this year. or more specifically....LAST year.

this past year i did not blog the boys birthdays. i did not blog our trips. i did not blog much of anything. noticed eh?
well...while i'm not necessarily the greatest blogger as it is, there was a reason i went from kinda crappy to a screeching halt.
i've gone to write about the reasoning behind that a few times but i tend to get a bit too long winded. we can't be having that now can we? i mean, it's hard enough to rein myself in on any given day. it's idiotic for me to get started on anything that i feel too strongly about. however, that said, saying that sort of defeats the purpose of blogs in the first place right? perhaps i could train myself for broken thought processes without losing sight of the objective. doubtful, but it's an idea anyway. ;)
well, we'll just see how that goes.
who knows. i need to say what i need to say and i still often teeter on keeping this blog alive or not. whether i should just make it private? i don't know. i'm still on the fence.
instead i just stay undecided and don't share anything. which...is just unfair to myself and the world because spurting out the crap that manifests in my head is a treat for all mankind. it is. in case you thought it wasn't, i promise, it really is.
i suppose i could go back to all the drafts that never got published and see where i was going with them and if they were done or not. i suppose that is a good place to start.
new year. new....everything?

i haven't really come up with anything concrete for my 2011 lineup just yet. 2010 was for change. i meant to make a change monthly, i'll say i at least accomplished half of it. i could beat myself up but here's where therapy comes in handy sometimes. i'll just applaud myself for what i DID change and stick to instead. look at me go. rock on doc. haha
i can even do that and REALLY not just be bs'ing b/c i made some pretty big changes.
december 26th marked 1 year 100% smoke free. that's an accomplishment enough to last the whole year. forget about quitting the things i could not control in moderation. meaning smoking, dr. pepper and chocolate bars. i have had a milky way like twice, i won't even lie. but not a single solitary reese's cups. no matter how loud they screamed my name. no matter HOW tempting that reese's candy BAR was right in my face just a couple weeks ago.
i'm pretty certain that this year will mostly be work related stuff. i made changes in my health and relationships last year and i'm happy with the progress i made thus far.
so....we'll just see where it swings this year and go from there. :)

ode to whom?

So here I sit again. Ready to write. Why does it always hit me at the most unreasonable time? When I'm least able to sit down and spit it out somewhere? I certainly won't remember the exact sentiments later. I've tried. I think I will, but it just never seems as good, what I thought up, the second time I try to get it out.
My vow for the year is to put more thoughts out there. For all to see. More of me. Sometimes I feel like I walk around naked enough for everyone on earth as it is, but what may well frighten many is that I actually keep far more inside than I ever let out.
While that is fine for many, it's something that simply feels "wrong" to me. I never feel free enough, loose enough, when I have to keep too much in. I feel too heavy and weighed down. No puns on the size of my ass either, just simply an inner anchor that I must throw over the side of the ship to keep me grounded. Perhaps I feel like I get lost in all the stuff on the inside if I don't spit it out as often as possible?
It's hard to tell, but when the worry of offending people by my words and my vision of the world subsides when I've let myself purge some of these things, I feel so insanely free and grounded and 'here'. Saying I'm 'here' is pretty well impossible to explain, but those that know what I mean, just know what I mean. Of course I'm "HERE" all the time, but I have a day-dreamy mind. Perhaps it is something all creatives share. I could not for a moment try to put myself in the mind of a totally logical person that cannot ever see the possibility of the impossible. Mathematically speaking, I couldn't figure up anything to know what may or may not be possible. That said, my brain is actually right down the center line. I'm not 100% one thing or the other. Even to the shock and surprise of professionals I've got the equal amount of artistic thought as I do logical, though not enough patience to work through either one as far as I should.
Call me Miss Middle of the Road.