warning. i am about to blog about that thing that i'm sure some will say, "get over it already. geez." so i'll just put it out there before i even start. if you have a problem with my one problem i can't seem to pack away for all eternity... you know where the virtual world door is.
why the hell am i even starting this one out as a total bitch? probably b/c i'm thinking it myself. "get over it already. geez." unfortunately, it seems its just that one thing i will never get OVER. i can and have moved on. it doesn't rip my guts out every time i try to talk about it anymore. i don't sob uncontrollably or anything. i've been FINE about it for a long while now.
that said, it does not mean that i don't think about it. a LOT. it doesn't mean that i don't get some weird phantom pains in my stomach, where things ought to be, but they are not. it most definitely, does not mean...that this date does not go by unnoticed. no matter how hard i seem to try.
i am pretty certain that the WHOLE reason we got orders to england and the dates fell as they did, was simply so that i would not be able to sit around and focus on what the date would mean to me.
you're confused as hell aren't you?
i'm talking about the baby we lost. oh yeah THAT. ........ (and now the 5 people that might glance at this blog just left. it's cool though. ;) this is just therapeutic for me.) yeah believe it or not, i write stuff here for myself. i actually wish there were some way to integrate a keyboard into the shower and my steering wheel b/c that's when the best stuff comes to me. today... it was the shower.
my smiley face scars caught my attention, then the date. then my gut ripped out just a little for just a second.
today, 3 years ago we landed in england. today 3 years ago i'd have had a new baby if i had not lost it. yeah that still chokes me just a bit to put down. i can do the math. due date, to c/section date etc... it would've been the day. no doubt. just like i have no doubt, it was a girl. i'll never know though, and oddly enough i think that bugs me the most. the WHY of the entire thing obviously is the biggest thing, but to at LEAST know for certain if it was a she or a he or a them or what... ya know?
i still feel it to the depths of my soul, girl. i can "see" her. i knew it instantly when they gave me the SHOCKING news i was miraculously pregnant. no. doubt.
i really do fine though. i still don't always particularly like to hold new babies. i get a hitch EVERY TIME i am looking through a sale rack and those assholes stuff a bunch of maternity clothes in with the regular clothes. really, i actually get very angry. it's like maternity clothes are made of acid and will burn me if i touch them. haha. i seriously want to go complain to them but wouldn't want to seem like the really crazy lady. i just think if it bothers ME like that, what on earth does it do to others who've suffered much worse?
i haven't really gone out of my way to shoot newborns or anything, though it doesn't really bother me anymore. the first one i shot after we got here, was hard. i won't deny that. i did go home and have a little cry. however, it needed to be done. it was good for me.
i like to run out in night when i'm scared of the dark you know. i took photos of a little guy a couple of weeks ago and i think it was the first time i really ENJOYED being with a little baby in a long long time.
so i saw that as a good sign. i think he reminded me a LOT of the boys when they were tiny like that too though. all expressions and far too ready to jump down and check things out to lay around and sleep all the time.
so those are good things. those are steps in the right direction. i know that i'm alright.
deep down, i know it's what was meant to happen. though i prefer to have all the answers and i think that is the ONLY reason why this one thing sticks with me how it does. i can explain away pretty much ANYTHING. and i mean anything. bad bad bad stuff people have done to me, i can reason with it. this...there just is none. however i know that me with 3 would've likely been the straw breaking the camel's back. i love my boys but two kids really does push my patience to the limit a lot of times. haha. i don't even deny that.
i try to imagine cody as a middle child and it literally makes me shudder.
however, there are those times. certain things, out of nowhere. it's a knee jerk reaction. its freaky. it's bothersome. i grab my stomach. or i feel something. not sure how to describe it really, it's just like my mind immediately goes straight to my abdomen like something ought to be there. be it the maternity clothes in the wrong place, a newborn cry, something on tv, a photo...it's not every time, it's not anytime, just sometimes. random.
what gets me the most i guess is, it is like there is something wrong with the universe. like, somehow i broke something. the way things were SUPPOSED to be and somehow me or more simply my body failed fate.
whoa. that sounds kind of heavy but...
i've never EVER said anything to the boys about this. they were too young to remember even if i had, but...again i said nothing. so they know, NOTHING about it. they will someday of course, but the way kade dwells on stuff like that, i much prefer to save it for when he's older.
that said, you have NO IDEA how many times he's cried to me telling me there's SUPPOSED to be one more. there's supposed to be him, his brother and a baby sister.
i mean, he cries. not the sleepy whiney pulling things out of thin air to cry about cry. it's happened a few times, sobbing. there are supposed to be 3 he says. why aren't there 3? i have to have another baby he says. HAVE to.
cody, out of the blue has said, "i have 2 sisters in heaven." they were named after 2 of his thomas trains. but he insisted for the longest time he had 2 sisters in heaven. now though, he tells me that he's got a sister in texas. so when we get back to texas, he'll have his sister. because it's supposed to be him, his brother and their little sister.
so, as i've said. i have not told them. i don't really talk about it in front of them either. not on purpose. it's just something i rarely talk about and certainly not to anyone when they are around. i know mike doesn't talk about it.
so tell me it wouldn't get to you. i've had to leave the room a few times when they get on it. it's nearly always just one of them when they are alone. a few times they've been together and gotten on about it. kade's gotten so upset with me though, when i try to explain that we're done having babies. we won't be having anymore babies.
that's when he sometimes turns red in the face, tears forming and even sometimes raises his voice that there are SUPPOSED to be THREE of them. it breaks my heart. i, OBVIOUSLY, don't get upset WITH them. they have no way of knowing at all. he certainly means nothing by it. though i can't help but let it get to me, it honestly takes my breath away sometimes.
then i question myself. did i do the wrong thing? should i have left everything alone and let fate take over? did i push it too far messing with mother nature? did i mess up twice over? obviously we will never know.
all i know is that around this day...we'd be having a birthday party and instead i find myself for the 3rd year in a row trying to think of pretty much everything else. however, this year, instead...i'll blog about it.
i can only hope that somehow, someday i can forgive myself for not knowing. or for doing whatever i might have done in ignorance. for not getting angry when the different dr's all started pouring out all the "it could not have been what we did." bullshit. that maybe God or Karma or Mother Nature or whatever might forgive me for messing with the natural order of things if that is what i did by tying my tubes or taking even more drastic measures after all of this took place.
overall i'm comfortable and happy with the decisions i made about my body and doing what i needed to for my health, both mental and physical. that still doesn't mean that i don't question the hell out it sometimes.
as i've said before, i'm sure things have all worked out how they were supposed to. i just can't see it yet, but someday a long time from now, it will all make sense.
but if...for some weird cosmic reason we're all standing on the eve of the apocolypse and it's b/c this child was never born. well damn it, i should've gotten a memo or something letting me know all the details first, maybe it would've made a difference to have known sooner. i don't know. maybe there would've been another one after this loss had i just left it all alone. who knows. really.... - so take it up with whoever dropped the ball on that one.
so that's all of that now. the sun is out and i do have two beautiful boys downstairs itching to go ride some bikes. i think some good hard play time will be a good thing for me today.
this concludes my crazy ass ranting for yet another year.
and i just have to say, i thank God for the beautiful faces i get to smooch on every day.
why the hell am i even starting this one out as a total bitch? probably b/c i'm thinking it myself. "get over it already. geez." unfortunately, it seems its just that one thing i will never get OVER. i can and have moved on. it doesn't rip my guts out every time i try to talk about it anymore. i don't sob uncontrollably or anything. i've been FINE about it for a long while now.
that said, it does not mean that i don't think about it. a LOT. it doesn't mean that i don't get some weird phantom pains in my stomach, where things ought to be, but they are not. it most definitely, does not mean...that this date does not go by unnoticed. no matter how hard i seem to try.
i am pretty certain that the WHOLE reason we got orders to england and the dates fell as they did, was simply so that i would not be able to sit around and focus on what the date would mean to me.
you're confused as hell aren't you?
i'm talking about the baby we lost. oh yeah THAT. ........ (and now the 5 people that might glance at this blog just left. it's cool though. ;) this is just therapeutic for me.) yeah believe it or not, i write stuff here for myself. i actually wish there were some way to integrate a keyboard into the shower and my steering wheel b/c that's when the best stuff comes to me. today... it was the shower.
my smiley face scars caught my attention, then the date. then my gut ripped out just a little for just a second.
today, 3 years ago we landed in england. today 3 years ago i'd have had a new baby if i had not lost it. yeah that still chokes me just a bit to put down. i can do the math. due date, to c/section date etc... it would've been the day. no doubt. just like i have no doubt, it was a girl. i'll never know though, and oddly enough i think that bugs me the most. the WHY of the entire thing obviously is the biggest thing, but to at LEAST know for certain if it was a she or a he or a them or what... ya know?
i still feel it to the depths of my soul, girl. i can "see" her. i knew it instantly when they gave me the SHOCKING news i was miraculously pregnant. no. doubt.
i really do fine though. i still don't always particularly like to hold new babies. i get a hitch EVERY TIME i am looking through a sale rack and those assholes stuff a bunch of maternity clothes in with the regular clothes. really, i actually get very angry. it's like maternity clothes are made of acid and will burn me if i touch them. haha. i seriously want to go complain to them but wouldn't want to seem like the really crazy lady. i just think if it bothers ME like that, what on earth does it do to others who've suffered much worse?
i haven't really gone out of my way to shoot newborns or anything, though it doesn't really bother me anymore. the first one i shot after we got here, was hard. i won't deny that. i did go home and have a little cry. however, it needed to be done. it was good for me.
i like to run out in night when i'm scared of the dark you know. i took photos of a little guy a couple of weeks ago and i think it was the first time i really ENJOYED being with a little baby in a long long time.
so i saw that as a good sign. i think he reminded me a LOT of the boys when they were tiny like that too though. all expressions and far too ready to jump down and check things out to lay around and sleep all the time.
so those are good things. those are steps in the right direction. i know that i'm alright.
deep down, i know it's what was meant to happen. though i prefer to have all the answers and i think that is the ONLY reason why this one thing sticks with me how it does. i can explain away pretty much ANYTHING. and i mean anything. bad bad bad stuff people have done to me, i can reason with it. this...there just is none. however i know that me with 3 would've likely been the straw breaking the camel's back. i love my boys but two kids really does push my patience to the limit a lot of times. haha. i don't even deny that.
i try to imagine cody as a middle child and it literally makes me shudder.
however, there are those times. certain things, out of nowhere. it's a knee jerk reaction. its freaky. it's bothersome. i grab my stomach. or i feel something. not sure how to describe it really, it's just like my mind immediately goes straight to my abdomen like something ought to be there. be it the maternity clothes in the wrong place, a newborn cry, something on tv, a photo...it's not every time, it's not anytime, just sometimes. random.
what gets me the most i guess is, it is like there is something wrong with the universe. like, somehow i broke something. the way things were SUPPOSED to be and somehow me or more simply my body failed fate.
whoa. that sounds kind of heavy but...
i've never EVER said anything to the boys about this. they were too young to remember even if i had, but...again i said nothing. so they know, NOTHING about it. they will someday of course, but the way kade dwells on stuff like that, i much prefer to save it for when he's older.
that said, you have NO IDEA how many times he's cried to me telling me there's SUPPOSED to be one more. there's supposed to be him, his brother and a baby sister.
i mean, he cries. not the sleepy whiney pulling things out of thin air to cry about cry. it's happened a few times, sobbing. there are supposed to be 3 he says. why aren't there 3? i have to have another baby he says. HAVE to.
cody, out of the blue has said, "i have 2 sisters in heaven." they were named after 2 of his thomas trains. but he insisted for the longest time he had 2 sisters in heaven. now though, he tells me that he's got a sister in texas. so when we get back to texas, he'll have his sister. because it's supposed to be him, his brother and their little sister.
so, as i've said. i have not told them. i don't really talk about it in front of them either. not on purpose. it's just something i rarely talk about and certainly not to anyone when they are around. i know mike doesn't talk about it.
so tell me it wouldn't get to you. i've had to leave the room a few times when they get on it. it's nearly always just one of them when they are alone. a few times they've been together and gotten on about it. kade's gotten so upset with me though, when i try to explain that we're done having babies. we won't be having anymore babies.
that's when he sometimes turns red in the face, tears forming and even sometimes raises his voice that there are SUPPOSED to be THREE of them. it breaks my heart. i, OBVIOUSLY, don't get upset WITH them. they have no way of knowing at all. he certainly means nothing by it. though i can't help but let it get to me, it honestly takes my breath away sometimes.
then i question myself. did i do the wrong thing? should i have left everything alone and let fate take over? did i push it too far messing with mother nature? did i mess up twice over? obviously we will never know.
all i know is that around this day...we'd be having a birthday party and instead i find myself for the 3rd year in a row trying to think of pretty much everything else. however, this year, instead...i'll blog about it.
i can only hope that somehow, someday i can forgive myself for not knowing. or for doing whatever i might have done in ignorance. for not getting angry when the different dr's all started pouring out all the "it could not have been what we did." bullshit. that maybe God or Karma or Mother Nature or whatever might forgive me for messing with the natural order of things if that is what i did by tying my tubes or taking even more drastic measures after all of this took place.
overall i'm comfortable and happy with the decisions i made about my body and doing what i needed to for my health, both mental and physical. that still doesn't mean that i don't question the hell out it sometimes.
as i've said before, i'm sure things have all worked out how they were supposed to. i just can't see it yet, but someday a long time from now, it will all make sense.
but if...for some weird cosmic reason we're all standing on the eve of the apocolypse and it's b/c this child was never born. well damn it, i should've gotten a memo or something letting me know all the details first, maybe it would've made a difference to have known sooner. i don't know. maybe there would've been another one after this loss had i just left it all alone. who knows. really.... - so take it up with whoever dropped the ball on that one.
so that's all of that now. the sun is out and i do have two beautiful boys downstairs itching to go ride some bikes. i think some good hard play time will be a good thing for me today.
this concludes my crazy ass ranting for yet another year.
and i just have to say, i thank God for the beautiful faces i get to smooch on every day.
