Perhaps I've got too much time alone with my thoughts these days. Must be the case since I'm getting all philosophical lately. However, I suppose it is good. I'm trying soooo hard to A. CALM DOWN and B. soak up the moments, the special things.
I've noticed suddenly that my kids are growing up REALLY freaking fast! I spent so much time working and worrying about everyone else's crap that they somehow just went on growing up without me. I thank God that I had to step back and see that so early though. Thank God they aren't 20 years old and I'm kicking the dirt thinking, "Huh...who'da thought?". Yes, thank goodness for all of that. I can step back and just soak up the beauty of that smile. Those gorgeous eyes, those mile long lashes they both have. That silly face, that giggle, that whine and even that fuss.
Perhaps that monster of mine, PMS (ugh yes AGAIN) is making me a little bit emotional today. Luckily it is the sappy emotional and not the bitchy one. This month has been more mild...FINALLY. Although I'm on the verge of asking to get my hormones tested to make sure those ovaries I still have are working. It is hotflash central around here lately and seems sudden and so much worse than I've been in the past. You KNOW if I'm outside in a tee and capris and its really "nice" out to me but I come check the temps and it is actually 38 degrees out...something is not right. Mike thought I was nuts, I said, "It is not bad out at all today, they must've been way wrong about the forecast." he replies with, "Are you effin nuts woman? Its freeeezing outside!".
hahaha.
Well, I'll be damned, it actually wasn't far off. haha
Oh well it saves me from having to hunt for new winter clothes since all my stuff from last year seems to have grown. Hey who knew clothes could grow too instead of only shrinking?
Anyway, back to the point.
We tried to go outside today for a little bit because the kids have been cooped up already and there's just no way I can prolong it until Spring. Doubt that will work out at all. Of course in the midst of trying to get them dressed and bundled up, it started to rain. Ugh! Luckily it was a short one though and we proceeded to finish our bundling and fighting over shoes etc...
We still have not found them rain gear. I guess I'm being too picky since I live in England and there is plenty of it around (now that I've found more stores that is) and in the past month I've still not found anything. We went out and played, I took pics, they played together and ran around with those big gorgeous smiles they have. Cody squealed about an airplane and they both watched in amazement as the big crane moved around at some yard a mile away (you could just see the top of it over the trees, enough for them though).
It began to rain again and didn't want to let up this time, so after a bit of a battle, I got them inside. Cody actually seemed happy with that decision as he kicked off his boots and said, "Mommy it cooooode out dere. brrrrrrrr!".
Sure it sounds cute, but then he remembered how tired he was because he woke up at 4am this morning, or something like that. So he had a meltdown or two. I finally have to give MYSELF a time out and just go finish lunch. When they came in, Kade had his pretend stethoscope and Cody still sniffing and sad let his big brother check him to make sure he was okay. Kade speaking in his soft concerned voice asked Cody if he was okay and to let him help. :)
We all sat down to eat and Kade smiles across at Cody, Cody giggles at Kade. Then, just as sweet as he can be, as if Cody is just a tiny baby, Kade covers his eyes and starts playing peek-a-boo with Cody. Co just cracks up. Then he mimics Kade. Both of them with their sweet voices on, playing peek-a-boo with each other.
For a second I thought how blessed I was at what a wonderful big brother Kade is. I remember worrying so much when I was pregnant with Cody how jealous Kade would be and he'd think we didn't love him anymore etc... but for the most part, he's never acted like that. The day we brought Cody home from the hospital, I was so concerned that Kade would have a fit and bawl b/c he was jealous. He had his first tantrum ever and bawled, because we took "his" baby from him and wouldn't let him carry "his" baby around.
I am so proud of them both, how close they are. Of COURSE they fight like crazy, don't be silly! However, it is good and it is a good sign I think. They are both very passionate kids and so their fighting is pretty over the top sometimes, but when we get the screaming stopped and the hitting out of reach, they hug, they tell each other they are sorry and that they love each other. What more can you ask for?
So as this moment goes on, those sweet voices saying "peek-a-boo!" as they would to a baby, shot my brain that stupid annoying thought that zings right down to my heart, then to my gut. A baby. (Yes, forewarning, here goes...)
I hate that it comes from nowhere. I wish I had a warning light or something so we could duck and cover, run to the cellar or put on some hard hats and brace ourselves. Unfortunately it hits at the times you seem to least expect it.
A baby. Had things taken a different turn, they very well would have been doing that to their baby sister (which I'm still certain would've been a girl so we'll stick with it). She'd be just over 3 months old right now. Perfect age for two doting big brothers to be playing peek a boo with her and making her giggle.
*sigh*
I swear it is just NEVER going to go away. I wonder, am I going to be 75 years old and still get this pang in my chest out of nowhere? Always wondering? Would it be better if I'd have just dealt with it when it happened? There is also that thing, that everyone tells you not to do, but if you've ever lost a baby, I don't care who you are and how much you had no way of knowing (most DEFINITELY in my particular case) you STILL cannot stop yourself from wondering what you might have done, that if done differently might have changed this outcome. I did so many things that could have been and probably were SO harmful and the mere fact that I got pregnant again, the mere fact that this baby was all the way in my uterus and the mere fact that after my hysterectomy the dr. said he had no earthly idea how I even got pregnant beyond all the rest of it because he couldn't even FIND the rest of one of my tubes and they were just mangled beyond recognition. How can that not have been something miraculous and I messed it up somehow. That is truly the type of things I wonder. Like, some silly FEAR that I'm now doomed to hell or something b/c I was given some insane gift, some miracle that never should have happened in the first place, many measures taken to prevent this from happening, but it did anyway and it made it ALL the way where it was supposed to be. Where it was supposed to grow and form and cozy up until it was time to come out and join us. It made it there, it even grew there for awhile and the instant we found out it was there. We lost it. According to my ultrasound, the dates, measurements etc... it had stopped growing 2 days before we saw her (assuming the measurements were right on).
Then, you can think even further b/c that is what you do when you grieve I guess. How much more perfectly could this have been timed? Perhaps more information than one might want to know, but do you want to know the EXACT date that this child was conceived? The very day my husband got home from a deployment. My cycle, the dates etc... led me to a most fertile day being the exact day he got home. The NP just sighed and said, "Yep, if you were gonna make a baby, that'd be the day you'd have to do it on.".
I mean... I don't know. It has all gone round and round in my mind a billion times. So the ME that is so very me, knows that there was a reason. It led to the events that took place thereafter and well, I did leave it up to chance and fate and actually gave it a go one last time before my surgery just to be sure it was what was MEANT to happen. It was. I try to comfort myself by thinking that had things now worked out how they did, I would have never known and I don't know, maybe something evil was afoot in my reproductive organs and removing them saved me from something that we'll never know about. If that makes any sense. Who knows, it was the best "reasoning" I could come up with.
While sometimes I did wonder if I'd made the right decision by having the tubal, I knew it WAS the right decision. I did not ever feel that it was right to not go ahead with further actions after this happened, much less to TRY for another baby because I don't feel it was right to try to replace a baby we were not out to have in the first place. I know my limits as a mother and two is pushing the bar most days. Pregnancy and I don't get along all that great, something ALWAYS happens in childbirth, or shortly there after and well, just the day to day. So there have been times, especially after spending 3 hours with my nephew and my two boys all together that surely reminded me I definitely did not need another child. Ben, Kade and Cody are all exactly the same age apart as it would've been with baby #3. So honestly, in that case I do not feel that I was meant to physically have another child. It does still bite a lot of the time though. I have those moments. I stare at the ultrasound photos trying to see whatever I can and take that in, and soak that up b/c that is all that I have of that miracle baby.
I feel sad too that anytime I think of Kade's 3rd birthday, I can barely remember his party at all because I was in so much pain at the time. His entire 3rd birthday, all of our rituals that we do every year for both boys, are now forever riddled with the fact that I was in so much pain with....gas? Yes, that is the only way we could explain this. Freaking GAS. I went through his party, the motions of it all, the gifts, the cake, the singing, the photos wincing not having a clue. We stopped and bought some extra strength gas-x. Seriously, I've never had bad gas before I have no idea. That is what Mike thought so I went with it. I remember sitting at Kade's annual birthday dinner at Roadhouse, he loved to sit on the saddle while they sang to him, the entire time I felt as though I was having some horrible muscle spasm all through my gut and abdomen. NO, it was contractions. *sigh*
So I hate that I cannot even look back on his last birthday without this feeling of sadness. I feel bad because there are hardly any photos of it, only a short video. We had it at my Grandmothers house and she was so happy to have it all there and I don't have a good MEMORY of it. Damn it.
I think I came along way on my own though, once this finally came out and hit me like a ton of bricks back in the spring. I was actually doing really well, the weight loss helped a great deal, getting in shape and getting out of the house again and socializing, that all did wonders for me, the entire family. I did great on the move. Even though the very day we flew over here, would've been the very day I would have had my c-section. I didn't have time to worry about it, hardly a second to myself to even make a mental note of it (which is very likely a very good thing). I was really doing well with it. Then I got here and there are 50 billion newborns and pregnant women and they seem to like to crowd me everywhere I go. I actually began to have anxiety attacks and would want to scream at these evil women to GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!! Not because I was angry or envious of them, but give a girl some space, don't you KNOW? Can't you SEE what you are making me think of? What I am identifying with here? Your baby is only a week old and has a head full of black hair and is wrapped all up in pink. Please for the Love of God go away and stay away from me! I never in a million YEARS would've expected a reaction like that. I even had to ask Mike to stop mentioning that every single person in his shop is having a baby right now. Like, get some TV people!!!! Please! For my own sanity do you MIND????
Then to add to it, some very dear friends who all came up pregnant at the same time, started having their babies. Of COURSE I was overjoyed for them and so happy for them and feel a little more of a special bond with their babies perhaps, it still hurt at the same time. If that makes any sense. It is hard to explain and I hate for anyone who has never been in these shoes to think it is envy, anger or just plain hatefulness because it is not. I am NOT that way. Some gals might be and I wish they would not be because that is not fair to anyone. However, I am not. I was not and will not. You can't help but identify with it, I'm not talking some crazy stuff or anything like that. I just mean, I don't think, still to this day that I could hold some one's newborn. I don't know that I can smile and be genuinely ONLY thinking about how happy I am for THEM and not be thinking about how my heart aches for what I lost. Of course, there are a few folks, my dear dear friends that I could definitely do that for and not feel sorry for myself, if that is what you will call it even. I don't know. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, if that is what it sounds like. I'm OKAY, things move on, life goes on --- especially mine. My life is so fast paced it is not even funny and no one has time to sit around and feel sorry for themselves. It just hurts. I guess I am still grieving in a way. I know too many folks, even if it is barely and through a friend etc... that have had losses that have GOT to be so much more painful to go through, as they were anywhere from 23 weeks to the day of the birth that they lost their child.
Even before this happened, when I was pregnant with Cody that happened to a um... acquaintance doesn't sound like quite enough, but maybe not a friend so much. I quite literally laid out and sobbed. Happily waiting to hear news and hearing that news. I was just under 2 months to go with Cody. I couldn't even relay the story for days without breaking down bawling. I could hardly even tell Mike what I was sobbing for. So...I can't imagine actually being the one IN those shoes and I am so thankful that I personally have not been and am so sorry for those that have been. My heart goes out to them in ways I simply cannot put into words. So, I'm not sorry for myself. Whatever it was, there was a reason, a purpose...something.
Some very close friends gave me some words that will forever be held so very close to my heart. They were the words that made the crying stop, made me look up and think, that hey that sounds good... maybe that is it. Someday, somewhere, somehow... the spirit of this baby and I will be reunited. Perhaps someone else needed it worse? If that is the case, by all means... some folks I know really DID need it worse, and if I'd have had it to give to them, I would have without a second thought. If that is what it was, then I can definitely take solace in that.
I could not shoot anymore maternity's, I could not shoot anymore newborns...good thing it was not my main subject at all in my business huh? I did shoot one more maternity before I left, but there were moments that I could hardly speak to them. Not out of fear, not out of my own pain, but out of sheer emotion. They were one of the ones that had a loss so much further on, and had become pregnant again, due within a week or so of myself. That is why I can say that I would have given soul, that baby made of miracles to someone else if that is why I could not hold it, if someone else needed it like they did, I could have handed it over with a smile. I wish I just had a way of KNOWING. They delivered a beautiful baby girl, happy and healthy and thriving. I could not be happier for them. I doubt they know this story of mine, doubt they ever will. I am sure they probably just think that I'm a total sap and near blubbering idiot because I did know theirs.
I just know that I am beyond blessed to have the gorgeous happy and healthy little boys that I have. I am trying to remind myself daily that their energy and boisterous nature means they really are VERY happy and VERY healthy. They keep me on my toes because they are always on theirs.
If everyone were to just sit and think of all of their friends and family, take into account the painful things they have been through, I think we'd all thank our lucky stars daily. If you put it into perspective, how your life can literally change in a matter or seconds, I think we would spend more time trying to slow those seconds down and just enjoy them instead of trying to push for what is next.
Yep, that is impatient aimee for ya. hahaha
What is in the air here anyway? I've slowed down so much, it is great though. I much rather prefer to be more laid back, flowing and just soaking up things. I'm trying, I have days where I am not of course, but I'm definitely trying hard, to find that laid back version of me that got buried somewhere. :)
Well, that is enough therapy for me for the month.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
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