Mother's Day

I thought I ought to pop on and say Happy Mother's Day to all of those ladies who mean something special to someone. Not just people that have given birth, used a surrogate or even signed adoption papers. Most specifically to those who, when they are needed, step up to the plate no questions asked. To me, a mother is not someone that is only the things mentioned above. A mother comes in many many forms. People might not even know that they are taking that role, or that the simple things they do...might end up someday being recognized as such. In general, Mothers Day has been a day I could really do without. A day that was nothing more than a thorn in my side, a day that reminded me of what I'd not had. Sure...it sounds pouty or whiney, but I certainly don't mean it that way. Just, since I was too young to really need to understand I did not like that day...I've not liked it.

What I've not had, someone I could count on? No...I always had that. At the risk of sounding EXTREMELY backwoods, my sister is my sister and my mother. She's 6.5 years older than me and has always taken care of me, always been there for me and always had to mother me even when she was entirely too young and should've been playing dolls with her friends, going on dates and just other things a kid should get to do. Instead, she took care of me. When she didn't have me there to take care of, she worried about me. She held off on things in her life, waiting for me while worrying about me. While I obviously wasn't hatched from an egg, and I can remember a few good times with my own mother, note I say few and they are always clouded with something dark and hateful. I do have a few. Mother, for me though, has taken many forms. Be it my sister, my friends, my grandmothers, my aunts, my friends mothers, my mother-in-law... there are those people, that are there when you need a shoulder. They are there to share your moments in life, be they good or bad or even mundane. They fed me when I was hungry, they clothed me when I was cold and they gave me a warm place to sleep when I had none. They loved me even when I wasn't very lovable and always had faith in me. They were disappointed in me when they had every right to be so, but they still... always loved me. They encouraged me, they held my hand, they smiled at me and they never, ever, ever broke my heart.

So either you know or you don't know that while yes...my own mother is still living, so far as I know, somewhere. She is not in my life and will never be again. I've dreaded the day that my children asked me about her, what would I say? I've never even been able to bring myself to fill in their basic family tree in baby books, because only deserving people should be there I think, but I will not lie to them either. As if on queue, not long ago Kade finally asked me my mother's name. While, yes, it did make me cringe to say it and to hear him say it...I said I would not lie. I will never lie to my kids. Um...well okay a little white one here or there that, there's no more chocolate or that said toy is broken because I can't bare to hear it a moment longer. That's normal though I'll assume, but I won't lie that I will lie to them about those things! At any rate, he's really interested in family and is a bit confused by our very interesting family tree that Mike and I have made here, but...he asks once in awhile and that is it. It is when he asks where she is, that...I hesitate. I really want my kids to just be naive for awhile. In a sense of not having to worry about someone they love, being mean, or worrying that I, myself, would ever be mean to them or leave them. So, for that I hesitate. What do you say? So far, just saying she lives very far away has sufficed, but...I doubt I have long before he gets more inquisitive.

I am thankful, beyond all words, that he does have the people in his life that he does. I, like most people, swore to give my kids a better life. While I know I win no prize for Mom of the year and I won't hold my breath for it. Save that for the Mom that spends days on end at play dates and making nifty crafts with their kids and all those things I just can't seem to muster up. The Mom that devotes her life to caring for her sick child, who worries daily that she still has another day, the Mom that works 3 jobs to make sure her kids have food and clothes. Those Moms deserve that. Not me. I'm just average at it. I love them, I make sure they smile several times a day. They never know hunger, fear, pain, deceit, and heartache at my hand. If nothing else in the world, that is the best I could give them...then I say I'm doing my job pretty good. Anything above and beyond that, is just icing.

So, quite honestly, if not for my kids benefit, I would still loathe Mother's Day. However the look on their face when presenting a card and saying those words really makes all the bad blood between myself and Mother's Day melt away. I am blessed with two of the most beautiful children in this world. They are beautiful to look at, beautiful to listen to (save some of the fighting of course..) beautiful to watch. They have the funniest sense of humor, the most awe inspiring imaginations and the biggest little hearts ever. They are healthy, happy and FULL of energy (oh Lord help me are they ever). I, without any other thing in the world, am blessed for that. I know the pain of losing to my own extent. I see and hear the pain in losing from friends and loved ones, and the pain of wanting motherhood so bad from them as well. It is a gift.
It is a gift to BE a mother and to HAVE a mother.

It gets me on my birthday because I KNOW wherever she is, she's thinking of me. It gets me on Mothers day for obvious reasons. It bothered me when I got married and it bothered me when I had my children. Yes, I, who rarely admits such things, was feeling a little sad about it. However, it was fine. I was fine. Who was there for those things? Oh...yeah, well let's see. My sister. My mother-in-law. My friends and their Moms. My nieces. My Grandma. They were there. They've always been.
Who calls me on my birthday? They do. Who is there? They are.
They are all the ones that take the place of a "Mom" for me. I adapt. When you're missing a limb, you adapt. You learn to use the other arm, or you get a prosthetic leg. You adapt. I've made it just fine. When I need advice, a shoulder, an ear...I have lots of people to call. So hey, ya know...in a lot of ways maybe I might even have it better. I don't rely on one person, gosh if my Mom was on my nerves I couldn't just call on another one. You might not be able to...but I can! ;o)
At any rate.
For this. I want to say.
Thank You.
Thank you to all of you who've ALWAYS been there for me. All my life or just the past few years. Thank You.
Big or small, however you might think of what you do...it's a lot bigger than you can ever imagine. Thank You.
I love you all so much, and I can never honestly put into proper words, how much all those things over all the years have meant to me.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!