I OB-ject!!!

Yep! Look at me go! Three whole days!!! Today was a tough one too. I will not deny it.
Today's theme is "Me in an Object" which probably could have been easy had I not already sort of done that on day one.
It's alright though. Gotta beat the rust off the wheels here and get the brain crankin' right?

So obviously...the easiest answer possible here would have undeniably been my camera. Of course! However, that's an easy answer, not very deep b/c that is me deep within and right out on the outside. It's all over me. Who couldn't peg that one? I can't stop being the camera for heaven's sakes!!! I try to imagine it, and cannot. It's kind of sick truthfully!

Anyway...on with the program here. I actually do have work to do and with my limited time lately...I should take advantage!

Me in an Object...

 

Pencils. 

Ooooh how many people said "WHA???". Yep. I think this challenge is even a bit MORE difficult being overseas and so far away from things that I could pick up from my past etc... It's good though.  

When looking beyond my camera, I had to think about what really would be left for me, if...I don't know my eyes fell out of my head or something strange like that. Pencils. I have, indeed, always always always taken photographs. Yeah, yeah lots of people SAY that in their "About Me" section on their websites, but I really DID annoy people and pets for years on end. So the thought of me without that is a bit foreign. The other thing I always did was draw, write, sketch, scribble and doodle. I still do. I own so many sketch books it's sort of sick. They are not full really and there is nothing spectacular in any of them. It's simply so I always have one readily available and so that they feel fresh. Nothing worse than an old stale sketchbook! ;) 

Getting to the deep part though, writing or drawing was, for many years, my ONLY escape. I could not stand up and leave. I could not say what I felt. I could do do what I wanted, or what felt right to me. I was a prisoner in my own life. Though on many occasions my drawings and writing came back to bite me in the ass, it was always still worth it. It was my ONLY way to free my mind. I can't imagine how crazy I might have otherwise gone without at LEAST having this one outlet. Going through abuse is tough enough, being unable to use your voice, whatever it may be, to let out some of your frustration and pain is the cruelest of all. 

It was my way of trying to work things out. I still have my diary that I started when I was 9 years old. I wrote in it as if I were writing a letter to a friend. Though that privacy was invaded and used against me on numerous occasions, I still kept at it. It was that important to me. It was all I had. Still to this day, doodling calms me. I write things, I doodle things, I get insanely frustrated when I cannot put something out on the paper as I see it in my head. All of that, still very much the same. Though these days, I do tend to do the majority of my actual writing on a keyboard. ;) I am never able to convey my truest feelings to people in person but when I am so overwhelmed and unable to truly get things out, my first stop is my pencils or my keyboard. I must write, draw, scribble and sketch.

Under the Influence

So today is, of course, Day two of the challenge. Today's theme is "I an influenced by..."

Well, you know the obvious and most immediate choice most will make is...their kids. Of course. While they are OBVIOUSLY a huge influence on my life... DUH. This is supposed to be about ME. They are them and well frankly they are HERE because of me right? So toughening up and walking past the Mommy Guilt that is tapping its foot at me for not tripping over it... here I go.
Now this one really did take a lot more thought than  yesterdays. This is forever a hard question and is kind of the same to me as when people ask what/who inspires me. I always get this stupid look like, "Um...can we not be more original here? Seriously?". It's like, "Why do you like the color blue? Because............. the sky is blue and the sky is kinda...cool."
Well, that is likely how this particular answer, dig etc.. will seem I am sure.

It took a lot of thinking because, I did what I say not to do. I tried to go beyond my immediate first thought. I try to stick with that, because...our brain logically goes to the right answer to start with, we just try to let emotions or society or WHATEVER, direct it beyond that. But...I really don't like being so mainstream.

So... that said. This is perhaps a bit of a cheat? I don't know. I'd call it one, as for a challenge, I think it should be complete and I should have to go out and shoot the subject then write about it. However...I just can't get out there to do this particular sort of shot today. That being said, it did take me a little while to dig through my hoards of files to find an appropriate one. Hopefully that counts for something?

So...here it is.
I am influenced by...

 

People.

No really. It's really NOT that generic of an answer. This shot is a testament to that. One of my FAVORITE past times is people watching. I LOVE to go sit in the city centre and just watch people. Not in a creepy way. I honestly cannot really explain it. I sincerely enjoy studying people. Their expressions, interactions, mannerisms, reactions etc...

I wish it were not totally weird for me to take masses of photos of complete and total strangers. This sort of ties in with yesterdays post/challenge for me as well. I watch people and I always wonder where they came from. What is it like at home? Are they  happy or are they broken on the inside? Do they want to just hide in a corner somewhere? Would it make their day if someone just smiled at them for no reason? Are they on their way to tell someone they love them for the first time? Are they daydreaming about what might have been? 

I say people in general are what influence me the most because, it is people that make up the world. What more could we gain influence from? How better to learn about yourself than to watch others and wonder about them. Who knows how spot on I am or how completely and utterly wrong I am when I imagine what kind of person I am looking at. It makes me wonder...what are they thinking about when they glance at me?

Eek!!! I'm EXPOSED!!!

Well. Yeah. Hi, it's me. Sucky blogger extraordinaire. Well...I'm trying right? It's around a month since my last confession...er post.
I'm here for a reason though. See, things can sometimes get pretty mundane. Mundane is a tough place for a gal like me to be. So I try to do a challenge here and there. IF I can even remember to start it when it begins, then...I still have to do it daily. DAILY?!?! I'm lucky to successfully feed myself daily. If it were possible to procrastinate on that whole nourishing the body thing, I'd be starved already. I've even tried to do stuff once a week. Fail.

What is it with me? I think it's just got to be the rebel in my bones. It is expected of me, so therefore, I simply cannot comply. Even when I am the one that expects it. Right. Yes, I even rebel against the sensible voice in my head. (There's only one though. It's okay. I'm really not insane. I asked a doctor. That look of fear was only due to my overwhelming awesomeness, NOT their overwhelming need for me to LEAVE and never come back! Hell I scared that guy all the way off to another country on the other side of the world! Go me!). ;)

Shit. There went that ADHD again... so yeah anyway, to the point.
I said I'd do a challenge. My friend, Sasha, showed it to me awhile back. I said, "Oh!!! That's so cool! Hell yeah!!!" and then I forgot about it. Totally. Until she posted about it on facebook last night, thus reminding me again.

Then she also posted HERS and well it inspired me. This is what I'm all about. It's what I always mean to do on this here blog. It's what I mean for my life to BE about. Not only for myself, but to help show others that it's GOOD to just let your 'you-ness' hang out. Let it go! Leave that fly down and...wait, yeah don't listen to that one. Just the first one.
Thing is, we've all been through some shit. Some worse than others, and most of us regardless of what we think? Not nearly as much as a lot of folks. What is it though, that tends to make you feel the most normal. I mean really and truly. Dig deeeeeeeep down inside there, and think of some of the times that you've let out a deep breath and said, "oh thank God! I thought I was the only one!"

Quite often right? Well, obviously you said that, because someone else was brave enough to say they did, felt, thought, saw, etc... etc... something first. So...if we were to all lay down all the, well to put it bluntly as I so love to do, bullshit wouldn't we all feel pretty good? Would we all let out a sigh of relief and just freaking relax for once? Would we then begin to fill ourselves with more compassion for others than with all of our self-involved inner turmoil that no one really gives a damn about anyway? Think of all that emotional free space we'd have. It's like...a big ass garage sale! Let the hoarders team come in and clear out ALL that bullshit. Wow huh? Yeah. I thought so. As much as I love it when people are real, even when they are a bit TOO real, it is still difficult sometimes. Even for me.

Most think that I don't think before I speak but I really really do a lot. Which is frightening to some I'm sure, but ya know...the fact is, whatever I said...it was real. ;) I don't like holding stuff in. I actually LOVE letting myself go, saying what I feel, because I know what it's done for me. I know how amazing it feels to be able to FINALLY let it out. FINALLY. I know what it is like, to see that flicker of some one's eye when they decide they trust themselves enough to tell me something they were scared to say to anyone else and find it wasn't a big deal at all.
I LOVE THAT!!!!

Yet, sometimes...I find myself STILL holding back. I think sometimes, the retribution for just being myself has come at such a cost, I'm afraid to do it. That makes me angry to be honest. I held in quite enough for a lifetime and I find it unfair to still do so.
So...at the behest of this very challenge. I won't. ;) I have made mention of this very subject several times on this very blog and well... this time I damn well mean it!!! ;)

This may be a bit difficult for me, but you know what? The point of a challenge is to be challenged. They are not supposed to be easy now are they?
So...here goes nothing! ;)

This challenge is called The Expose Yourself Project and before you puke in your mouth, I PROMISE, it's not exposing any body parts. Probably... ;)

The first day (today) is "My Best Trait"
Now as vain as I am by nature, sometimes I feel quite awkward tooting my own horn. I mean for REAL. However, it cannot be helped sometimes when you're as freaking awesome as me. ;)

So for today I had to think on it actually a short time. It did not take me long at all because I like to go with my very first thought. The first visual that pops in my head. The only thing that took any time was figuring out where the hell I was going to find my subject. It's not quite what I had in mind size-wise but it is what it is and I'm just simply not in a location to run out and find big stuff.

My best trait is my resilience. I have mentioned some things on here previously. I don't want to get into details mostly because...I'm long winded enough on any given day.
I will just note that, I've been through every type of abuse there is listed in any psychology book you'll ever see. When I thought I was able to get away from that, I simply ended up putting myself in the same situation yet again.

I've often wondered what it was about me, that gave me the ability to go through it, note it, deal with it, and leave it. I don't dwell on it. I don't use it for an excuse. I am who I am. I am not angry about it. I don't cry about it. Nothing.

I don't deny it and I don't think it is okay to have happened. I will not say I am glad any of it happened to me, I will say I'm damn glad that I realized it is me.
The abuse is not me. The resiliency to bounce out of it unscathed is me. Push me down, but you better get out of my way because I'm going to pop back ten fold and who knows where I will land.

I am the person I am, because of what I've been through. I am the person that I am, because I realized I was just putting myself back where I had just come from again and again. I am the person that I am, because I did the scariest thing in my mind and walked away from all of it. I held my head high, I trudged through it and I made ME. I did not have to make millions, I did not have to be on the cover of a magazine or anything else. All I had to do to be a success was walk out of that life, keep my head up and make a new one. A new life where I am still the loving, caring and compassionate person I always was from the day I was put on this earth. It never left me and I'll be DAMNED if I ever let anyone try to take it from me again.

I keep that to pass on to my children and I hold the MANY different places I've landed near and dear. They were not all the least bit ideal, but they have to stay with me to remind me to step back and look at others. I may judge too fast sometimes, as a knee-jerk, however I can remind myself to step back and wonder where they've been and what they might have been through. I try to teach that to my children. I try to be that person that someone else may have needed to just slow down and LOOK or LISTEN.

I've lived many different lives, people I know today would be utterly SHOCKED to get a slice of some of the people I've been, some of the places I've seen. I just use that past to my advantage, to keep my compassion close and to never doubt, I know I can come back. No matter what life throws at me.