Nasty? I think not!

Some may think it's insane to have photos of mud-crusted fingers and bugs. Me, I think it's pretty much the norm around here. The boys were playing in the dirt, as they should, and were ecstatic to find a "calla-petter". That is, they were ecstatic once I confirmed it was not, in fact, poisonous.
No, I can't bring myself to correct one of the last few mispronunciations of theirs. Go figure, I spoke to my babies like babies and not 30 year olds and they still drop all their kid-speak way too soon if you ask me.
What a terrible Mommy I am for letting them go around saying things like "callapetter" and "fisk-it" and "bonina".
*sigh*
Callapetter is about all I have left, the last remnant beyond some loose teeth and awkward growth spurts.

(Says the Mom who threw out bottles at 10 months old and had a party about it! hehe)

I was definitely meant to have little boys. There is never any question about that. :) I can't wait to have our OWN dirt to dig up to their hearts content. Gardens to plant, trees to grow, tree-houses to build. Our very own dirt track for hot wheels that can stay there for years.
*sigh*
We are all ready for that.

That said...it is official. Mike's retirement has been approved and we are done. Done with the military. Done with living overseas (most likely, at least for now anyway). Done. We will be heading back to the states early in the spring. To Texas? Can't really say for sure. No matter where it is, we'll be a lot closer so we can't complain about that now can we? So long as we can get there in a car or take advantage of some of those cheap state to state flights....I think we have nothing to complain about. ;)
Am I happy? Yes and no. I won't even sugar coat it.  ;)
I am happy to be nearer our family. I am happy to get some completely self-indulgent conveniences back. I'm happy about the opportunity to take my boys to do some things we always talked about. I'm happy at the idea of getting to buy our own home, to make it OURS. I am definitely happy to get OUT of this limbo HELL we are currently in. Hi, I am Miss All or Nothing, remember?
I am, however, VERY sad to leave England. I am the freak that LOVES the weather here. I love the area, the people, the history, the beauty. I'm still in awe of this weird early dark stuff even, still fascinated by it when I think I'm supposed to HATE it already? I am sad that we were just not in the position to get to visit all the grand places we'd imagined upon arriving here. I am sad that the likelihood of those trips are again further away than closer. I am sad to leave the great friends we've made here. Mostly, it is all the things I did not get to see yet, there are just too many things to see and do here. It is somewhat overwhelming really, sometimes we end up doing stuff we've done previously just because we could not decide what new to do.
I might mention one more time...I'm SAD to leave this climate.
I found it humorous that when we walked out of the airport in Abilene, I had do some short breaths just to get used to the dust in the air. I could smell it everywhere, which was unexpected. It felt so heavy and dirty! Mike kept giving me goofy looks the whole time we were there and I mentioned it repeatedly. I was just shocked by it, I guess.
So when we landed back here at Heathrow, walked out of the airport in the middle of London. Where there are buses, taxis, airplanes and cars out the wazoo.... we all collectively, w/out thinking, sucked in a HUGE breath and sighed really big.
Even in the midst of smog and city filth...we still involuntarily took a huge breath as though we had not had one in a month. Funny indeed. :)

*tap*tap*tap...is this thing on??

enough!!!

This may come off as unprofessional, perhaps rude...frankly I don't care because I find the reason behind me posting this exceptionally unprofessional and RUDE. To any other photographers who e-mail me requesting my prices under the guise of a potential client...if you want to know, just man up and ask. Someday, if you ever make it far enough in business that is, you will realize what a HUGE time suck that is, and how incredibly rude and unprofessional it is. As a professional courtesy, I personally, always identify myself for what I am and what I am seeking...actual PORTRAITS. Not trying to sneak by and steal info from people who have put in the time to actually do the WORK.
So here's a big tip for ALL of you who have inevitably wasted my time and the time of MANY of my friends:
You'd be surprised what people will share with you, be willing to do for you, help you with etc... if you just come out and ask. However, this practice of childish behaviour seems to be getting out of hand. We're (other professionals who have put the TIME into their business and education) all REALLY sick of it. Sorry we're busy trying to cater to REAL clients. Learn THAT.

I OB-ject!!!

Yep! Look at me go! Three whole days!!! Today was a tough one too. I will not deny it.
Today's theme is "Me in an Object" which probably could have been easy had I not already sort of done that on day one.
It's alright though. Gotta beat the rust off the wheels here and get the brain crankin' right?

So obviously...the easiest answer possible here would have undeniably been my camera. Of course! However, that's an easy answer, not very deep b/c that is me deep within and right out on the outside. It's all over me. Who couldn't peg that one? I can't stop being the camera for heaven's sakes!!! I try to imagine it, and cannot. It's kind of sick truthfully!

Anyway...on with the program here. I actually do have work to do and with my limited time lately...I should take advantage!

Me in an Object...

 

Pencils. 

Ooooh how many people said "WHA???". Yep. I think this challenge is even a bit MORE difficult being overseas and so far away from things that I could pick up from my past etc... It's good though.  

When looking beyond my camera, I had to think about what really would be left for me, if...I don't know my eyes fell out of my head or something strange like that. Pencils. I have, indeed, always always always taken photographs. Yeah, yeah lots of people SAY that in their "About Me" section on their websites, but I really DID annoy people and pets for years on end. So the thought of me without that is a bit foreign. The other thing I always did was draw, write, sketch, scribble and doodle. I still do. I own so many sketch books it's sort of sick. They are not full really and there is nothing spectacular in any of them. It's simply so I always have one readily available and so that they feel fresh. Nothing worse than an old stale sketchbook! ;) 

Getting to the deep part though, writing or drawing was, for many years, my ONLY escape. I could not stand up and leave. I could not say what I felt. I could do do what I wanted, or what felt right to me. I was a prisoner in my own life. Though on many occasions my drawings and writing came back to bite me in the ass, it was always still worth it. It was my ONLY way to free my mind. I can't imagine how crazy I might have otherwise gone without at LEAST having this one outlet. Going through abuse is tough enough, being unable to use your voice, whatever it may be, to let out some of your frustration and pain is the cruelest of all. 

It was my way of trying to work things out. I still have my diary that I started when I was 9 years old. I wrote in it as if I were writing a letter to a friend. Though that privacy was invaded and used against me on numerous occasions, I still kept at it. It was that important to me. It was all I had. Still to this day, doodling calms me. I write things, I doodle things, I get insanely frustrated when I cannot put something out on the paper as I see it in my head. All of that, still very much the same. Though these days, I do tend to do the majority of my actual writing on a keyboard. ;) I am never able to convey my truest feelings to people in person but when I am so overwhelmed and unable to truly get things out, my first stop is my pencils or my keyboard. I must write, draw, scribble and sketch.

Under the Influence

So today is, of course, Day two of the challenge. Today's theme is "I an influenced by..."

Well, you know the obvious and most immediate choice most will make is...their kids. Of course. While they are OBVIOUSLY a huge influence on my life... DUH. This is supposed to be about ME. They are them and well frankly they are HERE because of me right? So toughening up and walking past the Mommy Guilt that is tapping its foot at me for not tripping over it... here I go.
Now this one really did take a lot more thought than  yesterdays. This is forever a hard question and is kind of the same to me as when people ask what/who inspires me. I always get this stupid look like, "Um...can we not be more original here? Seriously?". It's like, "Why do you like the color blue? Because............. the sky is blue and the sky is kinda...cool."
Well, that is likely how this particular answer, dig etc.. will seem I am sure.

It took a lot of thinking because, I did what I say not to do. I tried to go beyond my immediate first thought. I try to stick with that, because...our brain logically goes to the right answer to start with, we just try to let emotions or society or WHATEVER, direct it beyond that. But...I really don't like being so mainstream.

So... that said. This is perhaps a bit of a cheat? I don't know. I'd call it one, as for a challenge, I think it should be complete and I should have to go out and shoot the subject then write about it. However...I just can't get out there to do this particular sort of shot today. That being said, it did take me a little while to dig through my hoards of files to find an appropriate one. Hopefully that counts for something?

So...here it is.
I am influenced by...

 

People.

No really. It's really NOT that generic of an answer. This shot is a testament to that. One of my FAVORITE past times is people watching. I LOVE to go sit in the city centre and just watch people. Not in a creepy way. I honestly cannot really explain it. I sincerely enjoy studying people. Their expressions, interactions, mannerisms, reactions etc...

I wish it were not totally weird for me to take masses of photos of complete and total strangers. This sort of ties in with yesterdays post/challenge for me as well. I watch people and I always wonder where they came from. What is it like at home? Are they  happy or are they broken on the inside? Do they want to just hide in a corner somewhere? Would it make their day if someone just smiled at them for no reason? Are they on their way to tell someone they love them for the first time? Are they daydreaming about what might have been? 

I say people in general are what influence me the most because, it is people that make up the world. What more could we gain influence from? How better to learn about yourself than to watch others and wonder about them. Who knows how spot on I am or how completely and utterly wrong I am when I imagine what kind of person I am looking at. It makes me wonder...what are they thinking about when they glance at me?

Eek!!! I'm EXPOSED!!!

Well. Yeah. Hi, it's me. Sucky blogger extraordinaire. Well...I'm trying right? It's around a month since my last confession...er post.
I'm here for a reason though. See, things can sometimes get pretty mundane. Mundane is a tough place for a gal like me to be. So I try to do a challenge here and there. IF I can even remember to start it when it begins, then...I still have to do it daily. DAILY?!?! I'm lucky to successfully feed myself daily. If it were possible to procrastinate on that whole nourishing the body thing, I'd be starved already. I've even tried to do stuff once a week. Fail.

What is it with me? I think it's just got to be the rebel in my bones. It is expected of me, so therefore, I simply cannot comply. Even when I am the one that expects it. Right. Yes, I even rebel against the sensible voice in my head. (There's only one though. It's okay. I'm really not insane. I asked a doctor. That look of fear was only due to my overwhelming awesomeness, NOT their overwhelming need for me to LEAVE and never come back! Hell I scared that guy all the way off to another country on the other side of the world! Go me!). ;)

Shit. There went that ADHD again... so yeah anyway, to the point.
I said I'd do a challenge. My friend, Sasha, showed it to me awhile back. I said, "Oh!!! That's so cool! Hell yeah!!!" and then I forgot about it. Totally. Until she posted about it on facebook last night, thus reminding me again.

Then she also posted HERS and well it inspired me. This is what I'm all about. It's what I always mean to do on this here blog. It's what I mean for my life to BE about. Not only for myself, but to help show others that it's GOOD to just let your 'you-ness' hang out. Let it go! Leave that fly down and...wait, yeah don't listen to that one. Just the first one.
Thing is, we've all been through some shit. Some worse than others, and most of us regardless of what we think? Not nearly as much as a lot of folks. What is it though, that tends to make you feel the most normal. I mean really and truly. Dig deeeeeeeep down inside there, and think of some of the times that you've let out a deep breath and said, "oh thank God! I thought I was the only one!"

Quite often right? Well, obviously you said that, because someone else was brave enough to say they did, felt, thought, saw, etc... etc... something first. So...if we were to all lay down all the, well to put it bluntly as I so love to do, bullshit wouldn't we all feel pretty good? Would we all let out a sigh of relief and just freaking relax for once? Would we then begin to fill ourselves with more compassion for others than with all of our self-involved inner turmoil that no one really gives a damn about anyway? Think of all that emotional free space we'd have. It's like...a big ass garage sale! Let the hoarders team come in and clear out ALL that bullshit. Wow huh? Yeah. I thought so. As much as I love it when people are real, even when they are a bit TOO real, it is still difficult sometimes. Even for me.

Most think that I don't think before I speak but I really really do a lot. Which is frightening to some I'm sure, but ya know...the fact is, whatever I said...it was real. ;) I don't like holding stuff in. I actually LOVE letting myself go, saying what I feel, because I know what it's done for me. I know how amazing it feels to be able to FINALLY let it out. FINALLY. I know what it is like, to see that flicker of some one's eye when they decide they trust themselves enough to tell me something they were scared to say to anyone else and find it wasn't a big deal at all.
I LOVE THAT!!!!

Yet, sometimes...I find myself STILL holding back. I think sometimes, the retribution for just being myself has come at such a cost, I'm afraid to do it. That makes me angry to be honest. I held in quite enough for a lifetime and I find it unfair to still do so.
So...at the behest of this very challenge. I won't. ;) I have made mention of this very subject several times on this very blog and well... this time I damn well mean it!!! ;)

This may be a bit difficult for me, but you know what? The point of a challenge is to be challenged. They are not supposed to be easy now are they?
So...here goes nothing! ;)

This challenge is called The Expose Yourself Project and before you puke in your mouth, I PROMISE, it's not exposing any body parts. Probably... ;)

The first day (today) is "My Best Trait"
Now as vain as I am by nature, sometimes I feel quite awkward tooting my own horn. I mean for REAL. However, it cannot be helped sometimes when you're as freaking awesome as me. ;)

So for today I had to think on it actually a short time. It did not take me long at all because I like to go with my very first thought. The first visual that pops in my head. The only thing that took any time was figuring out where the hell I was going to find my subject. It's not quite what I had in mind size-wise but it is what it is and I'm just simply not in a location to run out and find big stuff.

My best trait is my resilience. I have mentioned some things on here previously. I don't want to get into details mostly because...I'm long winded enough on any given day.
I will just note that, I've been through every type of abuse there is listed in any psychology book you'll ever see. When I thought I was able to get away from that, I simply ended up putting myself in the same situation yet again.

I've often wondered what it was about me, that gave me the ability to go through it, note it, deal with it, and leave it. I don't dwell on it. I don't use it for an excuse. I am who I am. I am not angry about it. I don't cry about it. Nothing.

I don't deny it and I don't think it is okay to have happened. I will not say I am glad any of it happened to me, I will say I'm damn glad that I realized it is me.
The abuse is not me. The resiliency to bounce out of it unscathed is me. Push me down, but you better get out of my way because I'm going to pop back ten fold and who knows where I will land.

I am the person I am, because of what I've been through. I am the person that I am, because I realized I was just putting myself back where I had just come from again and again. I am the person that I am, because I did the scariest thing in my mind and walked away from all of it. I held my head high, I trudged through it and I made ME. I did not have to make millions, I did not have to be on the cover of a magazine or anything else. All I had to do to be a success was walk out of that life, keep my head up and make a new one. A new life where I am still the loving, caring and compassionate person I always was from the day I was put on this earth. It never left me and I'll be DAMNED if I ever let anyone try to take it from me again.

I keep that to pass on to my children and I hold the MANY different places I've landed near and dear. They were not all the least bit ideal, but they have to stay with me to remind me to step back and look at others. I may judge too fast sometimes, as a knee-jerk, however I can remind myself to step back and wonder where they've been and what they might have been through. I try to teach that to my children. I try to be that person that someone else may have needed to just slow down and LOOK or LISTEN.

I've lived many different lives, people I know today would be utterly SHOCKED to get a slice of some of the people I've been, some of the places I've seen. I just use that past to my advantage, to keep my compassion close and to never doubt, I know I can come back. No matter what life throws at me.

it's that day...

warning. i am about to blog about that thing that i'm sure some will say, "get over it already. geez." so i'll just put it out there before i even start. if you have a problem with my one problem i can't seem to pack away for all eternity... you know where the virtual world door is.

why the hell am i even starting this one out as a total bitch? probably b/c i'm thinking it myself. "get over it already. geez." unfortunately, it seems its just that one thing i will never get OVER. i can and have moved on. it doesn't rip my guts out every time i try to talk about it anymore. i don't sob uncontrollably or anything. i've been FINE about it for a long while now.
that said, it does not mean that i don't think about it. a LOT. it doesn't mean that i don't get some weird phantom pains in my stomach, where things ought to be, but they are not. it most definitely, does not mean...that this date does not go by unnoticed. no matter how hard i seem to try.

i am pretty certain that the WHOLE reason we got orders to england and the dates fell as they did, was simply so that i would not be able to sit around and focus on what the date would mean to me.
you're confused as hell aren't you?
i'm talking about the baby we lost. oh yeah THAT. ........ (and now the 5 people that might glance at this blog just left. it's cool though. ;) this is just therapeutic for me.) yeah believe it or not, i write stuff here for myself. i actually wish there were some way to integrate a keyboard into the shower and my steering wheel b/c that's when the best stuff comes to me. today... it was the shower.
my smiley face scars caught my attention, then the date. then my gut ripped out just a little for just a second.

today, 3 years ago we landed in england. today 3 years ago i'd have had a new baby if i had not lost it. yeah that still chokes me just a bit to put down. i can do the math. due date, to c/section date etc... it would've been the day. no doubt. just like i have no doubt, it was a girl. i'll never know though, and oddly enough i think that bugs me the most. the WHY of the entire thing obviously is the biggest thing, but to at LEAST know for certain if it was a she or a he or a them or what... ya know?
i still feel it to the depths of my soul, girl. i can "see" her. i knew it instantly when they gave me the SHOCKING news i was miraculously pregnant. no. doubt.

i really do fine though. i still don't always particularly like to hold new babies. i get a hitch EVERY TIME i am looking through a sale rack and those assholes stuff a bunch of maternity clothes in with the regular clothes. really, i actually get very angry. it's like maternity clothes are made of acid and will burn me if i touch them. haha. i seriously want to go complain to them but wouldn't want to seem like the really crazy lady. i just think if it bothers ME like that, what on earth does it do to others who've suffered much worse? 
i haven't really gone out of my way to shoot newborns or anything, though it doesn't really bother me anymore. the first one i shot after we got here, was hard. i won't deny that. i did go home and have a little cry. however, it needed to be done. it was good for me.
i like to run out in night when i'm scared of the dark you know. i took photos of a little guy a couple of weeks ago and i think it was the first time i really ENJOYED being with a little baby in a long long time.
so i saw that as a good sign. i think he reminded me a LOT of the boys when they were tiny like that too though. all expressions and far too ready to jump down and check things out to lay around and sleep all the time.
so those are good things. those are steps in the right direction. i know that i'm alright.

deep down, i know it's what was meant to happen. though i prefer to have all the answers and i think that is the ONLY reason why this one thing sticks with me how it does. i can explain away pretty much ANYTHING. and i mean anything. bad bad bad stuff people have done to me, i can reason with it. this...there just is none. however i know that me with 3 would've likely been the straw breaking the camel's back. i love my boys but two kids really does push my patience to the limit a lot of times. haha. i don't even deny that.
i try to imagine cody as a middle child and it literally makes me shudder.

however, there are those times. certain things, out of nowhere. it's a knee jerk reaction. its freaky. it's bothersome. i grab my stomach. or i feel something. not sure how to describe it really, it's just like my mind immediately goes straight to my abdomen like something ought to be there. be it the maternity clothes in the wrong place, a newborn cry, something on tv, a photo...it's not every time, it's not anytime, just sometimes. random.

what gets me the most i guess is, it is like there is something wrong with the universe. like, somehow i broke something. the way things were SUPPOSED to be and somehow me or more simply my body failed fate.
whoa. that sounds kind of heavy but...
i've never EVER said anything to the boys about this. they were too young to remember even if i had, but...again i said nothing. so they know, NOTHING about it. they will someday of course, but the way kade dwells on stuff like that, i much prefer to save it for when he's older.
that said, you have NO IDEA how many times he's cried to me telling me there's SUPPOSED to be one more. there's supposed to be him, his brother and a baby sister.
i mean, he cries. not the sleepy whiney pulling things out of thin air to cry about cry. it's happened a few times, sobbing. there are supposed to be 3 he says. why aren't there 3? i have to have another baby he says. HAVE to.
cody, out of the blue has said, "i have 2 sisters in heaven." they were named after 2 of his thomas trains. but he insisted for the longest time he had 2 sisters in heaven. now though, he tells me that he's got a sister in texas. so when we get back to texas, he'll have his sister. because it's supposed to be him, his brother and their little sister.

so, as i've said. i have not told them. i don't really talk about it in front of them either. not on purpose. it's just something i rarely talk about and certainly not to anyone when they are around. i know mike doesn't talk about it.

so tell me it wouldn't get to you. i've had to leave the room a few times when they get on it. it's nearly always just one of them when they are alone. a few times they've been together and gotten on about it. kade's gotten so upset with me though, when i try to explain that we're done having babies. we won't be having anymore babies.
that's when he sometimes turns red in the face, tears forming and even sometimes raises his voice that there are SUPPOSED to be THREE of them. it breaks my heart. i, OBVIOUSLY, don't get upset WITH them. they have no way of knowing at all. he certainly means nothing by it. though i can't help but let it get to me, it honestly takes my breath away sometimes.

then i question myself. did i do the wrong thing? should i have left everything alone and let fate take over? did i push it too far messing with mother nature? did i mess up twice over? obviously we will never know.

all i know is that around this day...we'd be having a birthday party and instead i find myself for the 3rd year in a row trying to think of pretty much everything else. however, this year, instead...i'll blog about it.

i can only hope that somehow, someday i can forgive myself for not knowing. or for doing whatever i might have done in ignorance. for not getting angry when the different dr's all started pouring out all the "it could not have been what we did." bullshit. that maybe God or Karma or Mother Nature or whatever might forgive me for messing with the natural order of things if that is what i did by tying my tubes or taking even more drastic measures after all of this took place.
overall i'm comfortable and happy with the decisions i made about my body and doing what i needed to for my health, both mental and physical. that still doesn't mean that i don't question the hell out it sometimes.

as i've said before, i'm sure things have all worked out how they were supposed to. i just can't see it yet, but someday a long time from now, it will all make sense.

but if...for some weird cosmic reason we're all standing on the eve of the apocolypse and it's b/c this child was never born. well damn it, i should've gotten a memo or something letting me know all the details first, maybe it would've made a difference to have known sooner. i don't know. maybe there would've been another one after this loss had i just left it all alone. who knows. really.... - so take it up with whoever dropped the ball on that one.

so that's all of that now. the sun is out and i do have two beautiful boys downstairs itching to go ride some bikes. i think some good hard play time will be a good thing for me today.

this concludes my crazy ass ranting for yet another year.

and i just have to say, i thank God for the beautiful faces i get to smooch on every day.