That should be my name today. It is going to be a long day. I can't stand not being there. I just can't. I can't stand not being THE person. When did I become that person? I don't know, but I've just come to the realization that is the exact reason why days like today drive me out of my freaking head.
I'm SUPPOSED to be there. Not for ME, for them. To do things, to be a shoulder, a bitch, a gopher, a pillow, a punching bag...gosh whatever. SOMETHING.
Not just an anxious freaky mess 5 thousand miles away. I actually wish I had a tail today because at least I could give myself some purpose. I'd be better off running in circles chasing my tail. I'm not a sitter by'er and watcher. I'm a doer, a there'er, a something. Not a waiting nail biter.
All senses on high alert, wound up tighter than an eight day clock. I wait. I watch. I refresh my facebook page 9874 times. I was not able to do the one thing I felt strongly compelled to do today, but hopefully I can make that happen on Friday. I DID buy a gift today. I should go to the post office then and mail it... that would be doing something. Yes, jittering my way through the line at the post office with my package, well...let's see just how fast I get tossed in jail for appearing suspicious?
I did not do the gym today b/c Cody was NOT up to school so I didn't want to get in there and not get his call if he was having a cow to come home. I wish I were better at running, it'd be a damn good day to run till I puke. Oscar sure wouldn't mind either, she looks like she's been contemplating chewing my foot off in my sleep for not taking her for walks or to the field since we took her away from her giant backyard. She just whines and gives me the evil eye.
Well, all that said, yammering on my blog about not much of anything isn't really working either. Today would be a good day to visit another nearby country....oh yeah, it sure would.
Alas, please keep your prayer lines open and keep them coming, I sincerely believe in them. Love to all and if you don't have the Emma Updates, well...I'll update anyway because I have nothing else of any importance to do right now beyond waiting..... if patience is a virtue well, I never claimed to be very virtuous anyway did I?
uuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Nearly there....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Beautiful in, Beautiful out, Beautiful everywhere.
My boy. He is, indeed, beautiful. Every way there is to be beautiful. I have had a smidge of difficulty with Kade lately. Then we got a report from his teacher and I was pretty shocked to say the least at how he has been behaving at school. Granted, they are only going on their 2nd FULL week of school just now and it's a much larger school than his last, I was still seriously shocked by his behavior.
So, yes that leaves me doing my usual. Fretting like crazy, worrying, worrying, worrying. Wondering what all I should have done, need to do or am doing different, wrong, better, worse. My big thing is, and has been for ages is that as much as I offer up and condone a VERY open door, open mouth, whatever you want to call it policy in our home. I have a tight-lipped son. How does that happen really? I mean, okay if he were 16 and in that parent hating phase or something, sure... but FIVE???
It goes a little something like this;
"Hey dude, how was school today?"
"Fine."
"well, what did you do?"
"I don't know, stuff..."
"Well, like what? Did you draw? Did you read? Play outside?"
"I don't remember."
"Really? We're still walking off the school ground, you seriously don't recall anything beyond the past 40 seconds?"
"Mom? Can we not talk right now? I'm busy walking."
Yeah.... it really goes like that. How the HELL am I going to communicate with THIS kid when he's perfected that line of crap for 10 more years? I'm doomed! He loves to tell some long, drawn out, insanely detailed stories though. As far as my attention span will allow, I definitely listen in intently. However, sometimes it's hard. It's very difficult to know where the middle is, or the end, or even if this is a 10 minute story or if I should get comfortable and just forget making dinner.
Well, as I mentioned, we got some not so awesome feedback from his teacher. Unfortunately they did not offer up the information until questioned about something we thought nothing of really, just wanted to KNOW about and are then handed this gem. How he was extremely naughty. I'm still so shocked by his behavior that I literally cannot picture it in my mind with Kade. If it were ME telling him not to do this, sure. A teacher though? No way! However this all took place on Friday and we did not get the story until Monday. Rather than him being grounded all weekend for acting like an (yes I will word nicely) undisciplined neanderthal child he got to jump on the bouncy castle in our backyard ALL weekend. Partake in games and playing and even a trip to the driving range. Yeah. Had we known, well...he'd have been enjoying all of this through his bedroom window or in his imagination.
As it stands though, there is much work to be done. Many changes to be made. Whatever it takes, to make my beautiful boy see, that he just has to do things a little bit different. To make sure, that he loves himself just as he is NO MATTER WHAT. He's a beautiful, intelligent, insanely creative child...who lives in another world 99.8% of the time.
Tonight, in an attempt to prolong his bedtime, he calls me up to his room. There are certain criteria that have to be met to get me back in for any sort of visit once the initial lights out. There had been silence for quite some time, me thinking they were both toast. Apparently only Co was out and Kade had simply been visiting his other planet. He calls me up and says he's scared. Of everything as it turns out. Who the hell gets off easy with a monster in the closet? Just consider yourself lucky if that is all you have to contend with! It was just a ploy to avoid sleep, which he was in desperate need of. Then he wants to talk. My boy, the night owl. Wants nothing to do with anyone but in his own time. I can't fathom someone like that. ;) (me, me, me!). So we talk about school, but he doesn't want to talk about school, he wants to talk about jets. After a detail description of every jet he's ever seen, and then a crrrrrazy detailed description of his birthday party and every toy he wants...he moves on to "let's talk about you Mom".
Is he going to be the ladies man of the century or what?
Well sure, that's good but wait... he's better than that.
"Okay buddy, what would you like to talk about about Mommy?"
"Oh...about how beautiful you are. You know, you have cool rock n' roll hair and you wear rock n' roll clothes. That's beautiful. I like rock n' roll clothes because I wear rock n' roll clothes too. I wish I could wear rock n' roll clothes all day long."
I love the moment that I can revel in the naivete of childhood admiration. I can be at my nastiest, no make up, holey yucky clothes, frizzy hair in a bun and they look at me and say, "you are beautiful Mommy". At my worst, they still think I'm the best. What on earth can be better than my kids?
Nothing I say.
My beautiful boys with their beautiful minds inside their beautiful heads above their beautiful faces above their beautiful hearts.... however can I share enough gratitude without sounding downright cocky? How did I get so lucky? What did I do? Whatever it is, whatever I did to strike it rich to deserve them, I'd do it again 100 times. For all the headaches, the gray hairs and wrinkles I've had and that are yet to come...Thank you. Thank God for my boys.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
I can't say enough how much I'm so lucky to get to feel their short arms squish me around my neck, their sticky hands grabbing onto mine for support or comfort, their still somewhat slobbery kisses on soft puckery little kid lips... what a blessing.
I don't know how else to show my gratitude than to wake up each day, thankful that I get yet another day with them. I get to get frustrated with them for making us late, for spilling something, for ignoring me...for whatever.
They are mine and I am so glad of that and I hate that sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to remind me that there is no greater thing I can do in my life than appreciate them for who they are. Appreciate their childishness, for however fleeting of a moment it is here.
So, from this moment I vow to.... CHILL THE F**K OUT. (there I kept it sort of pg-13).
As it is, if you are the praying type...tomorrow Emma is back in for surgery #3. Being that it is the 3rd time in the same place and previous things have not worked and it's apparently growing much more rapidly (since it was clear in June and now already the same size as it was last year) there are some new treatments they are looking at doing. This is all very delicate, OBVIOUSLY, due to the location and nature of this cancer. So as she goes in, let us all pray for the third time to truly be her charm. At the same time, my friend Deb who's fought one helluva fight with cancer since '07 seems to be nearing the end. She's a personality that just wins you over the first time you shake her hand, a beautiful smile, twinkly eyes and an aura that just grabs you. Pray that her pain is relieved and that somehow her last wish is granted and her son Riley is taken care of. Pray that they can still have a few lucid moments and that no matter what, she is at peace.
On that note...
Count your blessings and be thankful for them. Hug someone today...
So, yes that leaves me doing my usual. Fretting like crazy, worrying, worrying, worrying. Wondering what all I should have done, need to do or am doing different, wrong, better, worse. My big thing is, and has been for ages is that as much as I offer up and condone a VERY open door, open mouth, whatever you want to call it policy in our home. I have a tight-lipped son. How does that happen really? I mean, okay if he were 16 and in that parent hating phase or something, sure... but FIVE???
It goes a little something like this;
"Hey dude, how was school today?"
"Fine."
"well, what did you do?"
"I don't know, stuff..."
"Well, like what? Did you draw? Did you read? Play outside?"
"I don't remember."
"Really? We're still walking off the school ground, you seriously don't recall anything beyond the past 40 seconds?"
"Mom? Can we not talk right now? I'm busy walking."
Yeah.... it really goes like that. How the HELL am I going to communicate with THIS kid when he's perfected that line of crap for 10 more years? I'm doomed! He loves to tell some long, drawn out, insanely detailed stories though. As far as my attention span will allow, I definitely listen in intently. However, sometimes it's hard. It's very difficult to know where the middle is, or the end, or even if this is a 10 minute story or if I should get comfortable and just forget making dinner.
Well, as I mentioned, we got some not so awesome feedback from his teacher. Unfortunately they did not offer up the information until questioned about something we thought nothing of really, just wanted to KNOW about and are then handed this gem. How he was extremely naughty. I'm still so shocked by his behavior that I literally cannot picture it in my mind with Kade. If it were ME telling him not to do this, sure. A teacher though? No way! However this all took place on Friday and we did not get the story until Monday. Rather than him being grounded all weekend for acting like an (yes I will word nicely) undisciplined neanderthal child he got to jump on the bouncy castle in our backyard ALL weekend. Partake in games and playing and even a trip to the driving range. Yeah. Had we known, well...he'd have been enjoying all of this through his bedroom window or in his imagination.
As it stands though, there is much work to be done. Many changes to be made. Whatever it takes, to make my beautiful boy see, that he just has to do things a little bit different. To make sure, that he loves himself just as he is NO MATTER WHAT. He's a beautiful, intelligent, insanely creative child...who lives in another world 99.8% of the time.
Tonight, in an attempt to prolong his bedtime, he calls me up to his room. There are certain criteria that have to be met to get me back in for any sort of visit once the initial lights out. There had been silence for quite some time, me thinking they were both toast. Apparently only Co was out and Kade had simply been visiting his other planet. He calls me up and says he's scared. Of everything as it turns out. Who the hell gets off easy with a monster in the closet? Just consider yourself lucky if that is all you have to contend with! It was just a ploy to avoid sleep, which he was in desperate need of. Then he wants to talk. My boy, the night owl. Wants nothing to do with anyone but in his own time. I can't fathom someone like that. ;) (me, me, me!). So we talk about school, but he doesn't want to talk about school, he wants to talk about jets. After a detail description of every jet he's ever seen, and then a crrrrrazy detailed description of his birthday party and every toy he wants...he moves on to "let's talk about you Mom".
Is he going to be the ladies man of the century or what?
Well sure, that's good but wait... he's better than that.
"Okay buddy, what would you like to talk about about Mommy?"
"Oh...about how beautiful you are. You know, you have cool rock n' roll hair and you wear rock n' roll clothes. That's beautiful. I like rock n' roll clothes because I wear rock n' roll clothes too. I wish I could wear rock n' roll clothes all day long."
I love the moment that I can revel in the naivete of childhood admiration. I can be at my nastiest, no make up, holey yucky clothes, frizzy hair in a bun and they look at me and say, "you are beautiful Mommy". At my worst, they still think I'm the best. What on earth can be better than my kids?
Nothing I say.
My beautiful boys with their beautiful minds inside their beautiful heads above their beautiful faces above their beautiful hearts.... however can I share enough gratitude without sounding downright cocky? How did I get so lucky? What did I do? Whatever it is, whatever I did to strike it rich to deserve them, I'd do it again 100 times. For all the headaches, the gray hairs and wrinkles I've had and that are yet to come...Thank you. Thank God for my boys.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
I can't say enough how much I'm so lucky to get to feel their short arms squish me around my neck, their sticky hands grabbing onto mine for support or comfort, their still somewhat slobbery kisses on soft puckery little kid lips... what a blessing.
I don't know how else to show my gratitude than to wake up each day, thankful that I get yet another day with them. I get to get frustrated with them for making us late, for spilling something, for ignoring me...for whatever.
They are mine and I am so glad of that and I hate that sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to remind me that there is no greater thing I can do in my life than appreciate them for who they are. Appreciate their childishness, for however fleeting of a moment it is here.
So, from this moment I vow to.... CHILL THE F**K OUT. (there I kept it sort of pg-13).
As it is, if you are the praying type...tomorrow Emma is back in for surgery #3. Being that it is the 3rd time in the same place and previous things have not worked and it's apparently growing much more rapidly (since it was clear in June and now already the same size as it was last year) there are some new treatments they are looking at doing. This is all very delicate, OBVIOUSLY, due to the location and nature of this cancer. So as she goes in, let us all pray for the third time to truly be her charm. At the same time, my friend Deb who's fought one helluva fight with cancer since '07 seems to be nearing the end. She's a personality that just wins you over the first time you shake her hand, a beautiful smile, twinkly eyes and an aura that just grabs you. Pray that her pain is relieved and that somehow her last wish is granted and her son Riley is taken care of. Pray that they can still have a few lucid moments and that no matter what, she is at peace.
On that note...
Count your blessings and be thankful for them. Hug someone today...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What's your problem?
Ya know, as usual I have so much I need to spit out that I think I"m on overload and nothing can find it's way out. I am compelled to go on about this or that. I get inspired, I get annoyed, I get aggravated, overjoyed...I get all sorts of "too much" something. I always feel I need to get it out. I need to write about it or something... but then I start thinking of all the other things I wanted to write, or say and then the other things I ought to, or forgot to and then...what's more pressing? I mean really, what's the most important crap to come out of my brain? Who can really be the judge of that? If only I had a transcriptionist in my head...perhaps with a side degree in editing. If only.
That said, I'm compelled to write right NOW. As I'm reading things online. I'm overcome with sadness and gratefulness all at once. What am I reading you might ask? Well, it's actually a list of charities wanting money from Pepsi. See, I (shockingly) won an iTouch from pepsi a couple months ago and they told me about their charitable donations this year. It's pretty cool actually but a bunch of charities, already in place or to be formed from this, are in the running for a boat load of money from Pepsi. Um, more to the point, Pepsi did not take out any ads at all for Superbowl Sunday this year and instead have used that money for charities chosen by none other than...the people. :) So, even though I think Pepsi tastes like crap and the only thing I do like about it is the smell always makes me think of my Granny, it's a pretty damn cool thing and maybe other companies should get on the train too.
Anyway, I'm obviously immediately taken by the childhood cancer charities (HEY IT'S CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IF YOU DID NOT KNOW!!!!), there are also many others that touch me. Firstly the equine therapy ones snag me right off the bat. I wish people could REALLY grasp what horses can do for sooooo many things, What they did for me on many occasions in many ways. Animals in general really help kids out. Then there was one collecting suitcases for kids going into foster care. Ouch. Feeding hungry children who don't have anything to eat on the weekends, i.e. school lunches keep them alive (BTDT). Just all of these things slamming me in the face, or heart more so at once. Obviously these are things we are all aware of, perhaps not everyone is aware of all of them and there are certainly far worse things out there still. I get so passionate about some things that I really do just get overwhelmed. How can I help? I've spent the last month trying to figure out some creative way to do some fundraisers for childhood cancer research, and you now know why if you didn't before (read above in bold if you could possibly have missed it). ;)
Now I'm even MORE compelled as we just got word of more bad news for Em. Cancer is back and she's headed in for surgery #3 on Wednesday. I am five THOUSAND miles away and this is literally the 3rd time since I've been so far away. What the HELL can I do? A thoughtful phone call or card in the mail hardly ever seem even remotely adequate. It will come to me, I hope...I'd just like for it to come to me sooner than later. Big. Something...big. I'm sure it's there, it's at the tip of my consciousness it just won't pop on out.
Ya know, the point is. I read these things. Some of them take me back. Some of them remind me to be thankful. Some of them just make me sad. Regardless, they ALL push my guilt forward again. My guilt. I am by NO means a rich person, at ALL. Hello....we're military. That said, we are nowhere near poor. Anyone that says so has never been poor and that's as far as that argument will go. Seriously, don't get me started.
Why do I always feel like I can't give back though? I so admire these people that can uproot themselves and just go wherever the world needs help. Kids? Hell they go too! I mean, I so admire that. I think of all the things that they likely subject their kids to, and while it's got to be hard to see that reaction on your child's face, does it take away their innocence or does it give them this endless depth of empathy? I don't want my kids bitching about a new Nintendo, I want them to donate their toys on their own accord. I want them to step back and be so thankful they have a roof, food, clothes...I get so easily caught between that person and the "have stuff" person. I can't stand the "have stuff" person to be honest, but...I LIKE having stuff. It's not in a "oh look at me everyone, i have STUFF!" way. It's just b/c *I* like having some stuff. I never did, now I can. However, my fault, my fault that I can't stand, that goes hand in hand with "have stuff" person is...now i have stuff, i want more. the stuff i have is nice but i like this one even better.
if i were but a stronger person, and my family would agree to it. I'd sell it all off and buy a teepee and some sheep and a backpack or something. okay and a laptop and Internet access and camera to record all this lunacy. but i mean... see? i can't. even when i really want to.
I'm already in some preFreakin 32, damn you. I see that 30 doesn't get you, it takes it's time then sneaks up out of nowhere. Piss off 32. Really... now what do I find at 32? I find wrinkles. Lots of them. Wrinkles that are not the cute kind, but the, "holy hell I kind of look like a grown up with those things" kind. MORE gray hair. Drooping, oh dear the drooping. Seriously my boobs must've gotten really depressed or tired one day because I swear they fell about 4" in one day. That was the last straw. I had decided against a lift b/c of the scarring, really what good would it do? Victoria's Secret can do the same for me and I'd be just as horrified at my drooping as I would the scars I think. Now...maybe this might need something more intense after all.
All of that at once, and then realizing all the things I seem to have to give up now? What the hell? I am going to have to spend each spare moment doing cardio, eating cardboard and applying cream to this and that? YUCK. So to give up anything and everything else? Hello, apparently I DO age and grow older along with getting fat, cuz ya know that used to never happen either. ;) In other words, apparently I am not invincible. Shit.
That said, I complain about this or I complain about that. I want to buy this, no maybe not perhaps this instead. If you only knew how much I obsess over stuff but making sure I find the best deal on the best thing...oh it's sick. I concern myself with some of the most idiotic things. If I could tell that part of my head to shut up, surely I'd have enough mental capacity to focus on others.
I wish...I wish, I could figure out how to filter it so only the important stuff remained. I have absolutely nothing on earth to complain about. As my husband snores on the sofa next to me, my happy healthy rambunctious children sleep soundly in their beds our bellies full, our heads dry, our bodies warm...what is my problem? What is anyone's problem? What if we all spent as much time helping others as we did complaining about what we don't have, what we want, what we 'need'?? What if? Doesn't it make us feel so fulfilled as humans to do good for others? Does it not fill the gap? Could we all vow to do at least one deed? One big deed, one thing we were really involved in all year? A day a month to volunteer somewhere? A weekend to do something? A night a week? All things we don't need/want rather than selling them, donating them to either raise money for charity or to donate to those who really DO need it?
What if.........
That said, I'm compelled to write right NOW. As I'm reading things online. I'm overcome with sadness and gratefulness all at once. What am I reading you might ask? Well, it's actually a list of charities wanting money from Pepsi. See, I (shockingly) won an iTouch from pepsi a couple months ago and they told me about their charitable donations this year. It's pretty cool actually but a bunch of charities, already in place or to be formed from this, are in the running for a boat load of money from Pepsi. Um, more to the point, Pepsi did not take out any ads at all for Superbowl Sunday this year and instead have used that money for charities chosen by none other than...the people. :) So, even though I think Pepsi tastes like crap and the only thing I do like about it is the smell always makes me think of my Granny, it's a pretty damn cool thing and maybe other companies should get on the train too.
Anyway, I'm obviously immediately taken by the childhood cancer charities (HEY IT'S CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IF YOU DID NOT KNOW!!!!), there are also many others that touch me. Firstly the equine therapy ones snag me right off the bat. I wish people could REALLY grasp what horses can do for sooooo many things, What they did for me on many occasions in many ways. Animals in general really help kids out. Then there was one collecting suitcases for kids going into foster care. Ouch. Feeding hungry children who don't have anything to eat on the weekends, i.e. school lunches keep them alive (BTDT). Just all of these things slamming me in the face, or heart more so at once. Obviously these are things we are all aware of, perhaps not everyone is aware of all of them and there are certainly far worse things out there still. I get so passionate about some things that I really do just get overwhelmed. How can I help? I've spent the last month trying to figure out some creative way to do some fundraisers for childhood cancer research, and you now know why if you didn't before (read above in bold if you could possibly have missed it). ;)
Now I'm even MORE compelled as we just got word of more bad news for Em. Cancer is back and she's headed in for surgery #3 on Wednesday. I am five THOUSAND miles away and this is literally the 3rd time since I've been so far away. What the HELL can I do? A thoughtful phone call or card in the mail hardly ever seem even remotely adequate. It will come to me, I hope...I'd just like for it to come to me sooner than later. Big. Something...big. I'm sure it's there, it's at the tip of my consciousness it just won't pop on out.
Ya know, the point is. I read these things. Some of them take me back. Some of them remind me to be thankful. Some of them just make me sad. Regardless, they ALL push my guilt forward again. My guilt. I am by NO means a rich person, at ALL. Hello....we're military. That said, we are nowhere near poor. Anyone that says so has never been poor and that's as far as that argument will go. Seriously, don't get me started.
Why do I always feel like I can't give back though? I so admire these people that can uproot themselves and just go wherever the world needs help. Kids? Hell they go too! I mean, I so admire that. I think of all the things that they likely subject their kids to, and while it's got to be hard to see that reaction on your child's face, does it take away their innocence or does it give them this endless depth of empathy? I don't want my kids bitching about a new Nintendo, I want them to donate their toys on their own accord. I want them to step back and be so thankful they have a roof, food, clothes...I get so easily caught between that person and the "have stuff" person. I can't stand the "have stuff" person to be honest, but...I LIKE having stuff. It's not in a "oh look at me everyone, i have STUFF!" way. It's just b/c *I* like having some stuff. I never did, now I can. However, my fault, my fault that I can't stand, that goes hand in hand with "have stuff" person is...now i have stuff, i want more. the stuff i have is nice but i like this one even better.
if i were but a stronger person, and my family would agree to it. I'd sell it all off and buy a teepee and some sheep and a backpack or something. okay and a laptop and Internet access and camera to record all this lunacy. but i mean... see? i can't. even when i really want to.
I'm already in some preFreakin 32, damn you. I see that 30 doesn't get you, it takes it's time then sneaks up out of nowhere. Piss off 32. Really... now what do I find at 32? I find wrinkles. Lots of them. Wrinkles that are not the cute kind, but the, "holy hell I kind of look like a grown up with those things" kind. MORE gray hair. Drooping, oh dear the drooping. Seriously my boobs must've gotten really depressed or tired one day because I swear they fell about 4" in one day. That was the last straw. I had decided against a lift b/c of the scarring, really what good would it do? Victoria's Secret can do the same for me and I'd be just as horrified at my drooping as I would the scars I think. Now...maybe this might need something more intense after all.
All of that at once, and then realizing all the things I seem to have to give up now? What the hell? I am going to have to spend each spare moment doing cardio, eating cardboard and applying cream to this and that? YUCK. So to give up anything and everything else? Hello, apparently I DO age and grow older along with getting fat, cuz ya know that used to never happen either. ;) In other words, apparently I am not invincible. Shit.
That said, I complain about this or I complain about that. I want to buy this, no maybe not perhaps this instead. If you only knew how much I obsess over stuff but making sure I find the best deal on the best thing...oh it's sick. I concern myself with some of the most idiotic things. If I could tell that part of my head to shut up, surely I'd have enough mental capacity to focus on others.
I wish...I wish, I could figure out how to filter it so only the important stuff remained. I have absolutely nothing on earth to complain about. As my husband snores on the sofa next to me, my happy healthy rambunctious children sleep soundly in their beds our bellies full, our heads dry, our bodies warm...what is my problem? What is anyone's problem? What if we all spent as much time helping others as we did complaining about what we don't have, what we want, what we 'need'?? What if? Doesn't it make us feel so fulfilled as humans to do good for others? Does it not fill the gap? Could we all vow to do at least one deed? One big deed, one thing we were really involved in all year? A day a month to volunteer somewhere? A weekend to do something? A night a week? All things we don't need/want rather than selling them, donating them to either raise money for charity or to donate to those who really DO need it?
What if.........
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Four Years of Bliss
Four years ago I fell madly in love with chubby cheeks and black hair. A warm bundle snuggled on my chest. The look of pride in my boy's face as he announced he was a big brother. The precious sweet smile he held only for this baby. Four years ago the whirlwind, otherwise known as Cody, blew into our lives and it's been nonstop ever since.
He is sparkly eyes, belly laughs, dimples, big giant cuddles with a pouty lip. He is pure energy until the second he runs out, and when he runs out...he's OUT. He is "w" instead of "r" and the most independent child I know. He's impatient, pushy, loud and determined. He is also shy to start with, a little over-sensitive and definitely a Mama's boy. He adores his big brother and will stand up for him in an instant.
He is obsessed with trains of every shape, size, sound and color. He asks every single night at bedtime if we can go to the train station the next day. Sometimes he asks a few more times through out the day. He loves the color blue, the sky is blue, therefore the sky is his.
He is wise beyond his few years and afraid of nothing but the dark and scary movies and some of the strange noises his brother makes. He is an avid lover of dogs. Any dogs at all, but preferrably big dogs. Oscar is his best friend and thankfully she is child-patient and tolerates his over-attention to her.
He wants to be an Air Force man when he grows up and "wok on eh-plane engines" just like Daddy does. He has kid sized ABU's that he wears ALL the time. His "wok clothes, because he is going to wok". :)
Sometimes he wants to be a cowboy, but usually, just an air force man. He's going to be the first man in the air force to work on the planes AND fly them. No need to do all the work and miss all the fun I suppose.
I've found that he creates deep friendships already. He's a fierce friend, who dearly loves others, but is not the least bit shy to let you know if he doesn't like you. He loves to have his picture taken, so long as he can see it immediately. I find he's quite fond of admiring himself in photos. :) He's quite the ladies man as well, but he seems completely oblivious to it, I can see him always being that way.
He is such a force and truly has no idea of his super powers yet, hopefully he won't figure it out for quite awhile yet. Once he does, there will certainly be no stopping him.
While my Mommy instincts still kick into overdrive if I ever see anyone look at him cross-eyed, I am comfortable in the knowledge that Cody will always be okay. He's been independent and alarmingly self-sufficient from much too early of an age, no matter how much we've tried to keep him from it. Just wishing for him to just be a KID, doesn't seem to flow with HIS idea of how life is. I just try to back off and let him be, he does ask for help on occasion but even then, he rarely actually wants it.
I've come to learn that even though he seems to not need us in the way most four year olds might need their parents, he does need us in his own way. He needs to know we're here, we have his back and of course, that we'll feed him and keep him well stocked on orange yogurt. ;)
He is individual and unique. Far different than any other four year old I've ever met. I have to remind myself, OFTEN, that he is ONLY four and barely at that. I often find myself trying to toss "baby" toys that are quite age appropriate even beyond Kade's age, and then remind myself that Co is only four. Sure he still doesn't play with it, but I can't help but keep it JUST in case he wants it. I don't try to hold them back, but I do fear them growing up too fast.
Aren't four year olds supposed to still love Sesame Street and blocks and toys that sing baby songs? Not know the steps move for move to Footloose, explain the entire basis of Ben 10 and built a full scale model of NASA out of blocks. Well...kids like any other would bore me to tears anyway wouldn't they? ;)
My Cody. He got me over the anger of how Kade was born. He made me realize that life, and giving life, is something far greater than ME. It is so much bigger and so much more important than any ideals I had of what life should be like. He has made me question my abilities as a mother on many occasions, but he has also reminded me what it is all about. He's pushed me to the edge and then been right there to show me exactly why I would never go over.
I used to think being a parent was about what "we" as adults wanted. If we wanted a baby to cuddle and nurture into adulthood. If we wanted to spend our days watching the same mind-numbing kid shows over and over and over and over and suffer through yet another playdate. That has nothing to do with it at all. I truly see now, that being a parent, really is about shaping the future. We are here for them, not them for US. We grew up to adults to make them, to provide for them, to mold them. I look at my children and I always feel that their destiny is written. It is simply my job to make sure they know how loved they are, keep them safe and be their rock when they need it. Whatever they have been put on this earth for, I must make sure they fulfill it no matter how big or small it may seem, it is my job. It is my purpose in life. Whatever I thought life was for previously was but a laugh.
I wonder if they know what they are here for. Did I know back then? Did I know but forget?
Whatever it is, I have no doubt, this boy will make it happen one way or another.
He is sparkly eyes, belly laughs, dimples, big giant cuddles with a pouty lip. He is pure energy until the second he runs out, and when he runs out...he's OUT. He is "w" instead of "r" and the most independent child I know. He's impatient, pushy, loud and determined. He is also shy to start with, a little over-sensitive and definitely a Mama's boy. He adores his big brother and will stand up for him in an instant.
He is obsessed with trains of every shape, size, sound and color. He asks every single night at bedtime if we can go to the train station the next day. Sometimes he asks a few more times through out the day. He loves the color blue, the sky is blue, therefore the sky is his.
He is wise beyond his few years and afraid of nothing but the dark and scary movies and some of the strange noises his brother makes. He is an avid lover of dogs. Any dogs at all, but preferrably big dogs. Oscar is his best friend and thankfully she is child-patient and tolerates his over-attention to her.
He wants to be an Air Force man when he grows up and "wok on eh-plane engines" just like Daddy does. He has kid sized ABU's that he wears ALL the time. His "wok clothes, because he is going to wok". :)
Sometimes he wants to be a cowboy, but usually, just an air force man. He's going to be the first man in the air force to work on the planes AND fly them. No need to do all the work and miss all the fun I suppose.
I've found that he creates deep friendships already. He's a fierce friend, who dearly loves others, but is not the least bit shy to let you know if he doesn't like you. He loves to have his picture taken, so long as he can see it immediately. I find he's quite fond of admiring himself in photos. :) He's quite the ladies man as well, but he seems completely oblivious to it, I can see him always being that way.
He is such a force and truly has no idea of his super powers yet, hopefully he won't figure it out for quite awhile yet. Once he does, there will certainly be no stopping him.
While my Mommy instincts still kick into overdrive if I ever see anyone look at him cross-eyed, I am comfortable in the knowledge that Cody will always be okay. He's been independent and alarmingly self-sufficient from much too early of an age, no matter how much we've tried to keep him from it. Just wishing for him to just be a KID, doesn't seem to flow with HIS idea of how life is. I just try to back off and let him be, he does ask for help on occasion but even then, he rarely actually wants it.
I've come to learn that even though he seems to not need us in the way most four year olds might need their parents, he does need us in his own way. He needs to know we're here, we have his back and of course, that we'll feed him and keep him well stocked on orange yogurt. ;)
He is individual and unique. Far different than any other four year old I've ever met. I have to remind myself, OFTEN, that he is ONLY four and barely at that. I often find myself trying to toss "baby" toys that are quite age appropriate even beyond Kade's age, and then remind myself that Co is only four. Sure he still doesn't play with it, but I can't help but keep it JUST in case he wants it. I don't try to hold them back, but I do fear them growing up too fast.
Aren't four year olds supposed to still love Sesame Street and blocks and toys that sing baby songs? Not know the steps move for move to Footloose, explain the entire basis of Ben 10 and built a full scale model of NASA out of blocks. Well...kids like any other would bore me to tears anyway wouldn't they? ;)
My Cody. He got me over the anger of how Kade was born. He made me realize that life, and giving life, is something far greater than ME. It is so much bigger and so much more important than any ideals I had of what life should be like. He has made me question my abilities as a mother on many occasions, but he has also reminded me what it is all about. He's pushed me to the edge and then been right there to show me exactly why I would never go over.
I used to think being a parent was about what "we" as adults wanted. If we wanted a baby to cuddle and nurture into adulthood. If we wanted to spend our days watching the same mind-numbing kid shows over and over and over and over and suffer through yet another playdate. That has nothing to do with it at all. I truly see now, that being a parent, really is about shaping the future. We are here for them, not them for US. We grew up to adults to make them, to provide for them, to mold them. I look at my children and I always feel that their destiny is written. It is simply my job to make sure they know how loved they are, keep them safe and be their rock when they need it. Whatever they have been put on this earth for, I must make sure they fulfill it no matter how big or small it may seem, it is my job. It is my purpose in life. Whatever I thought life was for previously was but a laugh.
I wonder if they know what they are here for. Did I know back then? Did I know but forget?
Whatever it is, I have no doubt, this boy will make it happen one way or another.
Friday, August 13, 2010
this is stupid
So they changed the way you can fancy up your blogs. It said something like, "try it!". For me, the operative word here was "try" but they meant, put it on there and then never find a logical way to EVER get it off and everything you do to try and make it go away is going to make your blog look even more stupid. hahahahahahaha sucker.".
That's what I taking from it anyway.
So ya know, I have sort of gone off and ignored my blog here. MOSTLY because the folks I was mostly posting for finally got with it and got on facebook. However, I just like to spout off meaningless shit at random times so I should probably not stop blogging. I know there's that whole loyal fan-base of readers out there in internet land probably near death now from waiting for me to post again. I just know it....
At any rate, I'm sure the useless spouting will help keep me from exploding. Little boys could really care less what I think of commercialism of holidays or price gouging or ways that government or military or whatever could make everything easier if they'd just let me show them how. I can't waste precious husband actually listening to my words time on pointless crap like that, therefore...the blog is sort of like, well...the toilet for my excess brain function. Special eh? I thought so...
Lately my days consist of...like well I don't really know they are blurring right now. Kids out of school means certain NEAR dementia for me, no matter HOW hard I try. I'm trying though. Trying to toughen up, er learn of legal ways to drug, no I mean toughen up myself and take the boys out to do some more things alone. I mean really, it's just damn crowded here and between their ages and personality types in general, it's simply been PURE LIVING HELL to ever take them anywhere alone. ONCE in a blue blue moon I'd take them somewhere and they'd make me feel like the worst Mom on earth b/c they were just angels, but...then it only took that NEXT foolish attempt of mine to realize they were just screwing with me and I WAS right in the first place! ;) However, now they are getting older and Kade is REALLY acting so much more mature and Cody is just Cody kiss up. So at least I'm not spending 150% of my time with them in public screaming and threatening, only about 48% of it and the rest of that time one of them is acting like a shit while the other one is securing their safety in making sure that everyone is looking by doing the, "but i'm being a good boy mommy! see?? see how good i'm being???" i mean it's like a PSA for wire hangers. "LOOK at her people!!!! Make sure you see this and acknowledge we are being good!!!".
This is apparently what they are talking about for that hour after bedtime when I'm about to pull my hair out for them to JUST go to sleeeeeeeeeeeep already! Yeah, giggling about farting and arguing over who is the better fastest runner etc... is only a disguise for the mastermind planning they are doing when I'm out of earshot.
At any rate, I am not about to take up drinking and don't care to pop any more pills than are necessary and certainly have no plans to start beating or belittling my kids, so we have to settle for what I can realistically handle that they can realistically handle and go from there. :) I just wish they hadn't figured out how to push those couple of buttons yet before I figured out how to manipulate it. Damn smart kids!!!
So we were trying to pop back home for a few weeks via Space A travel, but as you may notice -- especially since I'm not blogging about the 900 degree heat index -- that I am not in Texas in August, but England. It's a nice balmy 55 degrees and raining, so I'm actually all layered and covered up, cozy in my bed right now. :)
On that note, I have been trying to get back into some work again. It's been too long of a break, see what overkill burn out will do for you? Ugh! However, I've got 2 years worth of creative shots to get out of my head. A log of locations and random spots and things. If only I had a live in model who was at my beck and call so when the light was just right, I could whisk them off to help me make it happen. ;) Ah well...I've worked out a few on a quick call list, they just don't know it yet. Although I did send off just such a text y'day, but she was too far away! Ah well, try, try again. I'm not much of a quitter!
Next week I'm heavy on the school stuff, so we'll see if I am not a student again soon. ON PURPOSE! I don't know what's crawled up my butt but I really do want a REAL degree if for not other reason than to have it. That may sound stupid but...hey I won't be TOO stupid with all my college knowledge now will I? :)
Well, I am going to close now, this was a start and I shouldn't drone on and on about a start to starting again of something I started awhile ago, but sort of quit because then I'll be off on some random tangent again. Oh did I happen to mention who forgot their ADHD drugs today? Yeah...so its best I cut it short (for me obviously).
I want a snack.
Later peeps!
That's what I taking from it anyway.
So ya know, I have sort of gone off and ignored my blog here. MOSTLY because the folks I was mostly posting for finally got with it and got on facebook. However, I just like to spout off meaningless shit at random times so I should probably not stop blogging. I know there's that whole loyal fan-base of readers out there in internet land probably near death now from waiting for me to post again. I just know it....
At any rate, I'm sure the useless spouting will help keep me from exploding. Little boys could really care less what I think of commercialism of holidays or price gouging or ways that government or military or whatever could make everything easier if they'd just let me show them how. I can't waste precious husband actually listening to my words time on pointless crap like that, therefore...the blog is sort of like, well...the toilet for my excess brain function. Special eh? I thought so...
Lately my days consist of...like well I don't really know they are blurring right now. Kids out of school means certain NEAR dementia for me, no matter HOW hard I try. I'm trying though. Trying to toughen up, er learn of legal ways to drug, no I mean toughen up myself and take the boys out to do some more things alone. I mean really, it's just damn crowded here and between their ages and personality types in general, it's simply been PURE LIVING HELL to ever take them anywhere alone. ONCE in a blue blue moon I'd take them somewhere and they'd make me feel like the worst Mom on earth b/c they were just angels, but...then it only took that NEXT foolish attempt of mine to realize they were just screwing with me and I WAS right in the first place! ;) However, now they are getting older and Kade is REALLY acting so much more mature and Cody is just Cody kiss up. So at least I'm not spending 150% of my time with them in public screaming and threatening, only about 48% of it and the rest of that time one of them is acting like a shit while the other one is securing their safety in making sure that everyone is looking by doing the, "but i'm being a good boy mommy! see?? see how good i'm being???" i mean it's like a PSA for wire hangers. "LOOK at her people!!!! Make sure you see this and acknowledge we are being good!!!".
This is apparently what they are talking about for that hour after bedtime when I'm about to pull my hair out for them to JUST go to sleeeeeeeeeeeep already! Yeah, giggling about farting and arguing over who is the better fastest runner etc... is only a disguise for the mastermind planning they are doing when I'm out of earshot.
At any rate, I am not about to take up drinking and don't care to pop any more pills than are necessary and certainly have no plans to start beating or belittling my kids, so we have to settle for what I can realistically handle that they can realistically handle and go from there. :) I just wish they hadn't figured out how to push those couple of buttons yet before I figured out how to manipulate it. Damn smart kids!!!
So we were trying to pop back home for a few weeks via Space A travel, but as you may notice -- especially since I'm not blogging about the 900 degree heat index -- that I am not in Texas in August, but England. It's a nice balmy 55 degrees and raining, so I'm actually all layered and covered up, cozy in my bed right now. :)
On that note, I have been trying to get back into some work again. It's been too long of a break, see what overkill burn out will do for you? Ugh! However, I've got 2 years worth of creative shots to get out of my head. A log of locations and random spots and things. If only I had a live in model who was at my beck and call so when the light was just right, I could whisk them off to help me make it happen. ;) Ah well...I've worked out a few on a quick call list, they just don't know it yet. Although I did send off just such a text y'day, but she was too far away! Ah well, try, try again. I'm not much of a quitter!
Next week I'm heavy on the school stuff, so we'll see if I am not a student again soon. ON PURPOSE! I don't know what's crawled up my butt but I really do want a REAL degree if for not other reason than to have it. That may sound stupid but...hey I won't be TOO stupid with all my college knowledge now will I? :)
Well, I am going to close now, this was a start and I shouldn't drone on and on about a start to starting again of something I started awhile ago, but sort of quit because then I'll be off on some random tangent again. Oh did I happen to mention who forgot their ADHD drugs today? Yeah...so its best I cut it short (for me obviously).
I want a snack.
Later peeps!
Monday, July 12, 2010
vain for vanity
I know some pretty awesome people. That is no secret. I know some people that have been through hell and back and they forever inspire me and humble me. I know people that make sacrifices that astound me.
I have, unfortunately, been touched far, far too many times by people that have to fight something that in all honesty is one of the scariest damn things I can imagine. Cancer.
Yeah... that.
I've written about a couple of them, and that hardly covers them all.
I suppose that some people are too often touched by one thing in particular, cancer seems to be mine. It is that thing that hits me in the gut. Every. Single. Time.
I've had friends fight it, some won...some did not. I've had family fight it, some won...some did not. I still, this very moment, have loved ones fighting it. Cancer terrifies me. Truth be told. It affects so many, it's like a huge shadow that falls over everyone that is in any way involved with the person diagnosed. I am exactly 6 months, 2 weeks and 2 days free of smoking. Not one. Not one single solitary puff. I've not lit one, not held one and I nearly beat my husband the other day for even handing me his pack.
It has not been easy, but it is certainly not the toughest thing I've ever done. Getting this "I quit smoking" spare tire off of me, that's proving more difficult. ;o) So, if you've been curious, yes I'm still smoke free and I have not caved once. However...it's been more difficult as of late instead of when I first quit. It comes and goes, but...you basically trade one addiction for another in general. So, now I'm trying to quit the other things I wanted to quit and turn that into an addiction to fitness. 8o)
The times I've been mere inches, seconds away from caving...I would picture those who lost their battles, the ones who have beat it but still fear it every moment and the ones that are still fighting it. Can I seriously be so vain about my weight that I will risk my kids having to go through hell when they are my age now? Can I really be so vain about my WEIGHT when I have friends this very moment just trying everything you can likely NOT imagine to just stay ALIVE?!?! Am I really THAT vain? Almost apparently, but I'm working more on listening to that voice that has so often been ignored. You know, the reasonable one...
I am all about cancer research and fundraising and just support. Whatever I can do, just let me know.
So as it goes, I found out that a dear friend here was doing something seriously beautiful. We've been waiting a little while, but the day finally arrived this past weekend. I cannot imagine the emotions she had, I really can't. I'm so vain, I never try to hide that. I simply AM, that's just a part of ME and what makes me, well...ME. Am I necessarily PROUD of it? Not so much, but it is what it is and I just own it.
My darling Gilly (jilly) was touched by cancer a LOT in a very short time at work. Three of her co-workers and friends were diagnosed within a few weeks of each other. That's really hard to take. She was so taken by this news that she felt compelled to do something drastic to show her support and love. Wow did she ever!
Just yesterday many folks gathered at the awesome pub in our old village, The Waggon and Horses which happens to belong to my good friend Suz. We all gathered there to support and watch this darling gal sell off locks of her hair. When I arrived she was already all banded up and prepping herself. Several just simply donated money while others (like me hehe) bought a lock and were able to cut it off.
Gill was sponsored by many to do this and still is able to accept donations (so let me know if you want to help out here I will totally get you hooked up!). She now has donated funds AND her hair for cancer research.
Her hair went to something similar to Locks of Love, but its in the UK (obviously) and is for children's wigs, called Little Princess Trust.
Pretty cool eh? Yes...BUT we did not just cut Gill's hair and give her a new short "do"...no people, she went all the way. She was SHAVED bald! What an amazing gift, what a beautiful thing to do. What's even better? She's totally hot when she's bald too. ;o)
It was such a moving thing for her to do. It was very emotional and difficult for her on many levels, but...not one of vanity. Just the people she cares so much about, her sacrifice, her gift....
I know all too well how it is to feel completely helpless when someone you love is hurting like that and there is simply nothing you want more than to just make it go away. Unfortunately we can't do that, so we must show our love, appreciation, admiration, support and comfort by doing whatever on earth we can. I think Gill did a fabulous job of it. Something that helped out with research, something that helped out with making sure a little girl or boy has a wig to wear when all their hair is gone and something that made the rest of us just stop and think for a minute.
At any rate, Gill darling, I think what you did was top notch! (like my Brit speak there?). haha
It was a beautiful gesture. It was truly inspiring. It was something I was thankful to get to document for you. It was touching in more ways than anyone person can say. You are simply beautiful inside and out. Thank you sweetheart. Thank you....
P.S. Please, for your own sake, don't let Suz talk you into any club nights w/out taking a vote from EVERYONE first! ;o) haha
xoxoxox sweetie..you did awesome! :)
I have, unfortunately, been touched far, far too many times by people that have to fight something that in all honesty is one of the scariest damn things I can imagine. Cancer.
Yeah... that.
I've written about a couple of them, and that hardly covers them all.
I suppose that some people are too often touched by one thing in particular, cancer seems to be mine. It is that thing that hits me in the gut. Every. Single. Time.
I've had friends fight it, some won...some did not. I've had family fight it, some won...some did not. I still, this very moment, have loved ones fighting it. Cancer terrifies me. Truth be told. It affects so many, it's like a huge shadow that falls over everyone that is in any way involved with the person diagnosed. I am exactly 6 months, 2 weeks and 2 days free of smoking. Not one. Not one single solitary puff. I've not lit one, not held one and I nearly beat my husband the other day for even handing me his pack.
It has not been easy, but it is certainly not the toughest thing I've ever done. Getting this "I quit smoking" spare tire off of me, that's proving more difficult. ;o) So, if you've been curious, yes I'm still smoke free and I have not caved once. However...it's been more difficult as of late instead of when I first quit. It comes and goes, but...you basically trade one addiction for another in general. So, now I'm trying to quit the other things I wanted to quit and turn that into an addiction to fitness. 8o)
The times I've been mere inches, seconds away from caving...I would picture those who lost their battles, the ones who have beat it but still fear it every moment and the ones that are still fighting it. Can I seriously be so vain about my weight that I will risk my kids having to go through hell when they are my age now? Can I really be so vain about my WEIGHT when I have friends this very moment just trying everything you can likely NOT imagine to just stay ALIVE?!?! Am I really THAT vain? Almost apparently, but I'm working more on listening to that voice that has so often been ignored. You know, the reasonable one...
I am all about cancer research and fundraising and just support. Whatever I can do, just let me know.
So as it goes, I found out that a dear friend here was doing something seriously beautiful. We've been waiting a little while, but the day finally arrived this past weekend. I cannot imagine the emotions she had, I really can't. I'm so vain, I never try to hide that. I simply AM, that's just a part of ME and what makes me, well...ME. Am I necessarily PROUD of it? Not so much, but it is what it is and I just own it.
My darling Gilly (jilly) was touched by cancer a LOT in a very short time at work. Three of her co-workers and friends were diagnosed within a few weeks of each other. That's really hard to take. She was so taken by this news that she felt compelled to do something drastic to show her support and love. Wow did she ever!
Just yesterday many folks gathered at the awesome pub in our old village, The Waggon and Horses which happens to belong to my good friend Suz. We all gathered there to support and watch this darling gal sell off locks of her hair. When I arrived she was already all banded up and prepping herself. Several just simply donated money while others (like me hehe) bought a lock and were able to cut it off.
Gill was sponsored by many to do this and still is able to accept donations (so let me know if you want to help out here I will totally get you hooked up!). She now has donated funds AND her hair for cancer research.
Her hair went to something similar to Locks of Love, but its in the UK (obviously) and is for children's wigs, called Little Princess Trust.
Pretty cool eh? Yes...BUT we did not just cut Gill's hair and give her a new short "do"...no people, she went all the way. She was SHAVED bald! What an amazing gift, what a beautiful thing to do. What's even better? She's totally hot when she's bald too. ;o)
It was such a moving thing for her to do. It was very emotional and difficult for her on many levels, but...not one of vanity. Just the people she cares so much about, her sacrifice, her gift....
I know all too well how it is to feel completely helpless when someone you love is hurting like that and there is simply nothing you want more than to just make it go away. Unfortunately we can't do that, so we must show our love, appreciation, admiration, support and comfort by doing whatever on earth we can. I think Gill did a fabulous job of it. Something that helped out with research, something that helped out with making sure a little girl or boy has a wig to wear when all their hair is gone and something that made the rest of us just stop and think for a minute.
At any rate, Gill darling, I think what you did was top notch! (like my Brit speak there?). haha
It was a beautiful gesture. It was truly inspiring. It was something I was thankful to get to document for you. It was touching in more ways than anyone person can say. You are simply beautiful inside and out. Thank you sweetheart. Thank you....
P.S. Please, for your own sake, don't let Suz talk you into any club nights w/out taking a vote from EVERYONE first! ;o) haha
xoxoxox sweetie..you did awesome! :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
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