simply not in a location to run out and find big stuff.

My best trait is my resilience. I have mentioned some things on here previously. I don't want to get into details mostly because...I'm long winded enough on any given day.
I will just note that, I've been through every type of abuse there is listed in any psychology book you'll ever see. When I thought I was able to get away from that, I simply ended up putting myself in the same situation yet again.

I've often wondered what it was about me, that gave me the ability to go through it, note it, deal with it, and leave it. I don't dwell on it. I don't use it for an excuse. I am who I am. I am not angry about it. I don't cry about it. Nothing.

I don't deny it and I don't think it is okay to have happened. I will not say I am glad any of it happened to me, I will say I'm damn glad that I realized it is me.
The abuse is not me. The resiliency to bounce out of it unscathed is me. Push me down, but you better get out of my way because I'm going to pop back ten fold and who knows where I will land.

I am the person I am, because of what I've been through. I am the person that I am, because I realized I was just putting myself back where I had just come from again and again. I am the person that I am, because I did the scariest thing in my mind and walked away from all of it. I held my head high, I trudged through it and I made ME. I did not have to make millions, I did not have to be on the cover of a magazine or anything else. All I had to do to be a success was walk out of that life, keep my head up and make a new one. A new life where I am still the loving, caring and compassionate person I always was from the day I was put on this earth. It never left me and I'll be DAMNED if I ever let anyone try to take it from me again.

I keep that to pass on to my children and I hold the MANY different places I've landed near and dear. They were not all the least bit ideal, but they have to stay with me to remind me to step back and look at others. I may judge too fast sometimes, as a knee-jerk, however I can remind myself to step back and wonder where they've been and what they might have been through. I try to teach that to my children. I try to be that person that someone else may have needed to just slow down and LOOK or LISTEN.

I've lived many different lives, people I know today would be utterly SHOCKED to get a slice of some of the people I've been, some of the places I've seen. I just use that past to my advantage, to keep my compassion close and to never doubt, I know I can come back. No matter what life throws at me.

it's that day...

warning. i am about to blog about that thing that i'm sure some will say, "get over it already. geez." so i'll just put it out there before i even start. if you have a problem with my one problem i can't seem to pack away for all eternity... you know where the virtual world door is.

why the hell am i even starting this one out as a total bitch? probably b/c i'm thinking it myself. "get over it already. geez." unfortunately, it seems its just that one thing i will never get OVER. i can and have moved on. it doesn't rip my guts out every time i try to talk about it anymore. i don't sob uncontrollably or anything. i've been FINE about it for a long while now.
that said, it does not mean that i don't think about it. a LOT. it doesn't mean that i don't get some weird phantom pains in my stomach, where things ought to be, but they are not. it most definitely, does not mean...that this date does not go by unnoticed. no matter how hard i seem to try.

i am pretty certain that the WHOLE reason we got orders to england and the dates fell as they did, was simply so that i would not be able to sit around and focus on what the date would mean to me.
you're confused as hell aren't you?
i'm talking about the baby we lost. oh yeah THAT. ........ (and now the 5 people that might glance at this blog just left. it's cool though. ;) this is just therapeutic for me.) yeah believe it or not, i write stuff here for myself. i actually wish there were some way to integrate a keyboard into the shower and my steering wheel b/c that's when the best stuff comes to me. today... it was the shower.
my smiley face scars caught my attention, then the date. then my gut ripped out just a little for just a second.

today, 3 years ago we landed in england. today 3 years ago i'd have had a new baby if i had not lost it. yeah that still chokes me just a bit to put down. i can do the math. due date, to c/section date etc... it would've been the day. no doubt. just like i have no doubt, it was a girl. i'll never know though, and oddly enough i think that bugs me the most. the WHY of the entire thing obviously is the biggest thing, but to at LEAST know for certain if it was a she or a he or a them or what... ya know?
i still feel it to the depths of my soul, girl. i can "see" her. i knew it instantly when they gave me the SHOCKING news i was miraculously pregnant. no. doubt.

i really do fine though. i still don't always particularly like to hold new babies. i get a hitch EVERY TIME i am looking through a sale rack and those assholes stuff a bunch of maternity clothes in with the regular clothes. really, i actually get very angry. it's like maternity clothes are made of acid and will burn me if i touch them. haha. i seriously want to go complain to them but wouldn't want to seem like the really crazy lady. i just think if it bothers ME like that, what on earth does it do to others who've suffered much worse? 
i haven't really gone out of my way to shoot newborns or anything, though it doesn't really bother me anymore. the first one i shot after we got here, was hard. i won't deny that. i did go home and have a little cry. however, it needed to be done. it was good for me.
i like to run out in night when i'm scared of the dark you know. i took photos of a little guy a couple of weeks ago and i think it was the first time i really ENJOYED being with a little baby in a long long time.
so i saw that as a good sign. i think he reminded me a LOT of the boys when they were tiny like that too though. all expressions and far too ready to jump down and check things out to lay around and sleep all the time.
so those are good things. those are steps in the right direction. i know that i'm alright.

deep down, i know it's what was meant to happen. though i prefer to have all the answers and i think that is the ONLY reason why this one thing sticks with me how it does. i can explain away pretty much ANYTHING. and i mean anything. bad bad bad stuff people have done to me, i can reason with it. this...there just is none. however i know that me with 3 would've likely been the straw breaking the camel's back. i love my boys but two kids really does push my patience to the limit a lot of times. haha. i don't even deny that.
i try to imagine cody as a middle child and it literally makes me shudder.

however, there are those times. certain things, out of nowhere. it's a knee jerk reaction. its freaky. it's bothersome. i grab my stomach. or i feel something. not sure how to describe it really, it's just like my mind immediately goes straight to my abdomen like something ought to be there. be it the maternity clothes in the wrong place, a newborn cry, something on tv, a photo...it's not every time, it's not anytime, just sometimes. random.

what gets me the most i guess is, it is like there is something wrong with the universe. like, somehow i broke something. the way things were SUPPOSED to be and somehow me or more simply my body failed fate.
whoa. that sounds kind of heavy but...
i've never EVER said anything to the boys about this. they were too young to remember even if i had, but...again i said nothing. so they know, NOTHING about it. they will someday of course, but the way kade dwells on stuff like that, i much prefer to save it for when he's older.
that said, you have NO IDEA how many times he's cried to me telling me there's SUPPOSED to be one more. there's supposed to be him, his brother and a baby sister.
i mean, he cries. not the sleepy whiney pulling things out of thin air to cry about cry. it's happened a few times, sobbing. there are supposed to be 3 he says. why aren't there 3? i have to have another baby he says. HAVE to.
cody, out of the blue has said, "i have 2 sisters in heaven." they were named after 2 of his thomas trains. but he insisted for the longest time he had 2 sisters in heaven. now though, he tells me that he's got a sister in texas. so when we get back to texas, he'll have his sister. because it's supposed to be him, his brother and their little sister.

so, as i've said. i have not told them. i don't really talk about it in front of them either. not on purpose. it's just something i rarely talk about and certainly not to anyone when they are around. i know mike doesn't talk about it.

so tell me it wouldn't get to you. i've had to leave the room a few times when they get on it. it's nearly always just one of them when they are alone. a few times they've been together and gotten on about it. kade's gotten so upset with me though, when i try to explain that we're done having babies. we won't be having anymore babies.
that's when he sometimes turns red in the face, tears forming and even sometimes raises his voice that there are SUPPOSED to be THREE of them. it breaks my heart. i, OBVIOUSLY, don't get upset WITH them. they have no way of knowing at all. he certainly means nothing by it. though i can't help but let it get to me, it honestly takes my breath away sometimes.

then i question myself. did i do the wrong thing? should i have left everything alone and let fate take over? did i push it too far messing with mother nature? did i mess up twice over? obviously we will never know.

all i know is that around this day...we'd be having a birthday party and instead i find myself for the 3rd year in a row trying to think of pretty much everything else. however, this year, instead...i'll blog about it.

i can only hope that somehow, someday i can forgive myself for not knowing. or for doing whatever i might have done in ignorance. for not getting angry when the different dr's all started pouring out all the "it could not have been what we did." bullshit. that maybe God or Karma or Mother Nature or whatever might forgive me for messing with the natural order of things if that is what i did by tying my tubes or taking even more drastic measures after all of this took place.
overall i'm comfortable and happy with the decisions i made about my body and doing what i needed to for my health, both mental and physical. that still doesn't mean that i don't question the hell out it sometimes.

as i've said before, i'm sure things have all worked out how they were supposed to. i just can't see it yet, but someday a long time from now, it will all make sense.

but if...for some weird cosmic reason we're all standing on the eve of the apocolypse and it's b/c this child was never born. well damn it, i should've gotten a memo or something letting me know all the details first, maybe it would've made a difference to have known sooner. i don't know. maybe there would've been another one after this loss had i just left it all alone. who knows. really.... - so take it up with whoever dropped the ball on that one.

so that's all of that now. the sun is out and i do have two beautiful boys downstairs itching to go ride some bikes. i think some good hard play time will be a good thing for me today.

this concludes my crazy ass ranting for yet another year.

and i just have to say, i thank God for the beautiful faces i get to smooch on every day.

and lastly...

before cody does something drastic to get my attention...
this layout is not cutting it. and those photos look like ass on here.
ugh. Puh-lease tell me i don't have to get ALL technical to make this look right again.
dear blogger, why did ya "fix" what wasn't broken to start with?

ick. just sayin. ick.

it's a sickness...

i cannot post without photos apparently. so here.

Sunday afternoonon the River Cams Cambridge

Everybody! Grab a pint and watch all the daft fools try to drive a punt! (Or acknowledge the few brainiacs that HIRE someone to do it for us so we don't look like stupid wankers trying to play chicken with other punts).

Co and Dad on the punt

It's like a door. On the water.

River traffic jam

How British... ;)

Anything for a penny...

Just because, you've gotta have a picture of the hat.

My most favorite thing about the City Centre in Cambridge. Freedom of the Arts :) There's ALWAYS someone playing there.

Kade with his giant over priced lolly

i have no idea.