I recently had the bittersweet honor of photographing a beautiful baby girl. I say bittersweet because she was born with very severe defects that will, but for the grace of God by some miracle no one seems to hope for, take her small little life in a very short matter of time.
I signed up with NILMDTS quite awhile ago. In fact I can actually pinpoint exactly when I applied to them and the reason behind it. Which I will not get into right now. I will just say that due to my own history I figured it would be many years before I felt I'd be confident enough to keep it straight doing one of those sessions. However, there was a situation that led me to know with strong conviction I COULD do it. I could walk in there, hold it together or shed a tear or two if it were warranted, do my job, hug the family who were until then complete strangers and walk out. I would walk out and likely burst into tears, but...history shows, I hold it together when no one else can and let it all out later when it's more convenient.
Obviously, when you do that type of a session, you are now FOREVER bound to this family if only by a small thread. It is true. I would be walking in there to preserve what may be the only time they will have with this child they dreamt of and loved so much already. It may be counted in minutes, the window of opportunity to hold them whether there be but a few minutes of life left in their angel, or it had already passed by. The people involved in these precious hours are people that will forever be connected by this tragic loss.
I have known NILMDTS since it's beginning. I am friends with photographers who really put it in motion. Photographers who give so much of their time and .... their hearts. It is such an AMAZING organization that gives such an AMAZING gift to people who would otherwise only be left with a few fuzzy memories of a day that broke their hearts. As I mentioned I signed up with them a long time ago, I never got called however. I think that a lot of hospitals are just not even aware. Which is tragic in itself. Otherwise, we moved and I just didn't keep up with all of the organizations etc... as I have taken quite a bit of time off.
That said, there was always an absolute YES should the need ever arise.
I mention NILMDTS as it is one that I feel passionate about. I've recently removed myself from a few charity organizations due to the fact that I get called on to do it, but i simply have no passion for it at all. That is unfair to all parties concerned.
Recently a situation came up that warranted photos. This little girl was not expected to make it but a few days. I passed on the word that I would be glad to come out and take photos for the family at any time day or night. I can understand that some people may not be comfortable with the idea. So I just left it in their lap to think on and welcomed them to call me anytime and I'd be there. I had back up childcare on standby just in case.
Now...you always tend to think that it will be difficult to be in the room with this family that is in the process of grieving this loss or the impending loss. You think it will just make you sick, you won't be able to hold it together, you're terrified you will start sobbing and make the whole situation that much worse. Those are the things I feared most overall, though I knew most of that would not happen, I was still very apprehensive about what it would be like in that room. Were they in denial? Were they fully grasping the situation? Would I be able to talk about it or is it something we had to pretend wasn't really going on? Could I talk at all? You know? I can't imagine all the different scenarios you could walk in on.
In this case, they called me on a Sunday morning. They'd had, by then, a couple of days to prepare themselves, to grasp the situation, to accept it and work through it. I was not walking into one of those situations that brought excited expectant parents into the hospital but sent them out shattered and empty handed. The severity of it all was not expected, but they knew part of what was coming. They were just going through the motions. While, it was still necessary to be mindful of where the conversation turned, small talk was good for the air in the room.
It was not really that uncomfortable at all. No, we just doted on her. We discussed her condition a bit. We talked about the weather and food and schools etc.... I took the photos, we chatted.
All the while I am watching the interactions, as I do. I still shot. I've been doing that a great deal more lately, just shooting willy nilly with no particular focus. People may look at me crazy while they see my hitting the shutter just holding the camera loosely. However that catches the raw of the moment.
Anyway, we went through the various photos making sure to snap a couple of with everyone since it was veery important to get them all with her as we could. We made small talk. They were incredibly appreciative and I was so glad to see that they were being so well taken care of.
All of this went fine. I held it together fine. It tried to take me to a crummy place a time or two, but I kept having to remind my.... mind? That it was not about me. It was not about THAT. It was just about them. Period.
The issue seems to have come out of the woodwork afterward. It is when I had the images up on my computer screen. Frozen. I've said it before and I'll say it again, emotion strikes when all the other bullshit is gone. I don't know if it is because I am a photographer and it is the frozen emotion of a photo or if it is that way for everyone. It's just to me...when all the noise and the movement and the anticipation and dread and excitement and the air etc... are all just stripped away and there is JUST the visual of that moment. It's the moment that w/out all of the other stuff in the way can be construed a million different ways. Only myself and the others there know what was going on, and more so likely I am the only that truly knows. You strip away the masks, the persona, the facade they are trying to put on. What you are left with is the emotion that cannot be hidden. I can't tell you if it is just the twinkle in their eye, the curve of their mouths, the slump of the shoulders or all of the above equated together to make this one scene complete. Whatever it is, the emotion did not hit me while I was in the room enveloped in this grief, in these bittersweet moments of life and loss. It was when the whole world was quiet and I had the face of a father, dark circles under his sad eyes staring back at me. His daughter's tiny fingers wrapped around his, a proud smile across his lips and a look of despair in his eyes. It is a mother's face as close to her daughter's as she can get without hurting her. Her hand on her tiny head, her eyes closed above her freckled cheek soaking up every second she can.
It is this moment, this time when all was quiet in my home. When everyone slept peacefully that I found myself staring back at this screen. I stared back for a long time. I flipped through image after image. I stared again and again. For hours. I'd fiddle with a shot here and there but I ended up just staring back, searching each shot for the epitome of the striking emotion. There it was again and again.
I did not get much sleep for several days. I finally had to devote an entire DAY to get them finished because my night time attempts were not working out.
I am thankful for the great support from a group of friends (moo) who were there to help give me a boost when it was getting to me. Yes trust me, I felt like a complete dick for thinking of how it was bugging ME. It wasn't bugging ME b/c of my OWN stuff though, it was just bugging me FOR the family. If that makes any sense. I couldn't stop trying to put myself in their shoes. I don't WANT to be in their shoes and I could never *imagine* it anyway. However, that doesn't stop you from trying to empathize with people. It doesn't stop me anyway. Luckily I had some friends there in the wee hours to just squirt a little water on my face and cheer me on so I could top that hill.
As it were, I have struggled long enough with my own little loss as we all know. One which is, of NO comparison here. I am pretty certain that I came to a new conclusion based on my own loss. I DO wish I had had more information. I certainly don't wish what happened had happened, nor would I wish it on ANYONE. I'm not thankful, I have not found some greater meaning to life because of it. I don't think that I am any more or less sympathetic to others (perhaps a LITTLE maybe) because of it. I'm still upset that I can't put any logic to it.
However, I think I am glad, that I did not know the baby I lost. I knew what little I knew, which is still TOO little. I am glad though, that I did not have to get to the point that I held a little body in my arms knowing it would not last. Knowing that I couldn't keep her long enough to get used to the feel of her in my arms. Even a minute is enough to leave that impression on your chest, that feeling in your arms that simply cannot be described but I know every loving mother out there knows that feeling I am talking about. That one that feels so hopelessly empty when it's been too long between hugs. I am glad that I didn't get to know her smell or her eyes or the curve of her lips. I cannot imagine how much worse for the wear I'd be, not even have been. I mean how it would BE if I would've had that. Those beautiful sweet moments.
I say that on one hand, oh my God how hard must that be? They can't even HOLD her b/c it hurts her too much. She must lay on a pillow that they hold. They don't even get to feel her skin against theirs. The warmth of her little body snuggled up in their chests, her soft quick breathing and tiny little baby noises. none of that. I am so glad that I didn't get that far, but..... I know I would have cherished every single extra second I got and I would've been just as glad to get them.
You just never know though. You wish for one thing, but put in a different situation, you may see that it wasn't all that important after all.
At any rate. I was so glad that they decided to call me. I am so honored to have been able to do this for them. I hope that the images will bring them comfort as time goes on. I would do it again in a heartbeat b/c when it all comes down to it, our own shit doesn't matter. What we can do to help others does. Due to the things we've all experienced can make us better suited to handle things or to help people. I'll just take it as a blessing that I was able to do this for them and that they trusted me enough to walk in on this very heartbreaking time with the family to take photos of their sweet little girl.
I signed up with NILMDTS quite awhile ago. In fact I can actually pinpoint exactly when I applied to them and the reason behind it. Which I will not get into right now. I will just say that due to my own history I figured it would be many years before I felt I'd be confident enough to keep it straight doing one of those sessions. However, there was a situation that led me to know with strong conviction I COULD do it. I could walk in there, hold it together or shed a tear or two if it were warranted, do my job, hug the family who were until then complete strangers and walk out. I would walk out and likely burst into tears, but...history shows, I hold it together when no one else can and let it all out later when it's more convenient.
Obviously, when you do that type of a session, you are now FOREVER bound to this family if only by a small thread. It is true. I would be walking in there to preserve what may be the only time they will have with this child they dreamt of and loved so much already. It may be counted in minutes, the window of opportunity to hold them whether there be but a few minutes of life left in their angel, or it had already passed by. The people involved in these precious hours are people that will forever be connected by this tragic loss.
I have known NILMDTS since it's beginning. I am friends with photographers who really put it in motion. Photographers who give so much of their time and .... their hearts. It is such an AMAZING organization that gives such an AMAZING gift to people who would otherwise only be left with a few fuzzy memories of a day that broke their hearts. As I mentioned I signed up with them a long time ago, I never got called however. I think that a lot of hospitals are just not even aware. Which is tragic in itself. Otherwise, we moved and I just didn't keep up with all of the organizations etc... as I have taken quite a bit of time off.
That said, there was always an absolute YES should the need ever arise.
I mention NILMDTS as it is one that I feel passionate about. I've recently removed myself from a few charity organizations due to the fact that I get called on to do it, but i simply have no passion for it at all. That is unfair to all parties concerned.
Recently a situation came up that warranted photos. This little girl was not expected to make it but a few days. I passed on the word that I would be glad to come out and take photos for the family at any time day or night. I can understand that some people may not be comfortable with the idea. So I just left it in their lap to think on and welcomed them to call me anytime and I'd be there. I had back up childcare on standby just in case.
Now...you always tend to think that it will be difficult to be in the room with this family that is in the process of grieving this loss or the impending loss. You think it will just make you sick, you won't be able to hold it together, you're terrified you will start sobbing and make the whole situation that much worse. Those are the things I feared most overall, though I knew most of that would not happen, I was still very apprehensive about what it would be like in that room. Were they in denial? Were they fully grasping the situation? Would I be able to talk about it or is it something we had to pretend wasn't really going on? Could I talk at all? You know? I can't imagine all the different scenarios you could walk in on.
In this case, they called me on a Sunday morning. They'd had, by then, a couple of days to prepare themselves, to grasp the situation, to accept it and work through it. I was not walking into one of those situations that brought excited expectant parents into the hospital but sent them out shattered and empty handed. The severity of it all was not expected, but they knew part of what was coming. They were just going through the motions. While, it was still necessary to be mindful of where the conversation turned, small talk was good for the air in the room.
It was not really that uncomfortable at all. No, we just doted on her. We discussed her condition a bit. We talked about the weather and food and schools etc.... I took the photos, we chatted.
All the while I am watching the interactions, as I do. I still shot. I've been doing that a great deal more lately, just shooting willy nilly with no particular focus. People may look at me crazy while they see my hitting the shutter just holding the camera loosely. However that catches the raw of the moment.
Anyway, we went through the various photos making sure to snap a couple of with everyone since it was veery important to get them all with her as we could. We made small talk. They were incredibly appreciative and I was so glad to see that they were being so well taken care of.
All of this went fine. I held it together fine. It tried to take me to a crummy place a time or two, but I kept having to remind my.... mind? That it was not about me. It was not about THAT. It was just about them. Period.
The issue seems to have come out of the woodwork afterward. It is when I had the images up on my computer screen. Frozen. I've said it before and I'll say it again, emotion strikes when all the other bullshit is gone. I don't know if it is because I am a photographer and it is the frozen emotion of a photo or if it is that way for everyone. It's just to me...when all the noise and the movement and the anticipation and dread and excitement and the air etc... are all just stripped away and there is JUST the visual of that moment. It's the moment that w/out all of the other stuff in the way can be construed a million different ways. Only myself and the others there know what was going on, and more so likely I am the only that truly knows. You strip away the masks, the persona, the facade they are trying to put on. What you are left with is the emotion that cannot be hidden. I can't tell you if it is just the twinkle in their eye, the curve of their mouths, the slump of the shoulders or all of the above equated together to make this one scene complete. Whatever it is, the emotion did not hit me while I was in the room enveloped in this grief, in these bittersweet moments of life and loss. It was when the whole world was quiet and I had the face of a father, dark circles under his sad eyes staring back at me. His daughter's tiny fingers wrapped around his, a proud smile across his lips and a look of despair in his eyes. It is a mother's face as close to her daughter's as she can get without hurting her. Her hand on her tiny head, her eyes closed above her freckled cheek soaking up every second she can.
It is this moment, this time when all was quiet in my home. When everyone slept peacefully that I found myself staring back at this screen. I stared back for a long time. I flipped through image after image. I stared again and again. For hours. I'd fiddle with a shot here and there but I ended up just staring back, searching each shot for the epitome of the striking emotion. There it was again and again.
I did not get much sleep for several days. I finally had to devote an entire DAY to get them finished because my night time attempts were not working out.
I am thankful for the great support from a group of friends (moo) who were there to help give me a boost when it was getting to me. Yes trust me, I felt like a complete dick for thinking of how it was bugging ME. It wasn't bugging ME b/c of my OWN stuff though, it was just bugging me FOR the family. If that makes any sense. I couldn't stop trying to put myself in their shoes. I don't WANT to be in their shoes and I could never *imagine* it anyway. However, that doesn't stop you from trying to empathize with people. It doesn't stop me anyway. Luckily I had some friends there in the wee hours to just squirt a little water on my face and cheer me on so I could top that hill.
As it were, I have struggled long enough with my own little loss as we all know. One which is, of NO comparison here. I am pretty certain that I came to a new conclusion based on my own loss. I DO wish I had had more information. I certainly don't wish what happened had happened, nor would I wish it on ANYONE. I'm not thankful, I have not found some greater meaning to life because of it. I don't think that I am any more or less sympathetic to others (perhaps a LITTLE maybe) because of it. I'm still upset that I can't put any logic to it.
However, I think I am glad, that I did not know the baby I lost. I knew what little I knew, which is still TOO little. I am glad though, that I did not have to get to the point that I held a little body in my arms knowing it would not last. Knowing that I couldn't keep her long enough to get used to the feel of her in my arms. Even a minute is enough to leave that impression on your chest, that feeling in your arms that simply cannot be described but I know every loving mother out there knows that feeling I am talking about. That one that feels so hopelessly empty when it's been too long between hugs. I am glad that I didn't get to know her smell or her eyes or the curve of her lips. I cannot imagine how much worse for the wear I'd be, not even have been. I mean how it would BE if I would've had that. Those beautiful sweet moments.
I say that on one hand, oh my God how hard must that be? They can't even HOLD her b/c it hurts her too much. She must lay on a pillow that they hold. They don't even get to feel her skin against theirs. The warmth of her little body snuggled up in their chests, her soft quick breathing and tiny little baby noises. none of that. I am so glad that I didn't get that far, but..... I know I would have cherished every single extra second I got and I would've been just as glad to get them.
You just never know though. You wish for one thing, but put in a different situation, you may see that it wasn't all that important after all.
At any rate. I was so glad that they decided to call me. I am so honored to have been able to do this for them. I hope that the images will bring them comfort as time goes on. I would do it again in a heartbeat b/c when it all comes down to it, our own shit doesn't matter. What we can do to help others does. Due to the things we've all experienced can make us better suited to handle things or to help people. I'll just take it as a blessing that I was able to do this for them and that they trusted me enough to walk in on this very heartbreaking time with the family to take photos of their sweet little girl.
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