Well, the planes are again. Thankfully. What a mess!!!
Well, it is official. I'm in "GET RID OF EVERYTHING" mode. Where the hell does this accumulation of "STUFF" come from? Kids sure, but...they certainly don't drive themselves to the store to BUY "stuff" so...I suppose I can't fully blame it on them. It's just annoying. I got rid of SO much before coming over here.
I just had this epiphany talking to my dr. one day. It was so simple it was a total forehead smack moment. Seriously.
I just simply cannot function with clutter. No distractions. I need one of those houses you see on tv that has like NOTHING in it. The 100% ikea home. There are things, but they are hidden and you can't see them unless you are getting them. Except I am kinda of veering away from Ikea furniture now. Yeah, it's alright...but hey I'm 32, I'm probably supposed to be like a grown up now. Real grown ups have dove-tail jointed drawers. Not fiber board (yes I tried to type fibre instead) drawers that are stapled and nailed back together 30 times b/c all those odd-matched socks that never get worn weigh too much for it.
Anyway, see? totally off track again.
Learning how to be...what IS the right word here? I don't want to say or even seek out to be remotely "normal" and well, I've always been human, just distracted. ;) I'll say domesticated, so we can picture Mowgli trying to organize kitchen cabinets and keep a playroom tidy for the 90 mph boy blurs that rush through it like a hurricane. Right. Surely growing up with wolves would leave one at a loss sometimes right?
Yeah he'd totally whip around me like there was nothing to it, go figure...
OMG. Meds, can you PLEASE kick in here?!?!?!?! Geez.
I'm never going to get through this short thought process.
For an example though, there's been a mess and I go to take care of it, I can't say how many times I've literally stood there. I stood there and stared at it, completely and totally unsure of what to do. Obviously, clean it up. However, the actual brain cell needed to cause the physical action that is necessary to begin is over there looking out the window at a butterfly or something. I've never been able to really explain it right, but the more I try to fix it, the more the explanation seems to come to me. The right analogy comes to mind.
So you see those movies that have robots or parasitic aliens with human hosts, when the batteries run out, or there is a glitch in the wiring or the parasite slithered away...that empty shell that looks like a breathing person standing there motionless, well that is me.
No really, its like there is a huge traffic jam ahead, HUGE one and you might sit at the on ramp and try to decide, "should I go on? surely it will clear off soon. Should I just go 15 miles out of the way to avoid it all together? what if i get to the other side of town and hit it at that spot too?" now you are blocking up the people that DO know where they want to go, passed you to the traffic jam on the freeway or around you through town to attempt to miss it all.
So now you are left with trying to muddle through the packed lanes slowly, you can try to take a quick and "easy" way around it all which will likely backfire b/c that's just the way karma works when you try to short-cut stuff. Well, now in the time you've tried to figure out what way to go, what to do, you're now trapped in between. You can't get on the interstate now and you can't go through town b/c all the other cars have since packed in around you and there's no way to even see out. No way to find the escape, if you could even get back home! Nothing. Stuck. So...you just sit there. Hell, maybe you take this opportunity to have a little nap and somewhere, out of the blue, you realize that two hours have passed and there's no telling where they really went. (Remember, that was only a "nap" inside my head, not for real).
So that is really what happens.
However, unknown to the common visitor's eye, I actually have a bit of an OCD streak. I can walk in and look at my pantry and find things out of order, facing the wrong way etc... and I swear it gives me anxiety. I feel so out of whack. I have to take EVERYTHING out, and put it back neatly. All veggies grouped appropriately by group, then color and size and absolutely EVERY one of them facing the exact same way...EXACTLY. Things are placed due to frequency of use, size so on so forth.
When I am done, I stand back and admire the organization. My mind, body and soul (no seriously I'm such a freak) just reeeeeeeee-lax. My brain feels clearer. I SMILE, I'm such a total serious freak, yes i SMILE.
Then I will walk away and find myself drawn to the pantry numerous times through out the day, not for food, but just to admire the organization and flow. I think it could be sort of like a OCD freakazoid valium or something. Having a rough day? Feeling stressed? Go look in the organized pantry.
So then, it sort of dominoes from there. It takes forever to realize the simplest things. It's so unfair, but then I guess that would make life far too easy and unbearably boring right?
I was really dumb founded by this...it was something I had to think on. I then thought of how I cannot seem to get any work done at my computer, but if I clean my desk off where there is basically nothing on it and what is there is situated just so, I can bust out some work like nobody's business.
So, now I know this, and it makes this struggle that much more urgent. It is that much more necessary to purge anything that we do not NEED. We have far too much excess.
However, I know that it is there. I know it's in there somewhere....
I will find my way. I will figure out how to function properly, not forget, not lose time, not be late, know where everything is.
I. WILL.
It is coming, it is near and while it's FAR too slow going for my taste, it is going. Just way slooooooow.
It is really interesting to me, now in hindsight, what things the medication helps and what is really due to environment and discipline. A lot of this stuff is like dieting, or going to the gym regularly. I just have to train myself. I need to train myself all the way to the damn gym too while I'm at it, but that's another subject and I am now finishing this in a different day, a day that pills are working more properly you see. ;)
However, I'm more on time than I have been in a long time. I USED to be early all the time. Then, not so much. Then pretty much never. Now I'm so so. Truth be told though, I actually can't STAND being early. It's so BORING! However, that is how I often end up late for anything anyway. I have to allot myself the perfect amount of time and not let anything muck it up. Too much time makes me stop keeping track of it, or get involved in something that I haven't got enough time for. Oh and the sitting and waiting? UGH!!! BORrrrrrrr-ING!
If only I were an interruptable person....yeah spell check, I just made that up. Deal with it.
My favorite and most noted difference though, is when I speak. I had gotten so bad that I couldn't finish words. Not sentences, but WORDS. I would get stuck in the middle of a WORD and completely forget what I was trying to say. I love words, vocabulary is seriously important. I live in the thesaurus but I'd be trying to say a simple word and it and any other possible replacement word, would all escape me.
Then, I'd look like an idiot. Then it all went down hill from there.
What a mess. So if there were nothing else in the world that ADHD meds could do for me, they enable me to speak again. There are numerous other things of course, but seriously remembering to TAKE a pill daily is so monumental I could never explain (pills everyday? Not so much, and let me introduce you to my son Cody..... yeah. haha). So just TAKING the pills daily is enormous, then being able to SAY that, crazy awesome, anything else is just icing. :)
So there you have it. Frankly, I'm almost certain this began with a different subject in mind for topic, but hey this is where it ended up so there you go..............
At that, my son was an exhausting beast today, which is really bad considering he was at school for 6 hours of the day. He's not acted so bad in so long my brain just freaked out and I think it's worn out now. I need to finish my CSI. I bought a season on iTunes and oh, how fabulous it is! I miss TV!!! Not that I watch much, but the ability to I guess...but, this is actually kind of better to be honest. :)
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